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The Good Old Days

17 Jun

Surprise! He misses them:

I yearn for the days when you could just casually lie in conversation without some fucktard Googling your lie and calling you out on it. Just babbled on about some historical event like The Battle of Las Cruces to prove that I wasn’t racist and Jim from HR tried to tell me there was no such thing, and then he proved it with his “smart phone,” which was not nearly as smart two minutes later when it “fell” into a “cup of coffee” at my “desk” while he was in the “bathroom.” Simple as that. Fuck the Internet.”

Don't fuck the Internet.

Don’t fuck the Internet.


Thinking About It

14 Jan

Sometimes you have to…

“Laptop broke because I spilled baby oil all over it. Don’t worry, I wasn’t alone. My landlady was there too. AnywayZ, being deprived of the Internet at home has reminded me of how fun it was to beat it to thoughts. Tiring, but fun. The worst thing is when you’re about to burst because you’re in a large-scale showering facility with every girl you ever hooked up with and suddenly your 3rd grade teacher Mr. Fartsworth comes in and starts singing Huey Lewis and the News really loud like no one’s even in there. Um, hello???!?!?!?! We’re busy here.”

"Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl's showah."

“Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl’s showah.”


15 Nov

That shit is Spanish! But this post isn’t…

“I think probably the best thing anyone ever said to me is when this guy I worked with said, “My wife got mad at me cuz she caught me jerking off to Internet porn. I just told her– IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, FUCK ME MORE!” It was great because we were just waiting for a meeting to start, shooting the shit. He wasn’t like a standup comedian or anything. He meant it. He fucking told her that. And God knows what happened next, because our white boss came in!”

Haha there’s a cologne called “White Boss!”


“Tonight I Ate Some Mushrooms”

3 Oct

And what follows makes perfect sense…

“Tonight I ate some mushrooms, watched the Presidential Debate and then went to a concert. What a night. Here are some things I realized:

1. One day I want to be one of those people they mention when they’re like, “I met a school teacher in Reno the other day, and she was dead. But I spoke to her via a medium and a Ouija Board. And she said we need more teachers.” I want to be that dead woman.

2. I want to make a blog called “When Hipsters Cry” that is simply pictures of hipsters crying. They’re all a bunch of bitches anyway so I bet we can do it. Did you know that people who are ACTUALLY COOL don’t want to live in Brooklyn anymore because they have dipshits on trust funds with rolled up jeans and projective personality disorders looking at them with scowls as they walk down the street? True story. My friend is a super cool Norwegian music video director, and he’s moving out because he’s tired of kids rolling their eyes at him while he makes cool shit happen and they have their parents beeping through on the other line trying to loan them money… AGAIN.

3. I’m going to start lifting weights again, get up to 205, grow my hair out JUST PRECISELY to the length where it requires berets (sp?) and then start wearing them in my hair, taking time to pin back my locks with my beautiful weightroom muscles while I block someone’s view at a clown college graduation or whatever it is I’m watching.

4. Did you know that if you’re on mushrooms at a concert and you go in the bathroom, the sound of people peeing and pooping will actually perfectly mimic the beat of whatever song  is playing> Try it! 

That’s all.”

Oh that’s all? Thank God. 

Genius. Pure genius.

New Pickup Line

19 Sep

I’m sure it will work!

“Here’s a dope new pickup line for you– “Hey girl. Wanna hang out later and review my Internet history?” And, you’re welcome.”

You Can Use His Computer

12 Sep

except for the following…

“Anyone’s allowed to use my computer, so long as they don’t want to look at any websites that start with P, X, T, O, C, or W. All the other letters are at your disposal.”

F for forearms!

“Sometimes You Don’t Need Instagram”

21 Aug

Let him tell it…

“Sometimes bro, you don’t need Instagram. You just need to be in the right awesome place, at the right awesome time. After this band finished playing I had sex with all of their guitars. It was the only RESPECTFUL thing to do. So the next time some hippy sends you a picture of a normal-ass tree that they cropped six times and then put a sepia filter on and then made into a cup of fair trade coffee in the shape of Chairman Mao, tell them you’re all good, you take pictures of bands rocking people’s dicks off all on your own.”

I don’t know how you tell someone that on Instagram, but I’ll try. This is the “awesome place” photo he’s referring to:

Just looks blurry to me.


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