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Just Don’t

17 Jun

Or do. I dunno anymore…

Just punched a bee out of the air. Why? Because I could. Most people can’t even swat a bee against a wall, let alone punch the honey out of one that’s MID FUCKING FLIGHT. And if you can ever do something that other people can’t, like play the piano or dunk- just do it. Just do it all the time like those rich white guys said to those poor, talented black kids in the 80’s. “Just do it fellas! Here is some equipment to do it with!” That’s a real quote from the founder of Nike’s autobiography called, “I Took All The Biscuits.” Anyway my point is, it’s important to make people feel small by demonstrating your talents in front of them and their nephews as often as possible.”

"Hahahaha I fell down!"

“Hahahaha I fell down!”


Helping Your Friends

19 Dec

It’s the best thing you can do in life. But you can’t do it like this:

“Good buddy of mine tore his ACL in a flag football game recently. This is what happens when you get older. One minute you’re trying to rip fabric off of a man running away from you carrying a strangely shaped piece of animal skin, the next you’re lying on the ground in tears. Anyway, the doctors told him he’d have to get some weird surgery where they replaced his ACL with a dead man’s achilles, and I had to step in. So tomorrow the doctors will be removing some tendons from my penis and putting them in my friend’s knee. It turns out the reason my penis is so long is that I had a bunch of extra tendons normally meant for legs and shit in there, so I was all like, “Buddy just take these for God’s sake and I’ll finally be able to fit inside an Asian!” The doctors are pumped because everyone loves a challenge and my friend doesn’t have to get some weird old serial killer’s achilles tendon which would probably make his knee do weird stuff like kick old women in their cooters. Seacrest out!”

Boner time!

Dude is open to your left you dumbass!

On Money And Women

29 Nov

Tough week last week. Had a death in the family hence the lack of posts. Back in action now with all the dickheaded things we normally post! His take on the Thanksgiving football games was this…

“Please to review the attached photo of the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson. He is 4’6″ tall and looks like a troll I met under a bridge when I was on mushrooms in 2001. His sons are both retarded because you can’t mate with a troll and expect anything less. But what else do you see? A hot wife. And why? Because ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT IS FEELING SAFE. And shit tons of money makes everyone feel safe. Look how happy this chick is, even though she had to peel back nine inches of troll foreskin to find his one inch dick– TWICE! She doesn’t give a fuck though. Just remember that. If you can make women feel safe, you can have all the women you want. That’s why hideously ugly tall guys have hot girlfriends and why I bang hot chicks every week even though I have very serious emotional problems, many of which are currently undiagnosed because I refuse to be honest with the doctors.” 

Here’s the photo in question:

Just to clarify, he is not a troll and his children are not retarded. But his wife is a money grubbing piece of skirt steak. That part was true.

It’s The End Of The World

26 Oct

for realz this time…

“Well, REM and the fucking Mayans were right. It’s the end of the World. How do I know for sure? Because Taco Bell made a deal with America. If one motherfucker steals a base in the World Series this year, we’ll give all of you fat pieces of shit a free Doritos Loco Taco. You know, the one made with fucking Doritos for the shell? That one you NEEDED? Well guess what? Someone stole a base. Who, you ask? ANGEL PAGAN. That’s right, ANGEL fucking PAGAN. If you need more evidence, fuck you. Let the feast of tacos and souls begin!” 

Don’t ask for forgiveness now, Pagan! It’s too late!

Something To Study

5 Sep

Nothing should be studied, that’s the thesis:

“A new study indicates that repeated blows to the head were partly to blame for a number of former NFL players suffering from brain trauma later in life. No shit? Glad we did a study on that, because I’ve always wondered, “Hey if I bang my head a thousand times, will that be bad?” I’ve had so many concussions I can’t remember what I’m even emailing you about, but I sure do love pineapple. In the 80’s they told us not to eat eggs, then in the nineties it was “The Incredible, Edible Egg,” and then they were like, “Oh fuck only eat the white part not the yellow!” and then ten years later some asshole figured out that, “Nope, the yellows are good too,” quickly followed up by a different asshole who said the yellows are “Worse than a dog giving you AIDS.” I just did a study: Hey my dick’s hard! Study concluded, thanks to $30M from Uncle Sam, who it turns out is a kinda girl-next-door looking hot bitch named Samantha.”

“Uh… Don’t uh… Don’t rape me Bo.”

Also, here’s the “Incredible Edible Egg” commercial he’s referring to:

Daddy Issues

6 Aug

He has ’em just as much as the women he mocks, don’t worry. Bonus: we’ve got a real baseball theme going today…

“Went to a baseball game the other night and a Dad with his little daughter were sitting in front of us. Super sweet. He gave her everything she asked for– cotton candy, icees, even ice cream after all that. And he did that because if he didn’t give her everything she wanted, someone else would, in 13 years, and it wouldn’t be ice cream. It would be a wiener.”

“Please don’t become a stripper.”

Knowing When

6 Aug

to say when. Isn’t that a saying?

” “If the Playoffs started today” is a stupid sports phrase meant to get fans of overachieving shitty teams like the Pirates excited in the middle of the season, but it’s also a good way to think about your life. Just change it to, “If I got married today…” and ask yourself if you’d be happy. The answer until you turn 40 will be no, so use that as motivation to climb a mountain, go skydiving, or let a really skinny German girl pee all over you. Something to think about.”

Go Reds!!!!!!!

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