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How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

Explaining High Level Infidelity

14 Nov

is easy…

“I think this General Petraeus thing really illustrates an important maxim– There’s nothing more invigorating than doing something illicit and high profile, and then just sitting back and fucking daring people to tell on you. Try it sometime!” 

Broadwell? I’ll say!

Happy Veteran’s Day!

12 Nov

He’s celebrating in style…

“Hug a veteran today. They fought hard for our country so I could take the day off, come over to some rich Jewish girl’s condo that her daddy bought her, make her cook me brats and give me handjobs while I look at the ocean and think about stabbing guys in a trench. GOD BLESS AMERICA!”

One for each hand.

Feel The Breeze

9 Jul

But only after doing something terrible and/or sad:

“It’s good to give yourself a moment where a nice breeze feels welcome, feels worth it– like a reward. So do something that warrants rolling the windows down and sticking your arm out the window every now and then. I recommend going to jail for a night, spending a week in a hospital, or serving a term in Afghanistan.”

An excellent policy. But will anyone listen?

Calling Reinforcements

28 Aug

After 36 hours of no contact whatsoever, this text:

“Need you to call the National Guard. It’s the only hope of stopping me at this point. Tell them to bring the tank.”

"He's up the street next to that pile of dead hookers."

He’s A Grower

19 Aug

And he’s so excited about it…

“This beard fucking rules. When I used to have a mustache, it would tell me to do CRAZY shit like smash people’s doors down and not wear condoms. But this beard is so much more mature. It tells me stuff like “Hey go knock on that door and THEN smash it down,” and “Hey go ask that hot blonde girl if she wants to have SAFE SEX with you.” I’m starting to think that if Hitler had just stopped being such a pussy and grown a full beard, a lot of trouble could have been avoided in the 40’s. Plus having a beard reminds women that I’m an animal, whereas having a mustache tells them that I’m either a hipster or a pedophile, and both should be illegal. I even found this great website full of tips and tricks and anecdotes:

http://beardcoach.com/

There’s a whole community of people like me. And that feels good. Seacrest out.”

That’s our first “Seacrest out” in a long time. Good to see it back in action. Not sure about his Hitler theory though. 

Like Tom Hanks in Castaway, he is a lonely, troubled man on an island.

If You Believe

15 Aug

A guide to getting stabbed…

“Always encourage conspiracy theorists. They are some of the most interesting people in America because they’re the only group who regularly questions accepted norms, and with vigor! They’d be modern philosophers, but instead most of them just own multiple cats, heavy blankets and tape recorders THAT THEY USE REGULARLY. 9/11 was orchestrated by the American government? No doubt! Egg them on. Especially in public. Then you can be all like “Remember the time the weird guy stabbed me? That shit was crazy but I’ve dealt with it emotionally, except on nights when it still makes me cry.” Make sense? Good.”

Testing that out tonight.  

Have a minute?

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