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Brace Yourself

31 May

My Memorial Day involved some drinking, but nothing like this email he sent last night:

“What do you know about 30 year old black women with braces? Nothing, right? Me too, until earlier today, thanks to God and America and General Patton and Granddad killing all those Japs in the 40’s, I got to understand what they’re all about. They’re all about sex. And that’s important to remember. Also it’s important to remember that if you’ve had 25 drinks, you should watch porn before a girl comes over, up to the minute she knocks on the door, otherwise your shpilkis horn won’t work properly.”

Hardest photo I've ever tried to find.

Memorializing It

29 May

He’s right about all of the below…

“Memorial Day is a day where we remember all the awesome wars by getting packages of dead animals and setting them on fire. Like an “offering” I guess you could say. So make sure to get real drunk during the day, eat tons of meat and talk shit to any Japanese, German, Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, Afghani, Iraqui, Serbian– shit I guess everyone.  Just hate everyone who’s not super white. Fuckin’ get angry up in that bitch!!!! And don’t forget about how WWII sent Granddad into a tailspin of booze, womanizing and awesomeness, and Vietnam made Uncle Gary into a pedophile, so it’s important that we pay our respects.”

Except that, for the 30th time, our Uncle Gary is not a pedophile. 

God Bless America.

Tasteful

26 Mar

He’s got a point here I guess:

“I’m getting tired of these fucking Miller Lite commercials decrying men for not caring what their beer tastes like. First off, Miller Light tastes like my dog’s dick (I slipped in a puddle and fell on it, no homo) so they have no grounds to brag. Secondly, the only beer I want at a bar is THE COLDEST ONE YOU’VE GOT. Don’t give me a face, don’t say anything dumb like “they’re all cold.” No they’re not. Half of them are Luke Skywalker warm and the other half are nearly frozen Dreamsicles that will eliminate half my problems in a single swig.  Thirdly, last time I checked, all alcohol tastes terrible. If alcohol tasted good there’d be no such thing as mixers, and we’d have lost World War II. I’m not here to have a delicious drink, I’m here to chase my troubles and some tail. Now hand over the coldest bronson and walk your sweet ass out of here.”

He has always been a proponent of the “coldest beer” theory, one of the only things on earth he and my Dad agree on.

The beer on the right looks weird. What brand is that?

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