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On Inventors, Time Machines and Chicks

7 Oct

This is how he spends his Fridays sometimes:

“I was just thinking that if you could hang out with some old timey famous people like Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson nowadays, it would actually probably be really annoying because they’d never stop bragging about how all their awesome inventions are still so important to us nowadays. They’d never shut up about it I bet. Probably go something like this:

ME: So what do you guys want to do today?

BEN FRANKLIN: Not sure, but I bet it will involve electricity, like everything else on Earth does!

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Perhaps we could eat some macaroni while sitting in swivel chairs!

(then both guys laugh hysterically for a minute)

BEN FRANKLIN: I don’t know, Thomas, could you write up a proposal which I’ll review wearing these BI-FOCALS?!?!?!

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Sure, I’ll make you both a copy on my DUPLICATING MACHINE!!!!!

(they both laugh hysterically again)

ME: Okay guys, I get it. You invented tons of shit. Can you stop bragging about it?

BEN FRANKLIN: You shouldn’t have gotten us stoned. I get arrogant when I’m stoned.

ME: How would I know that? We just met when you arrived in this fucking time machine.

BEN FRANKLIN: Powered by electricity!


BEN FRANKLIN: Now, good sir. How about we find us some of that- what was it you called the lady parts again?

ME: Pussy.

BEN FRANKLIN: Yes- “Pussy!” What a hilarious name for it. We used to call it “Satan’s Pocket Purse.”

ME: Yeah, there’s a bar up the street. And yes, Thomas, we can count our steps using a fucking Pedometer, okay? 

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Thank you, good sir. Just one more thing- do you think there will be any women of ebony complexion at this “bar” you speak of?

(Then we all laugh hysterically because everyone knows that TJ loves black chicks)”

High as fuck, thinking about macaroni and black chicks.



Memorializing It

29 May

He’s right about all of the below…

“Memorial Day is a day where we remember all the awesome wars by getting packages of dead animals and setting them on fire. Like an “offering” I guess you could say. So make sure to get real drunk during the day, eat tons of meat and talk shit to any Japanese, German, Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, Afghani, Iraqui, Serbian– shit I guess everyone.  Just hate everyone who’s not super white. Fuckin’ get angry up in that bitch!!!! And don’t forget about how WWII sent Granddad into a tailspin of booze, womanizing and awesomeness, and Vietnam made Uncle Gary into a pedophile, so it’s important that we pay our respects.”

Except that, for the 30th time, our Uncle Gary is not a pedophile. 

God Bless America.

Sign Here

10 Feb

This seems like an argument I could make when I take my second required History course next year:

“John Hancock is only memorable because he’s an asshole. You ever notice how no one says “Just put your Francis Lightfoot Lee here and this Kia Sephia is all yours” or “Once I get your William Whipple on this contract, the divorce is settled”??? That’s because those guys were polite pussies who signed small and out of the way. Hancock fucking signed DEAD CENTER, almost wrote on the final line of the Declaration, and underlined his name… TWICE! No one remembers the nice guys. Don’t fucking forget that.”

This is also eerily similar to the message of his Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde email from last week.

A bunch of pussies


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