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How To Have Sex With Your Co-Workers

13 Jun

Important information for summer internships:

“The best way to nail coworkers is to go out to a bar with them and hit on other random chicks at the bar in front of them. You probably won’t get laid that night, but you’ll have just established a wild, disorganized game of Russian Penis Roulette with them all. Heck you might even find yourself banging Linda from Building Maintenance three years later in an abandoned stretch limo if you’re not careful!”

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.

 

How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

When We Change

10 Dec

It can be tough. And expensive…

“Just found out I got all my suits tailored for the wrong person. The person I USED TO BE. That shit was so deep I had to leave work early and get stoned so I could think about it.” 

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!

 

Mas

15 Nov

That shit is Spanish! But this post isn’t…

“I think probably the best thing anyone ever said to me is when this guy I worked with said, “My wife got mad at me cuz she caught me jerking off to Internet porn. I just told her– IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, FUCK ME MORE!” It was great because we were just waiting for a meeting to start, shooting the shit. He wasn’t like a standup comedian or anything. He meant it. He fucking told her that. And God knows what happened next, because our white boss came in!”

Haha there’s a cologne called “White Boss!”

 

Explaining High Level Infidelity

14 Nov

is easy…

“I think this General Petraeus thing really illustrates an important maxim– There’s nothing more invigorating than doing something illicit and high profile, and then just sitting back and fucking daring people to tell on you. Try it sometime!” 

Broadwell? I’ll say!

Forgotten Advice

13 Nov

Being an alcoholic and sometimes drug addict/functional member of society is hard enough for him. So sometimes he forgets shit…

“Dude I’m so bummed because I totally forgot to tell you something 6 years ago. When you were 14, you should’ve started hanging around a local restaurant/sports bar/hangout where lots of young people go. Make sure you mostly hang there by yourself, and that you become what’s known as “a regular.” Read the paper or Highlights Magazine and drink a coffee or Mountain Dew every day, it’ll only cost you a buck. Just become a staple of the place. Then when you turn 15, apply to be a dishwasher. Work your way up to being a busboy, then a server, then by the time you’re 17 you’ll be assistant manager. Immediately start abusing your power to bang the 15 year old busgirls and 16 year old waitresses. Sorry I forgot to tell you that. You missed out on a lot of tail.”

Never got the chance to bang her.

  

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