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Updates From The Frontline

29 May

I was whisked away to a lake where time stood still and the Internet did not exist. He went to a wedding in New York. Pardon the delay. Here are the tons of things he sent me:

“Manhattan is a dope place to go if you want to feel like the King of the World one second, and like committing suicide the next. Bring the family!”

“Fashion update from the frontline: Purples are in. Douchebags have co-opted neon. Everything silk. Silk pants even. And ladies, make sure that shit is see-through!”

“Just walked down Canal Street. Snakeskin boots? More like Fakeskin boots– AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?”

“Learned a lot about assholes tonight at Scores. Biggest take-home: If you’re gonna regularly make that ass clap, get that asshole bleached.”

“New York is the only place where you can simultaneously sit ACROSS FROM a runaway and NEXT TO the guy who’s going to kill her later.”

“An argument broke out on the subway tonight. Not IN a Subway– that would be amazing– could you imagine all the tomatoes and cold cuts flying everywhere?!?!?!?! Anyway, these two dudes were arguing with a woman sitting next to them, and I caught some real gems. First off, she accused them of being gay based on the fact that “Now that Obama said he’s down with being gay, everyone wanna go homo.” When they explained to her that they were not in fact gay, that they were two eligible bachelor ballers making “G’s,” she cleverly retorted that “G must stand for Garbage, because that’s how you be dressin!” That got a big rise out of the audience, a colorful cast of central casting castaways. But the real topper was yet to come. When she accused them of being drug dealers, one of them did not shy from the fact, brazenly announcing with raised voice, “So what? We work at Costco, AND WE DEAL DRUGS! So fuck you!” Obviously the argument was over at that point, the young man having employed the virtually unbeatable “We work at Costco and sell drugs” trump card. Her only shot to win at that point was if she happened to be a tranny prostitute who worked at Spencer’s Gifts.”

And then he stopped sending texts and emails. Maybe he tried to buy drugs from those guys and they killed him. Stay tuned. 

“First time’s free…”

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Hunting For Deals, Hating Yourself

3 May

This covers that in the darkest way possible…

“The best thing ever is when a Target is right next to a Bed Bath and Beyond so that you can comparison shop and see if that 20% off coupon is really a better deal than Target’s normal prices. And after that you can get in your car, turn on some Elliot Smith and dig your house keys into your arm really hard until you start bleeding. Fun times!”

A nice double whammy for when you start crying after the self-mutilation.

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