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Don’t Ask

3 Jul

Do tell…See what I did there?

“A wise old man once told me that “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask permission.” And a drunk old homeless man once told me, “Keep your hands in your pockets and breathe slow.” Both are great advice.” 

Genius.

 

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He’s An Asshole

23 Mar

He sent me the below two pics as a part of his “favorite LA game” so do yourself a favor and see if you can guess correctly. Don’t scroll down right away…

“Wanna play my favorite LA game? It’s called “Hot Hipster Chick OR Old Dead Woman????” Let’s see what you got. So which is it????”

Then he sent this picture:

"Hot Hipster Chick OR Old Dead Woman?"

 

 

I guessed “Hot Hipster Chick” judging by the tight pants and crossed arms which I figured was due to her bad attitude. Here’s the answer…

WRONG

When he sent me this he also wrote:

“She was walking around yelling “Bitch! Bitch!” Good luck getting to sleep tonight idiot!”

Never Never Land

6 Mar

Weird last couple of days, but my loss is your gain… Here’s everything he sent me over the last two days:

SUNDAY:

“We finally started having sex last night and it was great and all, but then this morning I accidentally said my own name during it and she got pissed. It’s not like I said some other chick’s name– what the fuck is the problem? I was saying the name of the person I’m most in love with. Whatabitch#”

Love his use of the hashtag there. Very hip. Later in the evening he sent this:

“So she left in a huff before she was supposed to take me to the airport. Just told me to lock the bottom lock on my way out. If by “lock the bottom lock” she meant leave an upper-decker in the water tank of her toilet, we’re all set!”

And then from the plane:

“FEMALE PILOT. Is Southwest joking? Am I on Punk’d? Where’s Bieber? See you in Hell!”

Then on MONDAY he forwarded me a text from the girl in Austin:

“Thx for leaving my place a mess, thx for breaking my coffee maker, and thx for being a complete asshole the entire time you were here. Talk to you never.”

Then he wrote me:

“Didn’t realize I broke her coffee maker. I would send her $11 to replace it, but I’m under strict orders to “talk to her never.” What the fuck does that even mean? Just don’t text me if you don’t want to talk. Think I might start calling her a bunch.”

AND NOW TODAY:

“Got to work super early, raided the company liquor cabinet, drove back home and came in at my normal time (9:42AM) and no one was the wiser. Just like I always say– “If a crackhead dies in a dark alley and no one’s there to see it, is he really dead?” I think not.”

So there you have it folks. Back to my struggling grades!

Time Management

29 Jan

We were both in the same boat on this one:

“Rough weekend. Hangover tricked me and didn’t kick in until 4PM Sunday. I was riding high, talking shit, acting awesome and then BAM! Major headache, pooped my pants at the mall, cried into a yogurt cone, etc. Anyway it reminded me of the Hangover Inefficiency Quotient, which is the rate at which you’re able to accomplish tasks when hungover. For instance, once my hangover kicked in for real, it took me 72 minutes to walk down the street for a Gatordade. Why? Because I fell into the bushes a record 17 TIMES!!!! Even a homeless guy along the way asked me if I needed help. I was all like “Get off my nuts Bro!” and he started crying. JK! I don’t talk to homeless people. Have fun this week.”

I’m sad there’s no chart to accompany this. I’m also sad because I somehow overdrew my bank account this weekend. $35 charge? That sucks. 

Man those some sad ass bushes!

Dealing With The Homeless

18 Jan

for the 45th time, his thoughts on the above…

“If you’re wearing a sweatshirt and approaching a homeless person, always roll your sleeves up. It’s so much harder to punch a homeless guy in the face if your dumb sleeves get in the way.”

"Homeless Guy With Black Eye" + Google Images + 5 Seconds = This

Never Wake Up

11 Dec

It’s not just his advice to me…

“Hey homeless guy drinking coffee– what are you doing? Go back to sleep dude!”

Finals all week. I will be drinking a lot of coffee and trying to post when I can. 

He's Googling "What to do with a dead dog"

Marking Your Territory

3 Nov

He sent this gem late last night his time:

“If you’re ever alone on a street (like I just was and sadly, often am) and a shady character ambles toward you, the best thing you can do is wait til he’s about 30 feet away, work up a good loogy in your mouth, and spit it out about three to five feet in front of you, but also in his direction. This is a physical demarcation of your space, and it signals to him that you want him to remain outside that boundary area. The animal in us would prefer to begin urinating to mark this area more clearly, but society frowns upon such behavior. In my case it turned out to just be a drunk hipster, so I loaned him a Smiths CD and then kicked him in the back of his knee. But had it been a dangerous transient, my space would have been noted and respected.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He’s a drunk philosopher. 

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