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Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

From my brother to the world:

“Happy Valentine’s Day you piece of shit! JK JK! You’re not a POS you’re a wonderful little fella with a heart of gold not unlike a hooker’s, and a strange inability to get laid despite sharing my DNA. Let me assist you– today is the greatest day of the year to be a single man because all women are going EVEN MORE BONKERS than normal today. Seeing as you’ve managed to escape the terror-trap of having a girlfriend thus far, you’ll be able to prey on the legions of single women drowning their sorrows in pizza, cupcakes they bought themselves, and hopefully liquor at your nearest Watering (or tonight, Crying) Hole. So my friend, walk around that beautiful campus of yours and put those tuition dollars to work, picking all the fresh flowers you can hold in your arms, and then hand them out to every forlorn looking girl you see during the day. Say nothing other than “Happy Valentine’s Day,” and maybe call them some funny name like Mallory or Priscilla as if you know them, give a wink, and leave. Later this evening, capture your bounty by whistling a jaunty tune around the dorms, student housing lairs and bars. The women will notice, saying “Hey there’s that fella that made my day earlier! He’s under the impression my name’s Mallory, but heck– he could call me Dogbone and I’d still suck him off in the restroom over yonder!” (That’s how women talk, right?) Anyway, capitalize on their sadness and your generosity by FUCKING THEM SILLY later on. And make sure to vanish from their lives quick as you came, never to be seen again. Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd you’re welcome.”

I’ll give it a shot!

Actual photo of my brother picking flowers.

Helpful Reminder

9 Feb

From the most romantic man on the planet:

Don’t forget that Valentine’s Day is on Monday. Single girls are going to be EXTRA sad this weekend and therefore desperate. They’ll be especially vulnerable to vacant promises of future love, so lean on statements like “I’m not like all these other guys” and “What are you doing Monday night?” at really loud parties this weekend. Try saying something like “Flowers and candy? I don’t see why that has to be limited to one day of the year” and then roll your eyes and shrug your shoulders. Then have sex with them and never talk to them again. Toodles!”

I would put this in the 25% category of things he recommends that I will actually attempt.

Take with alcohol.

 

Warning!

3 Jan

A worried addendum to his previous email:

“I was thinking about the Valentine’s Day advice I gave you and wanted to make sure that you understand NO MATTER HOW MANY BLOWJOBS THE GIRLS YOU’RE TRICKING GIVE YOU, THAT SHIT DOES NOT CONTINUE! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT date them thinking it will. Attached is a chart to further elucidate my point. Cheers!”

These figures are agreed upon at the Annual Woman's Convention

Advantage Me

3 Jan

College break is kind of ridiculous. I’m home for another ten days still haha. When I’m back, this could be helpful:

“A lot of life is about taking advantage of people when they’re down. It’s how white people keep chugging along so successfully and how Wall Streeters never seem to be too injured by recessions. Similarly, you can take advantage of the suffering of others when you return to school and find the scrambling, borderline-psychotic emotions of girls realizing that Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Their need to feel comforted and loved by a man will be so strong (likewise their fear of waiting too long) that they’ll ALL be looking for boyfriends right away. Take advantage by staring straight into their wounded souls and telling them about a recent long term relationship and your plans to major in Business. To ice the cake, tell them your favorite position is missionary and that you love watching terrible movies and being bored as fuck. Trust me, you’ll be scheduling beginning-of-relationship-blowjobs around your classes in no time! Break up with them all prior to February 7th to give them time to rebound with the fat rich kid down the hall. Have some heart!”

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