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Daydreamin’

18 Apr

It gets worse and worse with age…

“I have this recurring daydream where I’m walking down the street stoned and whistling and someone mugs me. But when they get home, they feel terrible about it and, after realizing that I had no cash and all my credit cards are maxed out, decide to pay down all my balances and throw the wallet in a mailbox. When I was your age I’d daydream about falling into the trash compactor from Star Wars, except instead of it being filled with trash, it was filled with smoking hot Latina girls covered in baby oil. What a slippery time we’d have! Point being, NOTHING gets better with age. Not even wine. You should drink wine the second you see it, not when some guy who can’t even hit a line drive in a batting cage tells you to. And never get old. I swear you’ll thank me in Heaven.” 

There were supposed to be bitches in here!

And here’s another picture because I couldn’t decide which one to use:

I typed "Latina Girls Baby Oil" into Google Images.

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What’s Mine Is Yours

5 Nov

I told him that someone stole my favorite shirt and ruined it and he told me basically to shut the fuck up…

“If you’re partying hard enough, you’re just gonna lose stuff. Fact. So buck up and accept it early on. I lost a wine opener the other night when I loaned it to a Chinese hooker so she could get her pussy open. Am I gonna see that shit again? Nope. Was it worth it? I don’t know, check back with me after the test results. And quit crying about bullshit. In a fraternity house, all property is communal. T-shirts, bongs, women… They all belong to the greater good. Deal with it.”

Did she have a lock on it? I’m confused.  

Fancy Man

23 Jun

This may be good for a date or something as we head into the weekend…

Hey dude. I’ve been drinking a lot of wine lately and have figured out basically the difference between all the types. Wanted to give you a quick rundown:

REDS

Merlot– Tastes like old rusty grapes, stains everything you spill it on, makes you think stuff is funnier than it actually is.

Cabernet Sauvignon– Tastes like sweet old rusty grapes, stains shit, makes you forget about your problems.

Pinot Noir– Takes like a bunch of raspberries that got crushed up by an old dirty silver mallet. Makes you late to work.

Syrah–Tastes like a carpenter’s screw dipped in blueberry farts. Makes you angry.

WHITES

Chardonnay– Tastes like the time I ate a Chrysanthemum with a flat Sprite. Makes you think about ex-girlfriends.

Sauvignon Blanc– Tastes like a glass of water that someone left an old piece of apple in. Makes you send weird emails to people you haven’t talked to in awhile.

Pinot Grigio– Tastes like a drinking fountain that a bum peed on a couple weeks ago. Makes you feel like an elegant snake.  

Hope that helps!”

Yes, it does help. A lot. Going to try that “elegant snake” one this weekend if I can get my hands on some. 

No one looks cool while smelling wine.

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