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In His Day

25 Jan

Things were different…

“In my day, if you bragged about staying at home alone to watch an entire TV series you got punched, not laid. Times have changed. The hipsters have forced their nerdiness on all of us, so now dudes at bars say stuff like, “You HAVEN’T seen Downton Abbey???” to chicks instead of “Wanna go back to my place and pour hot sauce on each other?” Also what the fuck happened to the second W on that show? No time for it? Fuck you!” 

That's "some" ecard! ZING!

That’s “some” ecard! ZING!

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Terrible Pick Up Line

5 Jan

courtesy of the best there is at terrible pick up lines…

“Ran into a girl I used to have sex with the other day and attempted what I thought was a stellar pickup line. I told her “I’ve been wanting to get back in that butt like a homesick poop!” She hated it and slapped me.” 

This seemed to sum it all up.

This seemed to sum it all up.

“The Easiest Night To Get Laid In History”

6 Nov

Says it all…

“Election nights are the easiest nights to get laid in history. So make sure you attend any election party that has women, and just wait it out. Hit up a liberal gathering, and if Obama wins you get that wacky “We Are The World” celebration sex, and if Romney wins you get that sad, crying, life is over sex– which incidentally is the kind I’m most used to getting. Or go to some conservative’s apartment, and if Mitt wins you can get some of what I like to call “The Re-Heated Fish” which is when a normally boring, pasty white rich girl gets all crazy and actually moves her body during sex. Or if Obama wins you can get some of that hot, racist, “Secret Muslim Plan Stage Two” sex. I remember having an orgy after Bush beat Gore because I was in the South and all these farm girls immediately stripped as soon as that smiling huckster won. I didn’t know which way was up, or who’s tits were who’s, but I didn’t care. The next day I woke up in a trashcan covered in peanut butter, and my dick didn’t work for a month. God Bless America. And remember to cock the vote, unless the lines are too long, in which case just yell, “Fuckin’ Obama!” and leave in a huff.” 

Cock the Vote

Take A Moment

31 Oct

And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…

“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party.  These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.” 

Oh jeez.

To The Max

3 Oct

The only way to do it, whether its sports or being a dickhead to women:

“That’s it. I’m done dating women who drive Nissan Maximas. I don’t care if they’re late model or not. Those bitches are crazy 100% of the time. This chick last night had a 2013 with the PREMIUM PACKAGE and that Atlantic Cherry Woodtone Trim, and she WAS STILL CRAZY AS FUCK! Wanted me to take her to The Cheesecake Factory. “Is that what they call the spot where the bottom of your ass meets the top of your thighs?” I asked her. That’s when she lost it. And I’ll tell you what. If a girl can’t take a perfect 10 joke, then I don’t wanna be around her, even if she’s the only girl in the last five years who was willing to do “The Bronson Swirl” with me.”

Pick a temperature, crazy! Either you’re in a bikini or a fur coat. Gosh! Maybe he’s right about women after all.

They Are The Champions

7 Aug

Advice on banging brown-hairs…

“Let’s talk about brunettes– The Champions of Second Place! Brunettes are nine times out of ten the more interesting breed, but many come with a chip on their shoulder having been undervalued by society for so long. That chip can best be seen in their snarky attitudes and their vastly superior dance and sex moves. Try this: Pay attention to one right in front of a blonde while totally ignoring the blonde at a party. Odds are the less attractive brunette will fuck you that night and, blown away by being ignored, the blonde will harbor a secret attraction to you as well, to be capitalized upon later (using your penis).”

You wacky girl!

Knowing When

6 Aug

to say when. Isn’t that a saying?

” “If the Playoffs started today” is a stupid sports phrase meant to get fans of overachieving shitty teams like the Pirates excited in the middle of the season, but it’s also a good way to think about your life. Just change it to, “If I got married today…” and ask yourself if you’d be happy. The answer until you turn 40 will be no, so use that as motivation to climb a mountain, go skydiving, or let a really skinny German girl pee all over you. Something to think about.”

Go Reds!!!!!!!

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