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Mistaken Identity

2 Nov

And also a bunch of other federal charges coming soon for him…

“Everyone’s been talking about this new app “Siri” for the iPhone and how it allows you to find out where the nearest laundromat-disco-flower is to the cattle ranch you’re turning tricks at, so I decided to do the World one better last night– I kidnapped Suri, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ kid. Problem is, I keep asking her questions and she’s not really all that informative. Most of her answers involve how hungry and scared she is, and sometimes when I’m all like “Hey Suri is it going to rain today?” she just starts crying and screaming about how she wants to go home. Anyway, she fits right in my purse and I’m going to be the belle of the ball tonight at the art gallery opening I’m attending!”

"Kidnapped Suri? Hahahahaha that's hilarious. Prepare the volcano aliens to attack."



“Think About That”

9 Oct

Stuff on his mind, and banging into his head…

“I bet you a lot of people with iPads use them on the toilet. Think about that the next time you see some smug fuck with his iPad thinking he’s fancy. There’s poop molecules all over that badboy. In other news, I smashed into a glass sliding door last night at a party and made an ass of myself. But I owned it by fake-doing it three more times throughout the night. Never shy away from embarrassment. Own it.”

Chicks are doing it too...


Annoyed By Technology

28 Sep

and me, as usual. He called me 5 times in a row last night after we were texting, but I fell asleep. Then he emailed me this:

“What the fuck is wrong with you? If you text me, and then ONE SECOND LATER I call you, how do you not answer? You’re holding your phone dude. I know this. It’s a fact. I don’t want to talk for five hours like a 13 year old Italian schoolgirl. I want information. FUCK!!!”

He was just asking me dumb questions about fantasy football anyway. I spare you guys from a lot of shit trust me. 

Mirror Mirror

13 Sep

This is kind of like his “business cards are good for picking your teeth” email…

That new app “Face Time” on the Macs is awesome for seeing if you have anything in your teeth/remembering how handsome you are. Not sure what you people use it for but they probably just could’ve called it “iMirror” or something that made more sense.”

Love the “you people” part.

Yay we're all different races!

Picture This

6 Apr

Great suggestion. Can’t wait to waste my time on it and impress everyone next year…

“Having photos of yourself awkwardly posed next to B-List celebrities is a great way to remind people that you’re better than them. That’s why I think that you should get your ass on photoshop and start plugging yourself into some pics. Put them up all over your frat house room next year and when someone asks about them, feign nonchalance. And God damnit if you don’t know what that means we’re wasting a lot of money on your education. Suggestions: Katie Holmes, Mario Lopez, Lindsay®, Hillary Duff, Gerard Butler, the list goes on and on. Remember, lighting is incredibly important for a good Photoshop job, or so says Takahashi my Asian co-worker. And when people ask, say something like “I dunno, we used to date” even if it’s a guy.  And then go back to your video game and let the silence fucking tear their brain apart with jealousy!”

So should I take down my abs photo then?


1 Apr

I see right through his sarcasm, and I like it:

“I’m so angry!!! This tiny plastic box temporarily won’t allow me to access meaningless information from a network of cross-referencing satellites!!!! WTF bro! I’m going to take my anger out on a minimum wage worker in Kansas over the phone because I’m a Classic Modern Dickhead!”

The funny thing is he does shit like this, and he also mocks it. Gemini? Or bi-polar? Or maybe just bi-winning?

"The future is hilarious!"

Future Politics

17 Mar

He loves mocking new technology. I remember him claiming he would “never” have a cellphone because if people couldn’t get ahold of him it was because he didn’t want them to. Anyway…

“Just had a very confusing run-in with someone at a bar. This guy all of a sudden shouted, “Yay, I’m the mayor of this bar!” Figuring he’d just won some strange election, I approached and explained to him that I’d clogged one of the toilets and asked if he could call Public Works out to fix it. Turns out it’s some weird telephone game called FourSkin and he’s not actually the mayor of anything!! Do you play it? Hope not. Seems gay. And not Cool Gay either, like a couple dudes in SF adopting a kid. Annoying Gay, like guys with bangs.

PS– Start drinking! It’s St. Patrick’s Day!”

Crazy that these little kids live inside your phone.

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