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If You’re Ever Attacked By A Swordsman…

2 Dec

just follow this simple recipe to vanquish him after watching the video he sent:

“Dude, you need to cheer up. Like that gay alien from REM said, “Everybody hurts.” And everyone gets arrested, even white people sometimes. Hoping that this video makes you feel better:

These men can teach us a couple of important lessons. One, if you’re ever holding a giant sword in an infomercial, take a look back at the sword every two seconds like it’s a damn snake about to bite you. Secondly, if someone ever comes up to you brandishing a sword and wanting to fight/kill you, just try to contain your laughter and quickly kick their ass. Swords are super-heavy and hard to swing, so you’ll have time to jump at the dude and smash his nerd face up real good before he can even scream “Stop, I’m a virgin!” Thirdly, if you ever need to stack a bunch of bamboo blinds and then chop them up because you’re embroiled in a domestic dispute and you want to make an INTENSELY WEIRD and dramatic statement/physical metaphor in front of your wife/neighbors/kids and pets, the Two Handed Great Sword is your new best friend!”

So there you have it. This did make me laugh, especially after another 10PM lecture from our Dad about how I’m a shitty son. Fuck him.

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He’s Using The Recipe Book

2 Oct

Or at least he claims. I doubt he actually used this but the fact that he took it from the trash is enough for me. He sent yesterday at like 7, sorry I was having fun and forgot to post:

“Pretty sure a gang of Wizards left the cookbook for me to find, because it’s fuckin magical bro. Made this tasty-ass Sticky Chicken earlier (substituted cocaine for Splenda), had three orgasms AND came up with a new invention (calculator socks) after I ate it. Thanks Wizard Jerelyn Roth!!!!!!!!”

OMG

Please just read the recipe. I beg you. It might be the sickest thing ever. 

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