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Big Girls Don’t Cry

12 Apr

They give you pedicures…

“I’ve got this girl I hang out with sometimes, let’s call her Two Ton Terri (she’s not actually two tons, don’t be an asshole), and she comes over and grooms me every now and then like I’m a baby monkey. She gets rid of my hangnails, uses a pumice stone on my big toe callouses, and sometimes when we’re feeling real crazy, we eat breakfast for dinner (her idea!). You should get a girl like this too. People forget about fat girls and their feelings and skills and then fellas like us come in and take ’em to the Hunger Games in exchange for a massage, two vicodins and my missing third season of The Wire– God only knows how she got her cute chubby hands on that one. Every now and then just tell her she’s beautiful, punch one of her boobs into the other, yell “Just kidding!” and then run out of the room. Come back in wearing nothing but a sombrero, and when she’s done laughing, extend your feet and pretend you’re a rich white girl and she’s a snarky old Korean lady, which maybe she will be! It’s all quite simple when you think about it, life.”

Photo courtesy of AARP. No seriously. It is.


Love Letters

26 Apr

With last night’s “cameras” email and now this scanned letter he sent to like ten people, I fear he’s off the deep end like never before…

“Gay people– Wanted to get your thoughts on this letter before I give it to the new girl at my office. Too much? Too little? Any feedback would be appreciated.” 

Pretty sure our grandpa never said that.

That Special Someone

29 Mar

His favorite was Pauly D according to all accounts and his occassional voicemails to me where he just yells “Cabs are here!” really loud. But here he pays his respects to two other cast members of his second favorite show of all time:

“By my count, Ronnie and Sam on Jersey Shore broke up and got back together 714 times last season. That’s true love, mofo. Find it.”

You know you've got something special when if people type your names and the word FIGHTING into Google, like 100 different photos show up.


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