If anyone’s looking for some “fool-proof” Super Bowl bets, here you go…
“Betting on the Super Bowl is as American as apple pie and passive aggressively treating minorities like shit at charity events. Two years ago a buddy and I won $2,000 betting the OVER on Jennifer Hudson’s National Anthem. You see, it was her first public appearance since the shocking murder of her brother, and seeing that she would be very emotional, we knew she’d belt out a long-ass anthem. She did, and me and Evan laughed/cried all the way to the bank/drug dealer! Here are some other sure-things for the coming Bowl:
THE COIN TOSS: Tails never fails (except when it does)
MVP THANKS: The MVP of the game always thanks God first. I can’t believe this is even a bet you’re allowed to make. Either bet on God or not at all, knowwhatImean?
GATORADE SHOWER: I got a hot tip from the mentally retarded water boy on the Steelers that he’s pouring Lemon-Lime all fucking night. He also listed every brand of lawnmower in existence and asked me what was for dinner. So if you think the Steelers are going to win, bet Yellow.
WILL I GET TOO DRUNK AND HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS DURING THE GAME?: Yes. Like clockwork.
Hope these help you bro. I know money can be tight in college. But so is the pussy, am I right?!?!?!?!”