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Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!



He Hates The Game

31 Aug

Just like players have been telling us all to do for years. Don’t hate them…

“Hey if you’re excited about the new Madden Football video game coming out, give me a call over the weekend and I’ll tell you what it feels like to be inside a woman.” 

Please to remember his excellent Madden Curse theory:

No Calvin don’t catch that– it’s a grenade!

Give It A Shot!

24 Apr

His advice on PCP:

“Remember how in Mario Bros if you picked up a star you were invincible for like 60 seconds? Well that’s what PCP is like. Now I’m not saying you should try it, but Mario sure looked like he was having fun running through those brick walls, didn’t he?”


Getting A Talking To

6 Dec

When you’re as ridiculous as he is, the speeches come from everywhere…

“My dickhead drug dealer just gave me a whole speech about how he thinks I “need to chill” because I kept asking him for greens and reds and whites (even though I was just getting in the Holiday spirit drug-wise) and says he won’t sell to me for awhile. What a haughty (look it up) piece of shit. He kept going on and on about all the weird times of night I call him, about the time I waited outside his building pretending to walk a dog that I didn’t even own, and bitching endlessly about the time I broke into his apartment wearing a Freddy Kruger mask and tried to convince him he was having a nightmare and to give me all his drugs. Waahhh Waahhh Wahhh gimme a break! ANyway I canceled my therapy session tonight because who needs one after a guy named Sneaky Bart tells you what all your problems are while smoking a hookah and playing Donkey Kong Country? AM I RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!” 

Haughty means “arrogantly superior and disdainful” FYI. Who wants a drug dealer like that?

Doesn't look like the little guy is going to make it.


The Original Internet Porn

1 Sep

was apparently video games…

I don’t know why people get so weirded out by the violence and sex on TV and the Internet nowadays. Everyone wants to act like shit was perfect in their day, but when I was a kid I used to play video games where you raped Indian women (Custer’s Revenge) and another one where an old witch would give you tequila and then you’d jerk off (Philly Flasher). I’m not bullshitting you. Look them up. Pretty sure I jerked it to Leisure Suit Larry as a teenager also. And people are worried about JWoww and Snooki. Gimme a break. Those B’s can both get it.”

Back to Jersey Shore defending he goes. He wasn’t joking about these games. They’re crazy. Get high right away. Here’s Custer’s Revenge:

Here’s the Philly Flasher:

And here’s Lesiure Suit Larry:

He Got In Another Fight

17 Aug

As a reminder he is almost 30 years old and this comes a night after he was drinking and playing with guns…

“Well, I got in another fight. Did I want to get in another fight? I don’t know. Sort of? Let’s skip over the boring details of who started what or who was wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, and cut right to what I’ve realized is my new go-to pre-fight press conference material. As we drifted out onto the sidewalk, a small crowd building and moving in tandem to us, the proud man shouted “I’m gonna fuck you up, pussy!” to me. I thought about how insulting and unoriginal that was, and began speaking from some beautiful core of my being, explaining to him what was ACTUALLY going to occur. “Oh my,” I said, allowing the crowd to politely and excitedly form a circle around us and ready their Flip Cameras®. “You have made an egregious error. You see sir, though I may appear ONLY handsome and NOT buff or powerful, I possess the anger of 1,000 bears, a 72” wingspan and a combined street fighting recording of 33-5 with 9 KO’s and three lawsuits. In short, why bark… when you have rabies?” The power of the speech was such that a man started playing the violin nearby and a Pastor showed up in preparation to read the Ed Hardy Shirt Guy his last rites. But he persisted, charging me like an illiterate bull, leaving the most gloriously perfect 4 sq. foot triangle of space for my rangy left-handed uppercut to slide through and penetrate his neander-jaw. I stepped out of the way to allow him to fall like a sack of shit to the ground behind me as an Asian DJ played funny video game sounds on his iPad and then shouted “KO!” Someone put a jacket over my shoulders. But I hadn’t brought a jacket. No mind, I walked home and took a bath. I believe that’s checkmate, America.”

Glad that everyone loved his work. And that he didn’t get arrested. Bright side.  

Was it this guy? Hope so!

“Last Man”

8 Aug

Sounds like he had a lot of fun…

“Well, it finally happened. I’m down to my last man in the video game of life. I used up two more this weekend, one in a bathroom stall at a nightclub (heart attack from sex) and another this morning when I woke up inside a pizza box and had a stroke. How did I fit inside a pizza box you ask? Not sure, but it hurts. Anyway, I had a good run. Just hope I don’t die someway stupid like from old age or marriage.”

Who would want to live a long life and get old and die? So boring.

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