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Memorializing It

29 May

He’s right about all of the below…

“Memorial Day is a day where we remember all the awesome wars by getting packages of dead animals and setting them on fire. Like an “offering” I guess you could say. So make sure to get real drunk during the day, eat tons of meat and talk shit to any Japanese, German, Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, Afghani, Iraqui, Serbian– shit I guess everyone.  Just hate everyone who’s not super white. Fuckin’ get angry up in that bitch!!!! And don’t forget about how WWII sent Granddad into a tailspin of booze, womanizing and awesomeness, and Vietnam made Uncle Gary into a pedophile, so it’s important that we pay our respects.”

Except that, for the 30th time, our Uncle Gary is not a pedophile. 

God Bless America.


Work Is A Battlefield

9 Feb

Another one of his work stories that I wish to God was true:

“I’m really sick of people using hyperbole. If you don’t know what that means, look it up, asshole. We’re slammed today, and this guy in the office next to me has been saying it’s “just like Vietnam” all fucking day. Finally, I’d had enough– Uncle Gary didn’t go insane in the Ban Hieng River delta so that some fuckface in a beat up pair of Ferragamo penny loafers could throw “Vietnam” around so casually. So I borrowed a bike from a local courier, dressed up like a a Vietnamese schoolgirl, and just as I rode passed his door giggling, I lit a bunch of Black Cat fireworks and threw them in there. CRACK-CRACK-CRACK-CRACK-CRACK! He ran out like a little bitch, just in time for me to take the wig off and yell “Now that’s like Vietnam, pussy!” Everyone applauded, and lessons were learned.”

I mean… at this point I think he’d have been fired like a hundred times.

Look out! It's a trick!


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