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Helping Your Friends

19 Dec

It’s the best thing you can do in life. But you can’t do it like this:

“Good buddy of mine tore his ACL in a flag football game recently. This is what happens when you get older. One minute you’re trying to rip fabric off of a man running away from you carrying a strangely shaped piece of animal skin, the next you’re lying on the ground in tears. Anyway, the doctors told him he’d have to get some weird surgery where they replaced his ACL with a dead man’s achilles, and I had to step in. So tomorrow the doctors will be removing some tendons from my penis and putting them in my friend’s knee. It turns out the reason my penis is so long is that I had a bunch of extra tendons normally meant for legs and shit in there, so I was all like, “Buddy just take these for God’s sake and I’ll finally be able to fit inside an Asian!” The doctors are pumped because everyone loves a challenge and my friend doesn’t have to get some weird old serial killer’s achilles tendon which would probably make his knee do weird stuff like kick old women in their cooters. Seacrest out!”

Boner time!

Dude is open to your left you dumbass!

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Something To Study

5 Sep

Nothing should be studied, that’s the thesis:

“A new study indicates that repeated blows to the head were partly to blame for a number of former NFL players suffering from brain trauma later in life. No shit? Glad we did a study on that, because I’ve always wondered, “Hey if I bang my head a thousand times, will that be bad?” I’ve had so many concussions I can’t remember what I’m even emailing you about, but I sure do love pineapple. In the 80’s they told us not to eat eggs, then in the nineties it was “The Incredible, Edible Egg,” and then they were like, “Oh fuck only eat the white part not the yellow!” and then ten years later some asshole figured out that, “Nope, the yellows are good too,” quickly followed up by a different asshole who said the yellows are “Worse than a dog giving you AIDS.” I just did a study: Hey my dick’s hard! Study concluded, thanks to $30M from Uncle Sam, who it turns out is a kinda girl-next-door looking hot bitch named Samantha.”

“Uh… Don’t uh… Don’t rape me Bo.”

Also, here’s the “Incredible Edible Egg” commercial he’s referring to:

Ageism

16 Apr

And sadness. He sent this yesterday afternoon but I was TRYING TO STUDY…

“Thanks for nothing, 13 year-old kid riding his skateboard with a full arm cast on. I was feeling pretty great about myself until you ollied your way into my sad old World, happy as a clam with your cool t-shirt and ripped shorts. And a toothpick in your mouth??!?!?!?! Be careful kid! Anyway, you’ve made me feel like shit, so now my only recourse is to go home and do stuff you can’t do, like pay bills online, ice my sore ankles and type weird things into porn search engines until I feel better. I hope the slurpee you bought sucked.”

Arrogant punk.

Read Between The Lines

7 Mar

As a complete liar, he’s a master of it…

“Watched that Peyton Manning/Jim Irsay press conference today and something struck me. First of all, is it just me or is that fat idiot ALWAYS HAMMERED? Supposedly he’s sober, so I guess when you’re sober your face is always beet red and you slur your words. Anyway, they both said it “wasn’t about the money.” Lemme tell you something. If someone EVER says it’s “not about the money,” it’s ONLY ABOUT THE MONEY. In fact, pretty much every time someone says anything’s “not” about something, it is.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s you.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” She’s pissed as FUCK.

“Those are not my drugs, officer.” Those are totally my drugs and I love them can I please keep them?

“I know I’m not the father.” I’m freaking out because me and that idiot NEVER used a condom and my sperm is made of magical dreams and rocket fueled delicious candy.

So just remember that the next time someone tries to BS you. It is, what it is.” 

This country is weird.

“The Gayest Thing Ever”

10 May

I’m going into a hole of studying for the next five days while I try not to fail out of school. I know a lot of people say that, but I think it’s real for me. You can’t get 3/4 F’s and stick around can you? FML. Also… should I call the police or something on him? Man he’s losing it…

“Well, I’ve finally done it. The gayest thing ever. What’s that, you ask? Well let me tell you, you impatient fuck– I sprained my MCL doing yoga. I’ve been telling people I did it playing basketball because black people play basketball and black people are tough. But it’s not true. I sprained it when I tipped over doing yoga for the first time in my life. I know what you’re thinking. I should kill myself. But let me tell you something: I didn’t kill myself when I got caught fucking a pillow by my step-dad at age 12, I didn’t kill myself when a bird pooped on my head through my sunroof while I was driving back from a Renaissance Fair in 1997, and I didn’t kill myself when I was tripping on mescaline at a Raconteurs concert, went to take a piss and found that I had a vagina instead of a penis. SO I’M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF NOW! Like that handsome gay guy in the video said, “It gets better.” I’ll take solace in that, and in the fact that my doctor was a really cute blonde and had the sniffles so her voice was all cute and mucus-y and sexy, like a tiny little mouse with a head cold. And I’m gonna play with that mouse. Oh yes. I’m gonna love her and kiss her and caress her and squeeze her and smash her and bury her secretly and cry cry cry!!!!!!!!!! Oh God someone please shoot me!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! I’ve gone mad!!!!

PS always tie your hospital gown loose and work up a boner before the doctor comes in. Talk about a check-up!” 

Good luck to everyone still taking exams.

"You guyyyyyyyyyyys! Don't kill yourselves! OMG!"

His Very Own NFL Mock Draft

27 Apr
When he was a teenager he used to type up every NFL team’s roster on a typewriter. No joke. I remember I was looking at them one time (because I thought everything he did was cool, even gay stuff) and he freaked out and beat the hell out of me. I was five. Anyway, I was wondering where he was all day today, and it turns out he was wasting his work day making his Annual NFL Mock Draft. Enjoy by clicking below…

"With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft-- Hey is someone huffing paint in here?"

Dangerous Ground

15 Apr

This is a pretty ridiculous one to get late night:

“It’s hard not to laugh when you’re getting jerked off in a skate park, but you have to keep it in. It’s called composure. Learn it. I just hope no one slips on my gizz doing a kickflip tomorrow and hurts themselves. And no, that’s not the first time I’ve said that. 1996 was the first time.” 

Look out kid- you're about to land in semen!

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