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On Money And Women

29 Nov

Tough week last week. Had a death in the family hence the lack of posts. Back in action now with all the dickheaded things we normally post! His take on the Thanksgiving football games was this…

“Please to review the attached photo of the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson. He is 4’6″ tall and looks like a troll I met under a bridge when I was on mushrooms in 2001. His sons are both retarded because you can’t mate with a troll and expect anything less. But what else do you see? A hot wife. And why? Because ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT IS FEELING SAFE. And shit tons of money makes everyone feel safe. Look how happy this chick is, even though she had to peel back nine inches of troll foreskin to find his one inch dick– TWICE! She doesn’t give a fuck though. Just remember that. If you can make women feel safe, you can have all the women you want. That’s why hideously ugly tall guys have hot girlfriends and why I bang hot chicks every week even though I have very serious emotional problems, many of which are currently undiagnosed because I refuse to be honest with the doctors.” 

Here’s the photo in question:

Just to clarify, he is not a troll and his children are not retarded. But his wife is a money grubbing piece of skirt steak. That part was true.

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New Saying

18 Nov

Just in time for Thanksgiving!

“When someone asks you what you did this weekend you should say, “Just bustin’ nuts and trustin’ sluts!” and the smile and walk away.” 

Don’t trust ’em!

Make Yourself Indispensable

20 Oct

Diversify. That’s how…

“You’ll probably never meet another person like me, because I doubt anyone else can explain the psychological importance of the title of the Dishwalla song, “Counting Blue Cars” in one sentence (we notice things the more we think of them, i.e. if you look for blue cars, you’ll see a bunch despite them only being only 9% of the car population) and then in the next sentence, explain to you what crack smells like when it’s being cooked (filthy gym socks in boiling water). If you can get to a level like this, you’ll make yourself indispensable to society, and then you’ll be able to behave however you’ll please. Couples will debate inviting you to cocktail parties and decide in your favor, comfortable in the knowledge that at best, you’ll entertain the crowd and fuck lonely Stacy… and at worst, you’ll come out of the bathroom with your shirt tied in a knot over your beer belly and your pants down. Indispensable.”

Get Up, Stand Up

19 Oct

And look around. Maybe someone’s looking at you!

“Women are so attention starved that they wear shoes that put them on their tippy toes. Think about that for a second. They’re like fucking toddlers.”

Peek-A-Boo!

Misunderstanding

21 Sep

Yourself…

“Sometimes when I’m high as fuck, driving around blaring “Peg” by Steely Dan with my windows down, I get worried that no one understands me. And then I remember that I don’t want anyone to understand me. Because when people understand you, you become predictable. And when you’re predictable, you’re boring. And when you’re boring, you’re dead. So yeah, kid on the skateboard, this is Steely Dan. And they rule. Watch out for that lamp post!” 

Here’s the song he referenced.  I don’t understand it either:

hUMAN 5

21 Sep

See what I did there? Learned from the worst…

“The best way I know how to say to someone “I’m a human!” is to stare down at my iPhone whenever a stranger passes me. Try it sometime! JOIN US!”

I typed “asshole hipster with iphone” and this was the first hit.

Shake It

15 Aug

like a Polaroid picture…

“Just got my hand broken in half by a client because I forgot that he’s a monster from the future who breaks every man’s hand he shakes. Most of the time, if a dude shakes your hand really hard it’s because he’s an insecure piece of shit with a small dick. But every now and then, like 10% of the time, a barrel chested dude comes around with forearms like Lil Abner and palms made of sandpaper and shakes the living fuck out of your hand because he knows no other way to live. These men are American treasures, and as you ice your hand later on, cherish the pain as a representation of all that we’re capable of as human beings.”

You could get your hand broke by a fella like this.

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