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Something To Study

5 Sep

Nothing should be studied, that’s the thesis:

“A new study indicates that repeated blows to the head were partly to blame for a number of former NFL players suffering from brain trauma later in life. No shit? Glad we did a study on that, because I’ve always wondered, “Hey if I bang my head a thousand times, will that be bad?” I’ve had so many concussions I can’t remember what I’m even emailing you about, but I sure do love pineapple. In the 80’s they told us not to eat eggs, then in the nineties it was “The Incredible, Edible Egg,” and then they were like, “Oh fuck only eat the white part not the yellow!” and then ten years later some asshole figured out that, “Nope, the yellows are good too,” quickly followed up by a different asshole who said the yellows are “Worse than a dog giving you AIDS.” I just did a study: Hey my dick’s hard! Study concluded, thanks to $30M from Uncle Sam, who it turns out is a kinda girl-next-door looking hot bitch named Samantha.”

“Uh… Don’t uh… Don’t rape me Bo.”

Also, here’s the “Incredible Edible Egg” commercial he’s referring to:

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That Smell

21 Jun

One of the grosser subject lines in memory. Sorry…

“Baby puked in front of me on my flight this morning. Almost had a Stand By Me pukefest as everyone freaked out, but did I? Fuck no. I used it as an opportunity to repeatedly and openly fart on a plane, a treat more rare than Albino Indian Women, which are VERY FUCKING RARE! The lady next to me would sneak stares and make stupid little passive aggressive noises after each squealing toot, and each time I’d just look at her and smile. “It’s a free for all,” I informed her. And that, my friend, is called making the best of a bad situation.” 

Here’s the famous “Stand By Me pukefest”:

Text Exchange About Shit

30 Jan

that just occured:

HIM: “Last poop could be best described as “Southwestern.””

ME: Corn?

HIM: “No it was more of a color thing. Lots of dusty browns. Some dark purples. Are you familiar with Georgia O’Keeffe’s work?”

ME: Dark purples? Are you dying?

HIM: “No it’s just my passive-aggressive liver trying to send me signals like a bad girlfriend. Just shut down already if you’re so mad, pussy!”

ME: Good luck with that.

HIM: “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Remember that.”

 Another important life lesson from a dying man. 

Colorful and frightening.

Get Hurt

8 Dec

Another solid idea…

“The best way to get to know your body is to torture it. You’ll find out all sorts of things that regular people don’t know, like the fact that scabs on the inside crease of your elbow take 9 years to heal, or that you can go 30 days without drinking water and not die, or that a bad case of Tiger Nuts never really goes away, it just stops glowing orange after a year. Things like that. Bet you Dr. Oz’s dumb ass doesn’t know that shit.” 

"Tiger Nuts? I'm not familiar with that."

Showing Appreciation

7 Nov

Sometimes he talks about life like he’s a 60 year old war veteran…

“I’m worried that you don’t have enough of an appreciation for women’s legs. You know– gams, stumps, pegs, crotch stands, pussy bookshelves? Kids your age focus too much on Internet stuff and have forgotten all about the simpler, finer things in life. A good pair of stems can make your day, and now that skirt and shorts season is pretty much officially over, I’m missing seeing a nice pair of getaway sticks. You tell a girl she’s got nice legs and watch her go all aflutter sometime this week. Trust.”

I was going to put up a picture of nice legs, but then I found this, and the caption was already amazing: "It was noted that the wine had 'nice legs,' and Wilfred went crazy."

Drugs, Apple, Death and Potato Chips

24 Jul

In some order. I’m not sure. He sent this much earlier but I’ve been packing and sometimes drinking. Here are his thoughts on Amy Winehouse:

“Life is weird. I found out about Amy Winehouse dying in the Apple Store when the guy doing the tutorial was showing how cool Safari was or something and “Amy Winehouse Found Dead” was the headline story on their CNN homepage. Fucking liberals. I thought about joining the 27 Club and even had a meeting with Jesus about it high as fuck on mushrooms and he was all like “Look dude, you’re totally qualified, but you’re not done. Have you even fucked an Australian girl yet?” And I was all like “Good point Jesus!” and I floated back down to the living room where my friend was watching Requiem for a Dream so I punched him in his fucking face. Whatever– Amy was fucking dope (no pun, don’t be a dick) and her death is another reminder of the danger of drugs. Are drugs awesome? Hell yeah they’re awesome! They let you forget your fears and problems and focus on… um… I dunno… a chair maybe or a movie or some dumb conversation about how life really works for real guys for real I mean it I think we’re onto something? Anyway, drugs can be good, but only in moderation, like anything wonderful in life. I’d have died of a Munchos overdose in the 90’s if it was possible (I call them “the glasses years”) but alas, it was not. But you CAN die from yakkety-yak, that brown horse, and the all of the cream snowballs, purple footballs, and blue dream jet planes delivered to you by people who have no last names and who’s parents stopped talking to them years ago.  So be careful out there and don’t be strange to talkers. I mean talk to strangers.”

There’s almost too much to process there. I’m going home in an hour. Good luck out there everyone. 

RIP Amy

How We Begin

11 Jun

Why/How/Where does he think of stuff like this?

“One of the first things that happens in life is an old Jewish man comes up to you and cuts part of your penis off. That’s pretty fucking crazy when you think about it.”

 Yeah, when you put it like that, it is pretty crazy.

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