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“Emergency Flare”

3 Aug

He sent one in the form of a text at 3:49AM his time last night/this morning. This is exactly what he wrote:

“Emergency flare. I got shit can hammered tonight and havbe an important mtg in 5 hours. Please call me over and over at 830AM my time. Thanks I’m awseome :)”

Can’t wait to call him and wake him up. 


Music To His Ears

28 Jul

or not. He sent this text late last night:

“Techno violinists are a plague on society.”

Where could he have possibly been at 3AM his time that would cause this thought? A party with a techno violinist? WTF.

This is what I imagine the party looked like.


29 Jun

Seriously guys if I fail summer school too I’m going to kill myself. Don’t know what prompted this one, but…

“If someone’s text or email makes you laugh, just write “Hahahaha” not fucking “LOL.” First off, it’s faster. Secondly, it’s more genuine. People who write “LOL” are assholes and liars. Really, you “LAUGHED OUT LOUD”? You just fucking laugh out loud all day, huh? How do you hold a job down? People must think you’re crazy, just laughing away at your stupid desk all day like a damn loon. Fuck you!!!!!!!”

I love it when his emails get angry at the end to the point that it feels like he’s mad at me. 

Fancy Man

23 Jun

This may be good for a date or something as we head into the weekend…

Hey dude. I’ve been drinking a lot of wine lately and have figured out basically the difference between all the types. Wanted to give you a quick rundown:


Merlot– Tastes like old rusty grapes, stains everything you spill it on, makes you think stuff is funnier than it actually is.

Cabernet Sauvignon– Tastes like sweet old rusty grapes, stains shit, makes you forget about your problems.

Pinot Noir– Takes like a bunch of raspberries that got crushed up by an old dirty silver mallet. Makes you late to work.

Syrah–Tastes like a carpenter’s screw dipped in blueberry farts. Makes you angry.


Chardonnay– Tastes like the time I ate a Chrysanthemum with a flat Sprite. Makes you think about ex-girlfriends.

Sauvignon Blanc– Tastes like a glass of water that someone left an old piece of apple in. Makes you send weird emails to people you haven’t talked to in awhile.

Pinot Grigio– Tastes like a drinking fountain that a bum peed on a couple weeks ago. Makes you feel like an elegant snake.  

Hope that helps!”

Yes, it does help. A lot. Going to try that “elegant snake” one this weekend if I can get my hands on some. 

No one looks cool while smelling wine.

Know What You’re Getting Into

22 Jun

Is he changing his “get all the pussy you can, forever” tune? You be the judge:

“I had this girl over to my apartment last night, and in between some sexytime stuff I was lost in thought about how much of my time she was wasting, which in lieu of receiving money for her services (because that would he HORRIBLE, right?), is what she wanted. It’s what all women want– your time and attention.

If I had just jerked it, I’d have saved myself something like 4 hours. And now, since as soon I came I decided that I hate this girl and never want to see her again, I’m going to have to fend her off into oblivion over the next two months via a series of bi-weekly text exchanges, costing me roughly 15-30 minutes each time. All told, for this one blowjob (it was okay, like 6 out of 10), I’ll have wasted anywhere from 10-12 hours of my life! Now multiply that by the number of  BJ’s I receive per year (172) and the subsequent run-and-hide technique I employ, and we’re talking about roughly 1,892 life hours wasted! Good God man that’s nearly 79 days! Think of all the things I could’ve done in that amount of time– the inventions, the theories, the fantasy football analysis!

The point I’m making here is that even though women are pretty and they smell good (even their sweat smells good for God’s sake), they are time-wasting machines of evil. Think about that the next time you text Butterface Brenda over to your room for 3.5 hours of watching Modern Family and talking about coffee flavors and .5 hours of weiner touching. Maybe just grab the Lubriderm, fire up a few windows of Safari for 20 minutes and then invent something awesome instead, like silent packing tape®.”

He likes to calculate things of this nature… Rather than working I think. And he’s been telling me to invent silent packing tape for years but I think someone already did.

Show It

20 Jun

So, he sent this earlier, and as reader DG pointed out, he got it wrong. I always just cut and paste his emails rather than editing them… 

“Remember- “I’m a shower, not a grower” is just something people with small dicks say.”

So I wrote him back “Dude you fucked that up. It’s the other way around.” and he wrote back:

“People make mistakes, dickhead. Mom and Dad did with you, and now I have made my first life mistake as well.” 

He Doesn’t Remember

19 Jun

and that should scare all of us. He texted this photo and wrote the following:

“It’s crazy when you stumble across your “killing gloves” laid out on a sidewalk and you can’t remember how on Earth they got there.” 

If this was CSI we would check those tire tracks and determine the vehicle used in the crime.

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