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1 Feb

And the potential consequences:

“Some nights I drink so much alcohol I get worried that my head’s gonna explode when I light a cigarette. And some nights, I hope it does. If you feel like this too, congratulations: You’re awesome.”

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn't it?

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn’t it?


Thinking On Behalf Of Others

5 Jan

A specialty of his, so long as it makes no sense… This is one I forgot to post from long ago:

“I was just standing behind my car in a random parking lot, talking on the phone wearing my tank top exposing my tats and some kick ass red shorts I bought SIX YEARS BEFORE COLORS WERE COOL, when a beautiful woman stopped dead in her tracks upon gazing at me. “My my…” she thought to herself. “Sometimes you see a man that reminds you there’s a helluva lot more out there in the World. Some magical place where ALL people are awesome, and NO ONE gives a shit. He must be a visitor from that fair land. Look at the car he’s chosen– a Volvo… safe so as to protect his perfect alien body… but Turbo, in case he needs to make a quick escape. And blue? Who’d have the gaul??? And he’s smoking, even though the Earth doctors told him not to– that he’ll die! What’s that he’s doing now? Throwing up? Our silly food does nothing but displease his space-stomach. I bet he got a coffee at that Coco’s and had a laugh. Simple people, we are. Hot brown liquid is our favorite… Ha! Anyway, back to my husband Jim.”

Special request, don't tell Jim.

Special request, don’t tell Jim.

“Egg Roll Recipe”

12 Nov

That’s what he calls it, and that’s what it is. Its also the story of a sad, sad man…


1. Buy one of those things of pre-made egg rolls at Whole Foods. I know, I hate going in there too but trust me, it’s the only way to make these! Maybe knock something over on your way out and stare at a hippy if it makes you feel better.

2. Go home and drink at least ten beers.

3. Now get super stoned.

4. Watch SportsCenter until it repeats. ALWAYS until it repeats.

5. If you’re feeling like maybe you’re not gonna still be super stoned in 10 minutes, get stoned again.

6. Drink another beer.

7.Get some paper towels, then get on the Internet and whip out your dick. Type in something crazy to your favorite porn site’s search engine. Something like “GLASSES SQUIRT NOSERING.” Do your thing.

8. Heat up a pan with olive oil on HIGH. Think, “I’m high too, pan, don’t worry!” and laugh hysterically. Alone. 

9. Microwave those egg rolls for 1:30.

10. Toss those soggy, gay egg rolls in your pan. Have some fun kicking them around that bitch until they’re dark brown and crispy all over. Maybe make up a song like, “Egg Rolls! Watch my eggs roll!” I dunno dude I’m not a song writing guy.

11. Go outside. You haven’t been outside for awhile. What the fuck is going on out there? Smoke a cigarette or two. Think about stuff like how lesbians use dildos. That hardly makes sense, am I right?

12. Go back in. Take a nap, dude– you deserve it!

13. Wake up whenever your body tells you to. DO NOT set an alarm. Alarms are for people who have things to do. You’re just eating egg rolls.

14. Find those egg rolls. You might have hidden them somewhere. Don’t give up easy!

15. Now, finally, pour soy sauce all over them and eat them. Aren’t they good????!?!?!?!!!!!

16. You’re welcome.”

Serves one.

New Workout Plan

13 Sep

Many recall his famous “Workout Plan From Hell” and the dozens of other weird emails about working out (look to your right at the bottom), but this is his new “plan”…

“Got a new workout plan– I skip the elevator and walk down the steps, all the way outside, where I smoke a cigarette while pacing. It’s important to pace. If I see someone I know, I try to rope them into an argument about the topic of their choice. That really gets my heart rate going, which is important. Then I do 25 pushups (sometimes while they’re talking) and run (don’t walk) back into the building and back up the steps, stopping at my secretary Sanda’s desk, where I pick her up and do 10 “Sandra Squats.” I make a joke about how she “keeps getting heavier,” and then I slam my door, pour a little whiskey into my coffee cup, and sob uncontrollably for fifteen straight minutes, which helps to shed water weight. Then it’s back out to Sandra, but this time I just brush her hair– the COOL DOWN.”

Good to learn who Sandra is because that was a mystery the other day. Here’s the original plan:

Understanding Women

15 Jul

In two easy steps…

“If you want to understand what it’s like to be a woman, all you have to do is:

1. Smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 5 straight years.

2. Quit cold turkey and watch yourself go insane.

Your thoughts will be JUST as irrational as the average woman’s thoughts are all day long. Get mad about nothing? Check. Start a fight out of boredom? Check. Take offense to everything? Check. Only remember bad parts of otherwise good stuff? Discount double check!

I’ve gone completely insane. Called a white woman a “chink” at the ATM today. AND I MEANT IT! But I’ll tell you what. Smoking was worth it. Smoking cigarettes single-handedly got me laid probably 42 times. There’s something about the lonesome camaraderie of a street-corner smoke with a woman that bonds you immediately and forever* because you’ve got them all to yourself for 4-8 minutes. If you can’t spit some walk-off homerun game in that amount of time, you shouldn’t be at a bar in the first place. 

*forever ends the next morning.”

This photo might help you understand why women are crazy more than his email.

One Weird Minute At A Time

13 Jul

It’s no problem when you’re completely insane…

“Someone should have been following me around with a camera while I went through the first 72 hours of quitting smoking cold turkey. I’ve been talking to myself, breathing really heavy and  covering my mouth while making a face like someone just told me my dog died. The other 40% of the day I’m ravenously eating rare roast beef and coffee ice cream, bitching people out in public for doing fairly normal things, and sleeping. If that’s not a fucking reality show, I guess I don’t know what is. Seacrest out.”

I shit you not this came from a website called “What’s Happening Myron!”

He Can’t Stop

12 Jul

Or at least he shouldn’t, because its clearly not working…

“Quitting cigarettes cold turkey going well so far. Haven’t smoked in 48 hours and only had to beat the shit out of one dude in Chipotle. Little victories, baby steps, etc.”

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