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He’s A Genius

13 Mar

I think we all know that he believes this by now…

“Dude. I’m a genius. You can thank me later, but hear me now– You need to start telling every girl you hook up with that you’re an identical twin, and that your twin brother (let’s call him Marvin) goes to your school too. That way when you see whatever dumb girl you hooked up with on campus, you can act all confused and aloof and be like, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m Marvin. You must have fucked my twin brother. I’ll tell him you said hello.” Then maybe make a fart noise and wink for effect (Marvin is weird!!!!). Make sense? YEP!!!!!! And you’re welcome.” 

He’s done it again. Solved all my problems at once. 


Gearing Up For Year Two

27 Jul

I’m already sick of being home. This email made me feel a little better:

“Now that you’re heading into your sophomore year, and hopefully off probation so you can get back to partying your dick into the atmosphere, you’re going to need to step your game up. Guess what bro? Senior chicks will have sex with you now. Remember last year, how they looked at you like you were a bird having a seizure? Well now they’ll totally F you. You might even finding yourself banging twin sister seniors (by the transitive property of not being able to tell them apart) or being invited to parties where you’re one of the only sophomores in sight.

 So if you’re around a bunch of hot 22 year old chicks, remember this: They might be acting cocky, but deep down, they’re nervous. It’s just occurred to them that they’re going to have to pretend to work for the next like, three years or something, and that all of the dudes who used to fuck them, the now senior bros, are totally uninterested in them. “It’s like I’m invisible or something Becky!” they might say to Becky. So they’re feeling insecure, and looking to show up some dudes don’t even care about them anymore, and there you are, just sitting on the couch. So stand up, take a big step toward them so that you completely invade their territory, and say “Hey. You a senior? Cool.” Boom! You’ve empowered her. Now sweep her into your dumb little arms and give her the unnecessary-revenge-fuck she’s craving!”

I actually heard about this from a couple upperclassmen in the spring. Sounds promising. 

Now which one of you did I have sex with again?

Double Trouble

11 Jan

I got this text before I saw the last email and it made no sense:

“Dude speaking of twins- have you ever seen old twins? No– right? They all must die when they’re in their 20’s or something.”

Now I guess it makes a little bit of sense.

Caught 'em!

Take It There

11 Jan

Marching orders:

“Just made a megamix of “Take it to the Limit” by The Eagles and “Push it to the Limit” by Rick Ross and it was so good that I passed out.  After I woke up and changed my pants, I realized that you’ve really got to take it to the razor’s edge this semester. Maybe even while reading The Razor’s Edge by Somerset Maugham. Take a road trip. Get in a fight. Fuck a set of hot twins. I’ll teach you how to tell them apart before… because after you fuck one it doesn’t matter– Am I right?!?!

[high fives everyone in the world]

Anyway, give it some thought. Taking it to the (pushing it to the) limit, that is.”

There’s almost too much in that email for me to understand. But I think it means I’m supposed to get really wasted this semester. Nice.

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