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On Studying Abroad

21 Aug

Which I am currently ineligible to do, but working on that…

“Unless you sign up late and everything else is taken, I’d recommend going somewhere they don’t speak English. Studying abroad in a European country will allow you to visit all of the contiguous (look it up, fuck!) countries therein. So basically you can sign on for Spain but then spend a week doing ecstasy meatballs in Italy, a week in France being rude to everyone, and another week in whatever other countries are in Europe (Korea?). Every one of my friends who did this had an amazing time, and overall their reports of fun were much more consistent than people in other countries like South America where everyone got kidnapped and, of course, raped. Plus, European women love Americans because we shower and refuse to wear shiny fabrics. Asia, on the other hand, is a disgusting mess. Sure the sex parlors are incredible (and cheap!) but people spit everywhere and have no sense of physical boundaries or space, meaning you’ll constantly have weird little people wearing brown bumping into you on the sidewalks. Plus, you’ll have all the time in the world to learn about China when they’re running our country in ten years!” 

I thought this was a fucking MC Escher painting at first. Dudes are organized!


One Of Our Great Thinkers

7 May

he is…

“Two new inventions. Okay, neither of them are inventions, but they’re both fucking groundbreaking ideas. One– I should have a TV show where I give people advice on how to save money (steal stuff) and overcome obstacles (immediately scream and press the # button 400 times on customer service calls to reach an operator). Two– We should take all the American kids with lisps and send them to Barcelona. You’ve never been, but Barcelona people all do their S’s and C’s like American kids with lisps (“Barthelona” ughhhhh), so we can take all those kids who we all hate because they’re different, and ship them off to a place where everyone’s as gay as they are. And of course I mean gay in the colloquial sense, as in “something I hate.” Please get started on these “inventions” immediately. Thanks in advance.”

Sometimes you just type “Barcelona Girls” into Google Images and have a fun 30 minutes,

On Disciplining Other People’s Kids

13 Sep

Pre-class post… Trying to attend some this year. This is something he’s been doing for years, including the time he spanked our neighbor’s son in our front yard when he was 25 and the kid was like 10. It was frightening, like this probably was…

“On the plane back I met up with, not surprisingly, some trouble. It wasn’t of my usual “can’t get hard in the lavatory because of the turbulence” trouble, but instead of a completely non-sexual nature, and involving a child to boot. This little whippersnapper in the seat behind me kept smacking her cute little tootsies on the ground– literally for the first three hours of the flight– and despite my requests for her to stop, she did not. Here I was, minding my own business in Business Class, reading GQ and trying to figure out if Mark Sanchez is gay (He loves showtunes?) while this little shit is just smacking the day away in her Payless shoes. With her fat ugly father passed out and no recourse to be found, I finally rolled up the magazine and smacked her foot as hard as I could with Mark’s smiling, ambiguous face. Of course she immediately started crying, waking her father, at which point she explained to him in Spanish what I’d done, and he burst to his feet to confront me. “Tengo huevos?” I asked him. “Hay heuvos,” I declared, never letting my eyes leave his. “Sientate,” I said, pointing to his seat. And sientate he did my friend. Sientate he fucking did. Pretty sure Sanchez is, bt-dubs.”

Glad to hear that no one was hurt… except for that girl’s foot.

I don't think I need to read the GQ article. I've made up my mind.


Fun At The Movies

12 Sep

This sounds like a great idea:

“About to fly home. Trip was a mild success. Alleviated myself of some of my proverbial rocks, was reminded that I can never marry a white woman because they’re fucking TERRIBLE in bed comparatively, etc. Anyfarts, just had this great idea– you and some buddies should go see that new movie Contagion and wear surgical masks and cough really loudly the entire time, ruining the movie for everyone in hilarious fashion. Great way to spend an evening. Obviously get really drunk and high first, hope that went without saying. Have fun!”

Trying to get a group together for tonight. Heard that movie is boring so maybe this will make it more fun.  

Bless you!

Stealing And Replacing

12 Sep

He sent this last night my time whatever time it was for him… Good tips for anyone about to go to a hotel:

“Smashed this mini bar up pretty good today. Banging into that Bacardi Gold bottle later, don’t worry. And here’s the trick- all this shit is at like a 250% markup, but it’s correctly priced at the little mini-market down the street, where early tomorrow morning (with the NO MOLESTER sign on the door – side note, who wants to be molested am I right????) I will be purchasing two cokes, some mini bottles of booze, an orange juice, a Snickers (I got sad and ate the Snickers after the hooker),  and a couple beers. Please note that this only works in shitty American hotels and foreign hotels where they don’t have everything on a damn sensor like it’s the year 3000 and we’re all robots. So instead of my “incidentals” being something like $95 when I checkout tomorrow, it will be $0 and I’ll have paid like $30 at the shit-store down the dirt road. Boom, America wins again you fucking terrorists!”

Thanks? Here’s the photo: 

I have a feeling he's going to need that Gatorade and those waters too.

Drawing It Out

11 Sep

He sent this picture of his hotel stationary and wrote the following:

“Here’s what I did last night with a local “Tica” as they call them. The last one is me crying alone if you can’t make it out. Anything happening in America today??? I kid, I kid. U-S-A! U-S-A! We got you Bin Laden you fuck!!!!”

The second to last one looks to be the payment. And what the fuck is that sentence at the bottom?


Look Out Costa Rica

10 Sep

He actually went…

“Just landed in Costa Rica. Pretty sure I left my dignity down here 7 or 8 years ago. And I’m pretty sure I know just where. Guess what else? Not gonna say one word of Spanish the whole time I’m here. Boom!”

I think we all know what he claims to have done the last time he was there. People should be worried. 

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