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Drawing It Out

11 Sep

He sent this picture of his hotel stationary and wrote the following:

“Here’s what I did last night with a local “Tica” as they call them. The last one is me crying alone if you can’t make it out. Anything happening in America today??? I kid, I kid. U-S-A! U-S-A! We got you Bin Laden you fuck!!!!”

The second to last one looks to be the payment. And what the fuck is that sentence at the bottom?



If You Believe

15 Aug

A guide to getting stabbed…

“Always encourage conspiracy theorists. They are some of the most interesting people in America because they’re the only group who regularly questions accepted norms, and with vigor! They’d be modern philosophers, but instead most of them just own multiple cats, heavy blankets and tape recorders THAT THEY USE REGULARLY. 9/11 was orchestrated by the American government? No doubt! Egg them on. Especially in public. Then you can be all like “Remember the time the weird guy stabbed me? That shit was crazy but I’ve dealt with it emotionally, except on nights when it still makes me cry.” Make sense? Good.”

Testing that out tonight.  

Have a minute?

On Doctors and Injuries

11 Aug

Two things he’s all too familiar with…

“Well, I did it. I cracked a rib at Lollapalooza. Shouldn’t have been so awesome I guess. Didn’t want to see my Doctor because she’s mad at me over the whole “naked when she came into the room last time” thing, so I asked a Jewish guy in my office to check me out, which is basically the same thing as seeing a doctor. That brings the count to this–

11 YEARS of Competitive Baseball, 4 YEARS of Football, 4 YEARS of Track, and 1 REGRETTABLE YEAR of Tennis = 5 sprained ankles, 1 concussion and 1 broken wrist.

15 YEARS of Competitive Partying = 6 broken noses, 10 broken toes (fell off a horse, don’t ask), 1 shattered wrist, 42 STD’s, 3 broken fingers, 3 broken ribs, 1 broken arm, 7 concussions and that time that the bottom part of my nose ripped off when I jumped into a trashcan. 

So once again, I win.”

He wins how in this scenario? I remember once he came home for Thanksgiving and was basically in a full body cast from a fight he started that ended up on CNN. He was so proud because the only other thing that CNN was reporting on was 9/11. “Couple of BAD DUDES in the news today” he kept saying. What a world class idiot. Also, 8 concussions can’t be good for anyone. 

Reuse, Recycle, But Don’t Reduce

29 Jul

That’s the motto I made up for him. It’s not very catchy, sorry. He sent this picture at 730AM his time:


“If your recycling bin doesn’t look like this, you must be in a sleeper cell. PS how beautiful are these new God Bless America Bud Heavy cans? And the Gatorade is so I don’t puke on my boss’s shoes. Made in America bitch.”

Those cans are pretty cool. 

Conspiracy Theories

5 Jul

He has a lot of them, but this is easily one of my favorites:

“You ever wonder if pro baseball player Rickie Weeks had anything to do with WikiLeaks? How is no one talking about this? And before you tell me that’s crazy, take a look at Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun. Not so implausible now, is it?”

Nope. It’s not.


Why was she at a baseball game?






Future Terrorists

25 Jun

I guess he’s travelling. He sent this photo:

“The terrorists have won again. I thought Bush killed Osama?!?!?!?!?! Give me a motherfucking BRIZ-AKE!!!!!!!!!!”

I heard you can't X-ray film, but can you X-ray kids?

Cat Fight

22 May

Looks like he had one…

“Check this shit out dude. Evidence of why you should never hang out with a Malaysian girl. They are fucking DANGEROUS. One minute it was “Please fuck me in the bathroom”, then it was “GROWL STAB CUT!!!”, then “Suck my pussy at the stoplight,” then she would be all “KILL DESTROY SCREAM!!!” Plus she had a speech impediment disguised as an “accent,” not unlike all Bostonians. I made her get out of my car so I could drunk drive alone. And this is why we fight all these wars, man. Non-Americans are dangerous. And PS if you notice, I took the photos while peeing- BECAUSE I’M BOSS.” 

Here are the two photos he emailed. I think he’s being dramatic. Funny but dramatic:


You can actually see the stream of urine.

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