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Cumulative Effects

14 May

They happen in so many ways over time… and yet another reminder to kill myself:

“The reason getting old sucks is because everyone you hang out with, even your best friends, have too much shit on their minds. You can be with the two coolest people in the World, but if they’re over 27, they’re both gonna have a bunch of real shit to think about and be slightly more boring because of it. Mortgages, bad investments, worse relationships, old chubby pregnant chicks, whether all the concussions we got from fighting are fucking up our memory capacity, and mortgages. When you hang out with your boys right now, the only thing on your mind is what the pussy you’ll be eating later tastes like. Mango? Regret? Bagel Bites? Who knows, and who cares, because those aren’t real problems. I spent most of Saturday night trying to figure out if declaring bankruptcy got me out of my student loans over ten gin and tonics and eleven lines of coke. The answer is no. To all of it. One more reason why you need to eat mescaline and fall out of your frat house window next year. After you go abroad, of course. Nothing better than going out on top.”

I typed “Bagel Bites Funny” and here we are. Truly that.


Getting Cultured

20 Jun

He’s looking towards the future for me now:

“One good reason to get good grades this summer is so you can Study Abroad eventually. And I know a thing or two about “studying a broad” if you know what I mean! JK, JK. My landlord made that joke to me once during my first Senior year, and needless to say I didn’t pay rent the rest of the year. Know why? Because DEAD MEN DON’T COLLECT RENT CHECKS. Anyway, back to enriching yourself culturally by studying in another country– It’s awesome. While I was abroad I not only grew a mustache, I also got a tattoo, had sex with dozens of women, got a kick-ass STD,  got food poisoning, and beat the hell out of a man at a wedding that I may or may not have been invited to. Try doing that in Ohio! Studying Abroad is great because no matter where you are, everyone’s tired of the same-old-same. So when your bleach-white American ass shows up, the ladies go cuckoo. Just like how when an English guy with rotten, jagged teeth shows up on campus and blathers on about a cricket match and how his mother still picks his clothes out for him and the GIRLS STILL GO NUTS FOR HIM, there’s something about foreign accents that can play in your favor in other countries. So step it up this Summer, and work a little harder next year so you qualify.” 

“Dead men don’t collect rent checks” should be the title of a movie.


17 Jan

This email had a dual-theme it seems. Hating and loving other cultures. Also, I’m drunk and it’s very hard to type. America!

“When you’re in another country, it’s always good to make fun of all the dumb names they have for stuff. “Oh french fries are called ‘papas’ here? Um, I’m sorry, but I’m not eating a bunch of Dads!” Then say, “Am I right or what?!?!” and just start fucking high fiving everyone. Speaking of, you HAVE TO study abroad. They based the movie Eastern Promises on my month in Prague.”

His final claim is untrue. I cannot verify the others.

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