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Being Thankful

25 Nov

So far we’ve had not nearly as many fireworks as I hoped for. My Dad and brother are barely talking to each other no matter how much my brother tries to egg him into a fight. The closest we got was last night when my Mom made us all say what we were thankful for and my brother said “All the girls with self-esteem issues in the world” and my Dad made some angry noise. Then my brother said “and the ones with daddy issues because they’re dads were pieces of shit.” My mom and I thought it was pretty funny but my dad did not at all. Later in the dinner my brother commented that the wine we were drinking tasted “like pussy juice” but I don’t think anyone heard him but me. 

Regarding tonight, he has promised me that “we will definitely get arrested.” So there’s that to look forward to. 

Later that night, everyone got their ass kicked.


He’s A Dreamer

19 Nov

Who only has weird dreams…

“I know I told you to never tell your dreams to people, but I had a really weird one last night. I was at an animal hospital, and when I walked up to the desk, the cashier was my high school girlfriend, a hot black chick (because I’ve ALWAYS BEEN awesome). She looked at me and said “You here to pick up your Dad?” and I was like “I don’t know,” because I was super confused! Then she gestured to the corner, where Dad was in a cage wearing a suit reading a newspaper, and she handed me a piece of beef jerky. “This won’t satisfy him,” I said to her, not knowing why. “It’s all we’ve got,” she replied. And then we both started laughing hysterically. And then I woke up. FUCKING DEEP BRO!!!!!!! 

PS Can’t wait to kick Dad’s ass in 5 days.”

If you, like me, are excited to see/hear about another brother/Dad fight, we might have one cooking.

The internet is weird.

He’s A Philosopher

6 Sep

A modern, drunk philosopher. And maybe a sociopath too…

“I’ve figured out what I am as a person. I’m one half Nihilist, because I STRAIGHT UP DON’T GIVE A FUCK. And the other half is Utilitarianism, where I take the three things I do care about (being awesome, banging chicks, and family (- Dad)) and make decisions regarding them based on a system of Happiness Points, i.e. Wearing a Cowboy Hat While Banging a Chick = 72 pts., whereas Visiting Mom and Dad = 9 pts (all Mom), and whatever has the most points wins out, which is why I didn’t come home for Thanksgiving two years ago (banged a girl in Kentucky instead). This is why I’m the greatest.”

He said he was overwhelmed with work that Thanksgiving. Good to know the truth.  

"We believe in nothing, Lebowski."

The Slow Burn

25 Nov

Well, no fight… yet. But he did give me perhaps the most interesting/scary/terrible/sad advice yet at dinner tonight, when the relatively tame conversation got a little contentious over talk of his ex-girlfriend who “everyone really liked” according to my Dad. After that announcement my brother stood up, pointed at my Dad, looked at me and said:

“Whatever you do, don’t end up like this old fuck.”

At which point he stormed out of the dining room, went upstairs and promptly came back down wearing a coat. He told us that he was going to the only place people respected him anymore. I’m not sure where that is, but it was four hours ago and I haven’t heard from him or seen him since. We’ll see what tomorrow night brings.

Here We Go…

25 Nov

During the halftime show of the Lions-Pats game my brother looked at my Dad and said “I bet you’re a big Kid Rock fan, huh Dad? ” After a long silence my Dad responded “I don’t even know what that means.”

Then it was silent for about 3 minutes, which is a really long time when you think about it. My Mom broke the ice by asking if anyone was thirsty.

Happy Thanksgiving!

25 Nov

His flight got in at something like 1AM. He woke me up with a punch in the stomach and a demand that I drink a beer with him, where I learned that:

“If you ever have some drugs stuffed up your ass in a security line at the airport, don’t stand behind an old black lady. They wear too much perfume, which will cause you to sneeze, which will dislodge the drugs.”

There’s an air in the house right now that feels like how I’ve always pictured living under Taliban rule as we all wait for my brother to get drunk at dinner tonight. Pins and needles. Pins and fucking needles.

"Please don't ruin Thanksgiving."

Plans for Turkey Day

15 Nov

He’s on a roll today…

“Hey I was thinking that on Thanksgiving this year I would kick Dad’s ass again. Maybe you could actually help this time instead of standing there like an idiot. I figure if I punch him hard enough in the stomach after dinner he’ll puke up that shitty gravy Mom makes. Thoughts?”

My thoughts are that it sounds like a great idea! They got into a fight like four Christmases ago and the tree ended up in the front yard, ornaments and all. It was amazing.

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