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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

17 Mar

from my brother, the weird racist jerk…

“Awwwww shit it’s Saint Patrick’s Day!!!!!!!!!!! More like Saint Hat Trick’s Day! Why? Because today is the easiest day in America to have a threesome. Today is the day we celebrate the fact that all Irish people are bad and they should leave America immediately but they can’t because the love Nintendo and the ease of buying beer at 3AM too much. Today is the day you say stuff to girls like, “Hey did you see my green shirt? Maybe you should suck my Flarnsten Rod accordingly!” and everyone cheers and carries you on their shoulders. Good luck friend! It’s the best/worst day in America, sponsored by the best/worst people we have to offer!”

Obviously we have no Irish in our family, but I do have a couple Irish friends, and I apologize to them.

This actually happened once.

Old Habits

25 Mar

You know the rest…

“Have you worn that wig I sent you recently? I was thinking that this is a natural lull in the school year, and that the women at your college could probably use a change of pace coming off Spring Break and St. Patty’s Day, where they were probably hit on at a higher rate than the normal 3.6 times per day, and therefore could stand to see something fresh, like a weird 18 year old wearing a chestnut brown wig like it’s a pair of sunglasses. Totally normal. If you need another wig I have a great one called “Black Elvis” I could send you. Made of rubber. Real conversation starter. “Are you wearing a wig?” “Why yes, dumbass, I am. And I’m wearing it because I’m fucking awesome. Now give me the things I want.” Something like that is an acceptable response. Give it a go this weekend.”

I haven’t worn the wig since that night first semester where it actually worked wonders, so maybe tonight is a good night. Wish me luck.

I think this is the one!

Future Politics

17 Mar

He loves mocking new technology. I remember him claiming he would “never” have a cellphone because if people couldn’t get ahold of him it was because he didn’t want them to. Anyway…

“Just had a very confusing run-in with someone at a bar. This guy all of a sudden shouted, “Yay, I’m the mayor of this bar!” Figuring he’d just won some strange election, I approached and explained to him that I’d clogged one of the toilets and asked if he could call Public Works out to fix it. Turns out it’s some weird telephone game called FourSkin and he’s not actually the mayor of anything!! Do you play it? Hope not. Seems gay. And not Cool Gay either, like a couple dudes in SF adopting a kid. Annoying Gay, like guys with bangs.

PS– Start drinking! It’s St. Patrick’s Day!”

Crazy that these little kids live inside your phone.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

17 Mar

To one and all…

“I feel completely remiss in not giving you any prep for St. Patrick’s Day, one of America’s greatest drinking holidays. Like having a holiday smack in the middle of Black History Month based solely on lovemaking, St. Patty’s Day plays into stereotypes by reminding us that Irish people are best at drinking alcohol and getting into fistfights. It’s a holiday where gender roles are reversed and women say stuff at bars like “Take me home and fuck me til’ I’m curly fries!” and things of that nature. There’s still time for you to make the most of this holiday, don’t worry:

First things first, run (don’ t walk) to a local thrift store and find the weirdest thing that’s green there. Might be shoes, might be a hat, maybe a sparkly belt. Even after decades of evolution, women are still suckers for good fashion accessories, and these items will serve as conversational jumping off points for you to fuck them with. Also, try to find some beads to wear and toss to girls later on. If you can find green, all the better, but it really doesn’t matter because women just like shiny stuff. Chicks will literally show you their tits just to HOLD something shiny. That’s why I painted my dick silver a couple years ago. Bottom line, the more things you’re wearing that require female investigation, the better. Once they’re close checking out your “wacky glasses” you can attack like a penis fly trap.

Next, make up (and memorize like you’ve got a test tonight) an Irish backstory in case you meet a real Irish chick tonight. “Oh me grandfather Seamus was from Kilkenny, where he used to work making potato beer for abusive husbands. Me grammy’s from Cork where she kept her mouth shut like a good lass.” Sorry I’m running low on Irish jokes. Anyway, lying always works with women and having an appropriate story for the moment is key to getting laid.

Now take your new green clothes, your bullshit story, your fake ID (you’re welcome) and get a base layer of Jameson in your belly. Head out to your local McTeary’s or O’Farty’s (the well has run dry) and drink the shit out of everything anyone offers you until you’re puking in an alley in between making out with a 38 year old lawyer chick with a buzzcut who luckily won’t remember any of this either. And most importantly, HAVE FUN KIDDO!”

He’s been incredibly long winded since our return.

She does not look Irish.

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