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“The Good Thing About Women”

3 May

Perhaps his most frightening email to date…

“Had to fire my therapist last just now. She kept disagreeing with me about some pretty big issues like drugs, alcohol, and crying– so I had to pull the plug. Scheduled an emergency date to replace her for the night. Same cost, less disagreement. The good thing about women is they kinda just have to sit there and listen to me talk. I mean, what are they gonna do– run away? I locked all the doors! A man would just jump through my plate glass deck door and risk the two story fall from the balcony to escape. Omar survived it in The Wire, they’d think. Of course I’d just run downstairs and through the marble floored lobby and out the front door, figuring they’d at least sprained an ankle and I’d catch ’em before they reached some sort of local hero with a cell phone. But a woman just sits there uncomfortably and tries to quick-think of things she supposedly has to do tomorrow like wash her hair or think about coffee flavors so I’ll “let her” leave. Hahahahahaha “let her.” Oh man. Nice try lady.”

Because I don’t know what to say, I’ll just post this funny picture:

Omar would kill my brother with EASE.

 

Getting A Talking To

6 Dec

When you’re as ridiculous as he is, the speeches come from everywhere…

“My dickhead drug dealer just gave me a whole speech about how he thinks I “need to chill” because I kept asking him for greens and reds and whites (even though I was just getting in the Holiday spirit drug-wise) and says he won’t sell to me for awhile. What a haughty (look it up) piece of shit. He kept going on and on about all the weird times of night I call him, about the time I waited outside his building pretending to walk a dog that I didn’t even own, and bitching endlessly about the time I broke into his apartment wearing a Freddy Kruger mask and tried to convince him he was having a nightmare and to give me all his drugs. Waahhh Waahhh Wahhh gimme a break! ANyway I canceled my therapy session tonight because who needs one after a guy named Sneaky Bart tells you what all your problems are while smoking a hookah and playing Donkey Kong Country? AM I RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!” 

Haughty means “arrogantly superior and disdainful” FYI. Who wants a drug dealer like that?

Doesn't look like the little guy is going to make it.

 

Feeling Bad…

1 Nov

for a woman I’ve never met:

“Hope my therapist is ready to get yelled at tonight because I’m piss drunk!!!!!!!!” 

The fact that she still agrees to see him explains the power of money in full to me.

It’s Not Working

4 Oct

if he’s talking about his therapy, which I think he is…

“Just spent an hour explaining all my insecurities to an old Jewish woman. Time to driiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnk!”

Therapy Time! (A Drawing)

12 Jul

Thank God for this. I’ve been wondering about the exact breakdown…

“Attached is a chart representing how I spend my time in therapy. Tonight the numbers may be skewed a bit as she’s been selfishly out of town, but I’ll keep you posted.”

"By Idiot Jones" is a nice touch.

She’s Not On Call

5 Jul

and he’s pissed about it…

“This is ridiculous. My therapist is on vacation and is not accepting my calls. I’m sorry, but since my brain doesn’t go on vacation, she can’t be either. I’m coming down from a year’s worth of uppers taken in one weekend and thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made while chain-smoking Parliaments and sending ill-advised emails to ex-girlfriends and Facebook messaging my old High School English Teacher Ms. Krutz. If this bitch doesn’t answer my calls soon I’m reporting her.”

Reporting her to where exactly?

Perceptive

14 Jun

He’s on schedule with a Tuesday evening therapy email…

“My therapist just said to me “I think you’ve been doing all this drinking and all these drugs as a way to hide from your true feelings.” Wow. No shit lady? You’re a fucking genius. I’m paying you how much an hour for that wisdom? How’s that grocery list coming? I see you writing it. These and other thoughts raced through my head as I smashed everything in her office.” 

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