And also a bunch of other federal charges coming soon for him…
“Everyone’s been talking about this new app “Siri” for the iPhone and how it allows you to find out where the nearest laundromat-disco-flower is to the cattle ranch you’re turning tricks at, so I decided to do the World one better last night– I kidnapped Suri, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ kid. Problem is, I keep asking her questions and she’s not really all that informative. Most of her answers involve how hungry and scared she is, and sometimes when I’m all like “Hey Suri is it going to rain today?” she just starts crying and screaming about how she wants to go home. Anyway, she fits right in my purse and I’m going to be the belle of the ball tonight at the art gallery opening I’m attending!”
"Kidnapped Suri? Hahahahaha that's hilarious. Prepare the volcano aliens to attack."
and me, as usual. He called me 5 times in a row last night after we were texting, but I fell asleep. Then he emailed me this:
“What the fuck is wrong with you? If you text me, and then ONE SECOND LATER I call you, how do you not answer? You’re holding your phone dude. I know this. It’s a fact. I don’t want to talk for five hours like a 13 year old Italian schoolgirl. I want information. FUCK!!!”
He was just asking me dumb questions about fantasy football anyway. I spare you guys from a lot of shit trust me.
This is kind of like his “business cards are good for picking your teeth” email…
“That new app “Face Time” on the Macs is awesome for seeing if you have anything in your teeth/remembering how handsome you are. Not sure what you people use it for but they probably just could’ve called it “iMirror” or something that made more sense.”
Love the “you people” part.
Yay we're all different races!
Great suggestion. Can’t wait to waste my time on it and impress everyone next year…
“Having photos of yourself awkwardly posed next to B-List celebrities is a great way to remind people that you’re better than them. That’s why I think that you should get your ass on photoshop and start plugging yourself into some pics. Put them up all over your frat house room next year and when someone asks about them, feign nonchalance. And God damnit if you don’t know what that means we’re wasting a lot of money on your education. Suggestions: Katie Holmes, Mario Lopez, Lindsay®, Hillary Duff, Gerard Butler, the list goes on and on. Remember, lighting is incredibly important for a good Photoshop job, or so says Takahashi my Asian co-worker. And when people ask, say something like “I dunno, we used to date” even if it’s a guy. And then go back to your video game and let the silence fucking tear their brain apart with jealousy!”
So should I take down my abs photo then?
I see right through his sarcasm, and I like it:
“I’m so angry!!! This tiny plastic box temporarily won’t allow me to access meaningless information from a network of cross-referencing satellites!!!! WTF bro! I’m going to take my anger out on a minimum wage worker in Kansas over the phone because I’m a Classic Modern Dickhead!”
The funny thing is he does shit like this, and he also mocks it. Gemini? Or bi-polar? Or maybe just bi-winning?
"The future is hilarious!"