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Racking up Stats

30 Aug

He just sent me this. Amazing.

“Attached is a breakdown of my college statistics. I hope you’ll find them inspirational.”

Love that he didn’t calculate the final GPA.

A View to a Kill

29 Aug

I swear I must be the only person he feels like he can talk to about this stuff:

“In my apartment building there’s an open atrium type area where you can see into other people’s apartments depending on their blind situation. Tonight I noticed that I can see right into this one dude’s place, into his bedroom, where he has his computer area set up as follows: Big ass computer, box of tissues, box of Cheez-Its. It’s like Rear Window up in this bitch!”

Yes, just like the award winning Alfred Hitchcock classic “Rear Window.” Identical, almost.

A Lot to Look Forward To…

26 Aug

He sent the much anticipated “chart” he spoke of…

“Attached is a graph depicting the amount of fun you’re going to have over the course of your life. This is based on years of lab research and a lot of beers I just drank by myself while listening to Dave Matthews Band. Oh God, is that joke even funny anymore? Shit. Anyway, you’ll note that the majority of your fun will occur during college, and very little afterwards. Never forget that.”

It's all downhill after this!

Fun with Words!

25 Aug

He sent me and a bunch of other people (I guess his friends from college) this email today:

“I get embarrased because I always misspell the word embarassed. Then I thought of this handy memory device:

The vowels had to separate the two r’s and two s’s when they started a knife fight on the ballroom floor at the annual gala. Everyone, including the two r’s and two s’s (who were both very drunk) got embarrassed. Hope that helps you guys not make the same mistake.”

He means well.

You Be The Judge

23 Aug

Drunk Dialing

22 Aug

He called me absolutely rip-roaring wasted again last night. I need to figure out a way to record these somehow. The majority of our conversation was him yelling “I’m a man!” over and over again. Then he started to sing “Sweet Caroline” but I think his phone died. Or he did. One or the other for sure.

Definitive Advice Part Two

21 Aug

This was the second:

“Other than doing cocaine at your friends’ bachelor parties (and sometimes even their weddings), nothing is really fun after college. It’s all a letdown, all a meager attempt at the type of fun you were just having. There’s probably a fleeting moment in the years just prior to your death where you get to have fun again by saying crazy shit to everyone, pretending to have Alzheimer’s around people you’ve always hated, and faking your death over and over in innumerably hilarious ways. But shit, that’s like fifty years away. Fifty terrible fucking years.  Maybe you’re still not getting the picture. Maybe I should make a chart or something to illustrate my point.”

Countdown to the “chart” begins…

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