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Get Hurt

8 Dec

Another solid idea…

“The best way to get to know your body is to torture it. You’ll find out all sorts of things that regular people don’t know, like the fact that scabs on the inside crease of your elbow take 9 years to heal, or that you can go 30 days without drinking water and not die, or that a bad case of Tiger Nuts never really goes away, it just stops glowing orange after a year. Things like that. Bet you Dr. Oz’s dumb ass doesn’t know that shit.” 

"Tiger Nuts? I'm not familiar with that."


Sex And Sleep

30 Nov

They seem unrelated, and they probably are. But not if you’re insane:

“Sometimes I wake up in the morning and there’s all sorts of pornographic pictures of women on my desktop and I’m all like “Whaaaaat?!” And then I remember that I was masturbating really late at night and I fell asleep. And that, my friend, is how computers get viruses. Wrap it up!” 


Another reason to not get a cat.

Trivia Question

13 Sep

He’s got one for you:

“Question: How many showers does it take to wash the shame and sadness off your body after what I just did? Answer: It’s impossible! But four showers, a bowl and three MGD’s help. Think I brought back Bed Bugs with me, PS. Bed Bugs or AIDS. Test results pending.”

Covering a lot of fun subject headings in that post. School is slightly less terrible sophomore year I think. 

On Doctors and Injuries

11 Aug

Two things he’s all too familiar with…

“Well, I did it. I cracked a rib at Lollapalooza. Shouldn’t have been so awesome I guess. Didn’t want to see my Doctor because she’s mad at me over the whole “naked when she came into the room last time” thing, so I asked a Jewish guy in my office to check me out, which is basically the same thing as seeing a doctor. That brings the count to this–

11 YEARS of Competitive Baseball, 4 YEARS of Football, 4 YEARS of Track, and 1 REGRETTABLE YEAR of Tennis = 5 sprained ankles, 1 concussion and 1 broken wrist.

15 YEARS of Competitive Partying = 6 broken noses, 10 broken toes (fell off a horse, don’t ask), 1 shattered wrist, 42 STD’s, 3 broken fingers, 3 broken ribs, 1 broken arm, 7 concussions and that time that the bottom part of my nose ripped off when I jumped into a trashcan. 

So once again, I win.”

He wins how in this scenario? I remember once he came home for Thanksgiving and was basically in a full body cast from a fight he started that ended up on CNN. He was so proud because the only other thing that CNN was reporting on was 9/11. “Couple of BAD DUDES in the news today” he kept saying. What a world class idiot. Also, 8 concussions can’t be good for anyone. 

Getting Cultured

20 Jun

He’s looking towards the future for me now:

“One good reason to get good grades this summer is so you can Study Abroad eventually. And I know a thing or two about “studying a broad” if you know what I mean! JK, JK. My landlord made that joke to me once during my first Senior year, and needless to say I didn’t pay rent the rest of the year. Know why? Because DEAD MEN DON’T COLLECT RENT CHECKS. Anyway, back to enriching yourself culturally by studying in another country– It’s awesome. While I was abroad I not only grew a mustache, I also got a tattoo, had sex with dozens of women, got a kick-ass STD,  got food poisoning, and beat the hell out of a man at a wedding that I may or may not have been invited to. Try doing that in Ohio! Studying Abroad is great because no matter where you are, everyone’s tired of the same-old-same. So when your bleach-white American ass shows up, the ladies go cuckoo. Just like how when an English guy with rotten, jagged teeth shows up on campus and blathers on about a cricket match and how his mother still picks his clothes out for him and the GIRLS STILL GO NUTS FOR HIM, there’s something about foreign accents that can play in your favor in other countries. So step it up this Summer, and work a little harder next year so you qualify.” 

“Dead men don’t collect rent checks” should be the title of a movie.

“Does. Not. Compute.”

10 Jun

I’m going back to school tomorrow. Just a couple weeks after leaving. Awesome…

“Dude-a-tude. I think we both can agree that you totally bitched out in your Freshman year in a number of ways. Your grades speak for themselves, but let’s take a couple of other things into perspective: You did not get arrested. Not even ONCE. You got ZERO STD’s. You got in ZERO fistfights, and by my count, you only had sex with FOUR GIRLS. Right? That’s pathetic. To put it lightly, you bitched out. Summer School is your opportunity to turn this around, and I’m here to help. Please use me more often.

Now you’re probably wondering: If I’m such a bitch (which you are) then why do you want to help me so bad? First off, it’s “badly” not “bad.” I learned that shit, among other things, in Summer School. And secondly, the reason I want to help you is because I remember when I too was a total pussy-fag like you. Sure, it was high school, not college, but still. Shit, I used to wear GLASSES and JEAN SHORTS. Think about that for a second dude. Me. The pussy-machine. Glasses. Jorts. Does. Not. Compute.  But it’s the truth. I was once, for all intents and purposes, a total Gaylord Perry like you. And look at me now– A two-time winner of the prestigious “Cock of the Year” Award from Titty-Fuck Magazine. So what happened? Well, I basically hit the pause button on the train to Shit-Town and hitched a ride to Awesomeville, so to speak. I threw my glasses in the trash, told Mom to get me some fucking contacts pronto, started lifting weights, found a kick-ass pair of regular jeans that I still wear TO THIS DAY (they’re filthy), and started treated the World like exactly what it is: MY MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.

Understand? Probably not. You’re probably texting while you’re reading this and crashing Dad’s car into an Oprah billboard. She’s gonna be so pissed! Anyway, keep this in mind, do some pushups and watch some fire-up movies like Gladiator and Must Love Dogs, and then get back down to school with a wall-crushing boner!!!!!!!!”

For the record it was 5 girls not 4. 

Is this the "fire-up" scene from Must Love Dogs?

How To Celebrate Cinco

5 May

In case you were wondering, here’s your tipsheet:

“Dude!!!!!!! Almost forgot about Cinco de Mayo!!!! Sorry about that. You were probably waiting to find out how to celebrate. Well let me tell you. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the first time Mexicans realized you could take two cars to a destination, ending decades of backseat pileups. Just kidding! Everyone knows that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the invention of Salsa, America’s favorite condiment. Fuck– just kidding again! It’s just too easy with these people! Cinco actually celebrates Mexico’s victory over France at the Battle of Puebla, which is a little cheap because if everyone on earth celebrated every victory over the French army, the World would explode vodka all over the galaxy. Still, the 5th of May is a great day to get hammered and be accidentally racist. Celebrate in style by getting absolutely shitfaced, donning a sombrero and painting a thin curly mustache on your face. Then go out and bomb four shots of tequila in a row, unzip and zip up your jeans a hundred times in a row (really fast), and yell “Cinco de Mayo!!!!!!!!!” in a shitty Mexican accent. Sounds simple, right? It is. Now get out their and catch an STD!”

Mexicans, the French… no one is safe! Have fun everyone. I’m going to try to lose my mind. Fuck school.  

Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

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