Which I am currently ineligible to do, but working on that…
“Unless you sign up late and everything else is taken, I’d recommend going somewhere they don’t speak English. Studying abroad in a European country will allow you to visit all of the contiguous (look it up, fuck!) countries therein. So basically you can sign on for Spain but then spend a week doing ecstasy meatballs in Italy, a week in France being rude to everyone, and another week in whatever other countries are in Europe (Korea?). Every one of my friends who did this had an amazing time, and overall their reports of fun were much more consistent than people in other countries like South America where everyone got kidnapped and, of course, raped. Plus, European women love Americans because we shower and refuse to wear shiny fabrics. Asia, on the other hand, is a disgusting mess. Sure the sex parlors are incredible (and cheap!) but people spit everywhere and have no sense of physical boundaries or space, meaning you’ll constantly have weird little people wearing brown bumping into you on the sidewalks. Plus, you’ll have all the time in the world to learn about China when they’re running our country in ten years!”
I thought this was a fucking MC Escher painting at first. Dudes are organized!
“Two new inventions. Okay, neither of them are inventions, but they’re both fucking groundbreaking ideas. One– I should have a TV show where I give people advice on how to save money (steal stuff) and overcome obstacles (immediately scream and press the # button 400 times on customer service calls to reach an operator). Two– We should take all the American kids with lisps and send them to Barcelona. You’ve never been, but Barcelona people all do their S’s and C’s like American kids with lisps (“Barthelona” ughhhhh), so we can take all those kids who we all hate because they’re different, and ship them off to a place where everyone’s as gay as they are. And of course I mean gay in the colloquial sense, as in “something I hate.” Please get started on these “inventions” immediately. Thanks in advance.”
Sometimes you just type “Barcelona Girls” into Google Images and have a fun 30 minutes,
Pre-class post… Trying to attend some this year. This is something he’s been doing for years, including the time he spanked our neighbor’s son in our front yard when he was 25 and the kid was like 10. It was frightening, like this probably was…
“On the plane back I met up with, not surprisingly, some trouble. It wasn’t of my usual “can’t get hard in the lavatory because of the turbulence” trouble, but instead of a completely non-sexual nature, and involving a child to boot. This little whippersnapper in the seat behind me kept smacking her cute little tootsies on the ground– literally for the first three hours of the flight– and despite my requests for her to stop, she did not. Here I was, minding my own business in Business Class, reading GQ and trying to figure out if Mark Sanchez is gay (He loves showtunes?) while this little shit is just smacking the day away in her Payless shoes. With her fat ugly father passed out and no recourse to be found, I finally rolled up the magazine and smacked her foot as hard as I could with Mark’s smiling, ambiguous face. Of course she immediately started crying, waking her father, at which point she explained to him in Spanish what I’d done, and he burst to his feet to confront me. “Tengo huevos?” I asked him. “Hay heuvos,” I declared, never letting my eyes leave his. “Sientate,” I said, pointing to his seat. And sientate he did my friend. Sientate he fucking did. Pretty sure Sanchez is gay.biz, bt-dubs.”
Glad to hear that no one was hurt… except for that girl’s foot.
I don't think I need to read the GQ article. I've made up my mind.
This sounds like a great idea:
“About to fly home. Trip was a mild success. Alleviated myself of some of my proverbial rocks, was reminded that I can never marry a white woman because they’re fucking TERRIBLE in bed comparatively, etc. Anyfarts, just had this great idea– you and some buddies should go see that new movie Contagion and wear surgical masks and cough really loudly the entire time, ruining the movie for everyone in hilarious fashion. Great way to spend an evening. Obviously get really drunk and high first, hope that went without saying. Have fun!”
Trying to get a group together for tonight. Heard that movie is boring so maybe this will make it more fun.
He actually went…
“Just landed in Costa Rica. Pretty sure I left my dignity down here 7 or 8 years ago. And I’m pretty sure I know just where. Guess what else? Not gonna say one word of Spanish the whole time I’m here. Boom!”
I think we all know what he claims to have done the last time he was there. People should be worried.