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Old Habits

25 Mar

You know the rest…

“Have you worn that wig I sent you recently? I was thinking that this is a natural lull in the school year, and that the women at your college could probably use a change of pace coming off Spring Break and St. Patty’s Day, where they were probably hit on at a higher rate than the normal 3.6 times per day, and therefore could stand to see something fresh, like a weird 18 year old wearing a chestnut brown wig like it’s a pair of sunglasses. Totally normal. If you need another wig I have a great one called “Black Elvis” I could send you. Made of rubber. Real conversation starter. “Are you wearing a wig?” “Why yes, dumbass, I am. And I’m wearing it because I’m fucking awesome. Now give me the things I want.” Something like that is an acceptable response. Give it a go this weekend.”

I haven’t worn the wig since that night first semester where it actually worked wonders, so maybe tonight is a good night. Wish me luck.

I think this is the one!


Back in Black

15 Mar

Or something like that. I feel like shit. Absolute shit. Luckily I had this email from him to cheer me up:

“You’re going to feel pretty terrible over the next week. Lots of swirling thoughts, random visuals of puke and body parts and money flushing down toilets. Guilt will mix with pride, and will combine into stomach aches and moodswings. That means you had a good time. Just roll with it.”

Twitter was more fun than I thought it would be. Trying to find a happy medium between the two so that we can all live on the Internet together in peace and harmony. But for now, I sleep.

One of his buddies. Identity withheld to protect the guilty.

Check Twitter This Weekend

11 Mar


Until later, here’s a text from this morning…

“Make sure to watch a lot of porn today before Vegas. BUT DON’T JERK IT. This is called the Fire Hose– a signature Vegas move of mine.”


Musical Reminder

11 Mar

I’m making a playlist as I type:

“Shit forgot to remind you to listen to lots of rap music today. Rap is only music that understands Vegas, even when it’s not talking about it. I don’t care if the Eagles make a song called “Explaining Las Vegas,” it wouldn’t have half the Vegasisms of a Three 6 Mafia song about Memphis. Rappers understand excess, bitches, unnecessary champagne and the importance of loud music better than anyone on earth. And that’s what we’re going for. So throw some old Jay-Z on your iPod and get fired up!”

The Warning Email

10 Mar

As if the previous ten or so weren’t warnings enough…

“Hey Dumb Dumb. Just wanted to warn you that some of my friends can be pretty weird. I know you’ve met a lot of them over time, but Vegas has the same effect on men that feeding a Mogwai after midnight did on them. If you don’t get that reference, I mean to say that my friends will all be acting like demons this weekend, hell-bent on the destruction of their own bodies, careless to the safety of others. This is what we call “fun.” You see, as you get older, you start subconsciously trying to kill yourself more and more often. Hence the popularity of sports cars and war. We’re trying to get the fuck outta here! And for some reason, they all seem really excited about you coming with me. You’d think they were a bunch of closeted pastors gearing up for a secret hotel rape-jam, but they’re not. They’re businessmen, some with wives, one with a kid (“Brendon” GROSS!!!!!!), and one pretending he’s never going to cheat on his future wife so this is his “last night of freedom” (cute). They all have some serious pent-up frustration that they’ll be taking out on craps table, nightclubs, and women’s self-esteem. Hope this isn’t scaring you, because if it is you’re a total pussy and not the brother I thought I knew and loved. See you tomorrow night!”

That would not have fit on Twitter. Speaking of, (like that segue?) make sure to check the Twitter feed starting tomorrow night, until Tuesday @brosbadadvice where I’ll be doing my best to tweet what he says and does on our trip without getting caught.

He Mailed Me Condoms

9 Mar

100 of them. I called and he didn’t answer. I texted and he wrote back:

Of course I did asshole! I ordered the Spring Break package. You will need most of them this weekend no homo.”

I appreciate it and all, since buying condoms is annoying and awkward, but it’s also just weird as fuck to get condoms from your brother. 

They are Durex "Love" brand.

Change Of Plans

3 Mar

Major. After promising me that he’d pay for my spring break (“Pick the place and you’re there with housing. 6 nights.”) he did a complete 180 and said he didn’t want me to going to Mexico, where a lot of my friends are going, because he thinks someone will kidnap and rape me. Then when I offered up Lake Havasu, where a couple of my pledge brothers are going, he called that idea “gay as fuck” and refused to pay for it too. And tonight he called me and said that he’s taking me to Las Vegas instead because he has a friend’s bachelor party there. So maybe my loss is your gain, because now instead of being in Cancun for a week with my friends, I’m going to be in Las Vegas for four days with my brother. After our talk he emailed me this:

“Remember– beggars can’t be choosers, but they can be losers. Don’t be down. We’re gonna have fun. I’ll get you a hooker. We’ll be Sheening like a motherfucker.”

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