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On Studying Abroad

21 Aug

Which I am currently ineligible to do, but working on that…

“Unless you sign up late and everything else is taken, I’d recommend going somewhere they don’t speak English. Studying abroad in a European country will allow you to visit all of the contiguous (look it up, fuck!) countries therein. So basically you can sign on for Spain but then spend a week doing ecstasy meatballs in Italy, a week in France being rude to everyone, and another week in whatever other countries are in Europe (Korea?). Every one of my friends who did this had an amazing time, and overall their reports of fun were much more consistent than people in other countries like South America where everyone got kidnapped and, of course, raped. Plus, European women love Americans because we shower and refuse to wear shiny fabrics. Asia, on the other hand, is a disgusting mess. Sure the sex parlors are incredible (and cheap!) but people spit everywhere and have no sense of physical boundaries or space, meaning you’ll constantly have weird little people wearing brown bumping into you on the sidewalks. Plus, you’ll have all the time in the world to learn about China when they’re running our country in ten years!” 

I thought this was a fucking MC Escher painting at first. Dudes are organized!


Cumulative Effects

14 May

They happen in so many ways over time… and yet another reminder to kill myself:

“The reason getting old sucks is because everyone you hang out with, even your best friends, have too much shit on their minds. You can be with the two coolest people in the World, but if they’re over 27, they’re both gonna have a bunch of real shit to think about and be slightly more boring because of it. Mortgages, bad investments, worse relationships, old chubby pregnant chicks, whether all the concussions we got from fighting are fucking up our memory capacity, and mortgages. When you hang out with your boys right now, the only thing on your mind is what the pussy you’ll be eating later tastes like. Mango? Regret? Bagel Bites? Who knows, and who cares, because those aren’t real problems. I spent most of Saturday night trying to figure out if declaring bankruptcy got me out of my student loans over ten gin and tonics and eleven lines of coke. The answer is no. To all of it. One more reason why you need to eat mescaline and fall out of your frat house window next year. After you go abroad, of course. Nothing better than going out on top.”

I typed “Bagel Bites Funny” and here we are. Truly that.

Just Sometimes

8 Sep

Not all the time…

“Sometimes you’ve gotta book yourself a whirlwind weekend trip to Costa Rica, quickly bang 11 hookers and return to work Monday as if nothing happened. I’m not saying I’m doing to do that this weekend, but I am.” 

Hope he has fun!

Nothing To Look Forward To

8 Jul

in life. At all. Ever…

“So here’s the highlight of my week– This milquetoast (look it up, great word) dude in my office is telling us all a story at lunch about his recent trip to Costa Rica with his ugly wife who hits on me at the Christmas Party every year, and right in the middle of it, he puked. Like everywhere. All over his plate, all over Sandra from Accounting’s stupid overfilled plate– everywhere. And that was the best thing that happened to me all week. A dude puked at lunch. Are you catching what I’m throwing here? Life after college is fucking miserable. You have NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. So please, stop thinking about your “future” and start thinking about the now. And PS, his Costa Rica story sucked. It was all zip-lining and surf lessons. My Costa Rica stories, on the other hand, are all cocaine and alligators and hiding from the cops and weeping in a swamp while covering a dead hooker’s body in mud. Please God forgive me!!!!!”

If anyone in Costa Rica ever wanted to conduct an investigation into some unsolved murders in the 2000-2002 area of time, this would be a good blog to read. 

Sounds Like Fun

23 Feb

Another exciting glimpse into the future:

“I have to go to St. Louis for work. You know what they say about St. Louis: “What happens in St. Louis… can be spoken about with freedom by the person who experienced such things, should the natural course of a future conversation require it.” Seriously dude, this is life after college. I’m genuinely looking forward to paying $30 for a weak handjob from a Missouri meth addict in a cracked leather booth at a bar called Shirley’s.”

The extreme amount of detail there makes me wonder if he’s actually done that before.

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