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Updates From The Frontline

29 May

I was whisked away to a lake where time stood still and the Internet did not exist. He went to a wedding in New York. Pardon the delay. Here are the tons of things he sent me:

“Manhattan is a dope place to go if you want to feel like the King of the World one second, and like committing suicide the next. Bring the family!”

“Fashion update from the frontline: Purples are in. Douchebags have co-opted neon. Everything silk. Silk pants even. And ladies, make sure that shit is see-through!”

“Just walked down Canal Street. Snakeskin boots? More like Fakeskin boots– AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?”

“Learned a lot about assholes tonight at Scores. Biggest take-home: If you’re gonna regularly make that ass clap, get that asshole bleached.”

“New York is the only place where you can simultaneously sit ACROSS FROM a runaway and NEXT TO the guy who’s going to kill her later.”

“An argument broke out on the subway tonight. Not IN a Subway– that would be amazing– could you imagine all the tomatoes and cold cuts flying everywhere?!?!?!?! Anyway, these two dudes were arguing with a woman sitting next to them, and I caught some real gems. First off, she accused them of being gay based on the fact that “Now that Obama said he’s down with being gay, everyone wanna go homo.” When they explained to her that they were not in fact gay, that they were two eligible bachelor ballers making “G’s,” she cleverly retorted that “G must stand for Garbage, because that’s how you be dressin!” That got a big rise out of the audience, a colorful cast of central casting castaways. But the real topper was yet to come. When she accused them of being drug dealers, one of them did not shy from the fact, brazenly announcing with raised voice, “So what? We work at Costco, AND WE DEAL DRUGS! So fuck you!” Obviously the argument was over at that point, the young man having employed the virtually unbeatable “We work at Costco and sell drugs” trump card. Her only shot to win at that point was if she happened to be a tranny prostitute who worked at Spencer’s Gifts.”

And then he stopped sending texts and emails. Maybe he tried to buy drugs from those guys and they killed him. Stay tuned. 

“First time’s free…”


Not So Wholesome

5 Apr

I’m really bummed about how lame that title is, but its the best I could come up with…

“Did you know that if you go into the Employees Only section at any Whole Foods, there’s a big black bouncer sitting in front of a curtain, and you can slip him a $5 spot to go behind it. “Hey, what’s behind it?” your dumb ass just asked. Good question, but raise your hand next time. What’s behind it is everything Whole Foods is afraid to get behind. Coca-Cola, Budweiser, one-eyed Chinese businessmen on ecstasy, strippers with MOMMY issues, naked robots, kids named Griffin who only want to talk about the time they got rabies, fat Midwestern couples pouring preservatives on Kenny Chesney posters, and also cigarettes. Try it sometime!”

I told him that sounded like the funny gay guy on Saturday Night Live who talks about nightclubs and he said:

“What in the fuck are you doing watching TV at 11:30PM on a Saturday night? Go get the clap!”

Boom! Typed "Chinese Businessmen on Ecstasy" into Google Images and got these two fools in jail. Sick Allen Iverson tshirt bro!

Courting Dudes And Fooling Girls

26 Jan

We were emailing earlier and I mentioned to him how weird rush is when you’re in a fraternity because you basically have to go on dates with dudes and convince them how cool you and all your friends are. Here’s what he eventually wrote back:

“Yes. Dating dudes is scary. It’s awkward. It’s lame. It’s probably against the damn Bible for God’s sake! But you have to do it. The cooler the dudes are in the years below you, the hotter the chicks will be that you can steal from them next year. I used to occasionally rush super handsome dudes that were COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE simply because I was 21 and wanted to poach the hot 19 year olds they would inevitably bring around once they were brothers.

But don’t take dudes out to dinner and TELL THEM how cool you are. Everyone does that. Instead, take them to a strip club and SHOW THEM how cool you are by tipping all the strippers with 100 fake $5 bills you spent one hour printing and SEVEN DAYS perfecting using a combination of elbow grease, hiking boots, a dryer and a cookie roller to create the PERFECT TEXTURE– just like real money, am I right Destiny!?!??! That will teach your potential future brothers a few important things:

1. You love tits and pussy and you don’t care how many times a girl had to get smacked and/or ignored by her Dad growing up to show them to you.

2. You don’t give a fuck about rules or laws or morals or common decency.

3. YOU’RE A RESOURCEFUL, HARD WORKER. When you set your mind to something, like for instance tricking a group of undereducated whores into thinking you’re Baller McMurtry, the new fancy guy from out of town who specializes in $5 bill tossing, you FUCKING ACCOMPLISH IT. 

Now get some handsome fuckers in your frat so I can visit you when you’re a senior and I’m a sad, single 30 something with serious emotional issues, a pocketful of Ecstasy, and a penchant for fistfighting. Thanks!”

This is probably his best advice in quite a while. 

Don't get too excited girl. Its way less than you think.


8 Sep

Sounds like we’ve both been having a rough week. He sent this very late last night:

“Why is there a stripper in my apartment right now, and why are we listening to a Helmet CD she got from her car? Do you even know who Helmet is? It’s sad.”

Wikipedia says that “Helmet is an alternative metal band from New York City formed in 1989.”


Eight Days A Week

13 May

Soon I can focus on this goal:

“I’ve gone out hard (HARD AS FUCK!!!) the last few nights and realized that if you want to get laid all the time, you have to go out EVERY NIGHT of the week. Here is a handy guide:

MONDAY: More like FUNday am I right?? There’s a lesbian bar down the street from my apartment that goes OFF on Monday nights. I know that one of these days I’m gonna convince one of them to “straddle the fence” as I call it. The fence in that scenario I my dick, FYI.

TUESDAY: More like BOOZEday am I right?? Okay I’ll stop doing that. But everyone knows that Tuesdays are amazing. I used to go to a black bar in Atlanta every Tuesday and I became so well known that one night I decked a guy for stepping on my Air Jordans and the bouncers threw HIM out, not me! Tuesdays are also a great night to do cocaine. 

WEDNESDAY: Wednesdays are tricky, but if you can find the right spot they’re genius. Usually some random bar will have a Humpday drink special, like 2for1 or something, which can give your wallet a rest and also gets chicks HAMMERED. Hammered chicks make the sun come up. Did you know that?

THURSDAY: This used to be such a popular night at my college that eventually I wisened up and stopped taking Friday classes. My Friday morning routine consisted of an Ibuprofen horse pill, a bong hit, a bacon-egg-and-cheese bagel and stories with the fellas in the kitchen. Boom!

FRIDAY: Obvious.

SATURDAY: Fucking obvious.

SUNDAY: More like FUNday am I right? Sorry. Sundays are interesting because they are split into two sections on the year. The first and most important is Football Season, when you start drinking at around 11AM and bars are filled with 80% men and 20% TOTAL FUCKING SLUTS. The other part of the year is called God’s Half, where you can catch girls who don’t go to church (and Jews, the sluttiest of all religions) out, but I recommend finding a good “Industry Night” somewhere. These are nights where people in the service industry (waiters, bartenders, strippers, vampires) go out and fuck each other because they all work THU/FRI/SAT and can’t fuck each other on those nights. Epic night, always.

PLOMPDAY: Plompday is a day I made up in my head because 7 days is not enough for me and I’ve totally lost my mind. On Plompday everyone kisses me and grabs my penis and we listen to old Joe Jackson records.

Good luck!!!!!”  

I need all the luck in the world today. 

Don’t Slow Down

14 Apr

Sage advice from an under 30 man who’s been arrested numerous times, kicked out of schools and slapped by dozens of women:

“A couple years ago I got a red-light camera ticket and a $500 fine while driving to get my dick sucked. I tried to make the girl pay for it, but she only accepted the deal in the metaphorical sense. I got the ticket in the mail, and the accompanying dumbass photo of myself staring at the camera, because when the light turned yellow I flinched, pumped the brakes and then floored it too late. Boom. Five hundo down the drain. I could’ve done great things with that money, like donated it to Charity, who is a stripper near my apartment. Zing! Anyway, this ticket helped give my life new focus. A new credo, if you will. And you will! So here it is:

Treat life like a yellow light. When it seems like you should hit the brakes, fuckin’ gun it.

Take that shit to the bank.”

So there you have it, folks. Live until you die.

And DON'T drive down escalators!

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