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He Made A Chart

22 Jun

To prove his point, I guess. Here you go!

“I hate to quote Charlie Sheen, but before all the bullshit he said this to a judge when he got caught with some hookers.” 

I love how they're called "Life Hours" as opposed to "Hours."

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Know What You’re Getting Into

22 Jun

Is he changing his “get all the pussy you can, forever” tune? You be the judge:

“I had this girl over to my apartment last night, and in between some sexytime stuff I was lost in thought about how much of my time she was wasting, which in lieu of receiving money for her services (because that would he HORRIBLE, right?), is what she wanted. It’s what all women want– your time and attention.

If I had just jerked it, I’d have saved myself something like 4 hours. And now, since as soon I came I decided that I hate this girl and never want to see her again, I’m going to have to fend her off into oblivion over the next two months via a series of bi-weekly text exchanges, costing me roughly 15-30 minutes each time. All told, for this one blowjob (it was okay, like 6 out of 10), I’ll have wasted anywhere from 10-12 hours of my life! Now multiply that by the number of  BJ’s I receive per year (172) and the subsequent run-and-hide technique I employ, and we’re talking about roughly 1,892 life hours wasted! Good God man that’s nearly 79 days! Think of all the things I could’ve done in that amount of time– the inventions, the theories, the fantasy football analysis!

The point I’m making here is that even though women are pretty and they smell good (even their sweat smells good for God’s sake), they are time-wasting machines of evil. Think about that the next time you text Butterface Brenda over to your room for 3.5 hours of watching Modern Family and talking about coffee flavors and .5 hours of weiner touching. Maybe just grab the Lubriderm, fire up a few windows of Safari for 20 minutes and then invent something awesome instead, like silent packing tape®.”

He likes to calculate things of this nature… Rather than working I think. And he’s been telling me to invent silent packing tape for years but I think someone already did.

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