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He’s Always Thinking

22 Sep

And most of the time it’s about really weird shit…

“I bet you ugly people have an easier time when they’re stoned in public because no one looks at them anyway. They never experience the deep-seeded fear that I do when I’m high as F and everyone’s staring at me thinking “Man that fella’s a looker” but in my mind they’re thinking “Oh he likes getting stoned? Let’s stone him to death, then! Get him everybody! Get him!” And then I have to dip into Hot Topic just to escape the angry mob and feel at home with the other freaks.”

"Argh they've closed the gates!"


“Sunday Checklist”

25 Jul

That was the title of the email. I’m just glad I’m a part of it. And you should be too…

“Wake up at Noon.


Email you.

Eat two breakfasts.


Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.


Drink a couple beers.

Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.


Send a cute email to an ex-girlfriend. Something along the lines of “Thought you would find this funny”


Drink two more beers.

Call Mom. Always call Mom on Sundays, it makes her feel good. Give her a kiss for me too she’s Mom and she’s sad because Dad is such a shit-for-brains


Check email. No response from ex.

Drink two more beers.

Go to the beach.


Shit I forgot to eat lunch!


Call someone and tell them how awesome I am.

Get Chipotle. Extra meat, guac (Yes I know it’s extra just fucking put it on there bitch!), and chips and salsa. Boom.

Eat it.


Poop it.

Text an ugly girl who I hate.


Drink three shots of tequila.


Open the door “Hi!”

She blows me.

I tell her I’m tired.

She leaves.


Check email. Still nothing. Consider sending nonchalant follow-up. Don’t.

Drink one more beer while watching 15 minutes of a “The First 48” episode.


Email an old friend about how awesome I am.

Email you.

Brush teeth.


Home is good so far. He called earlier and pretended he had to go once he got on the phone with our Dad. And then our Dad said something about the weather and sat down. 

Closing Time

16 Jun

If you’re in need of another fire-up speech:

“There’s a speech in the movie “Glengarry, Glen Ross” delivered by a young Alec Baldwin that is arguably the greatest salestalk ever spoken. In it, he details the two key tenets of making a deal in his shady world of selling fake rental property investment. The first is ABC, or “Always. Be. Closing.” The second is AIDA, which stands for “Attention. Interest. Decision. Action.”  We finance and banking fags love to quote that (and to jerk off to that scene) but if you put them in opposite order, you’ve got the perfect recipe for banging chicks. Think about it–

ATTENTION. Get her attention, any way you can. 

INTEREST. Make her interested in you. Talk about things women like, such as money, celebrity rumors, and coffee flavors. 

DECISION. Force her to make a decision. “Want to get another drink?” “Want to leave?” “Want to give me a Nigerian Lampshade?” 

ACTION. Take action with her, preferably of a sexual nature. But at the very least, leave the bar/party for one of your respective abodes. 

From there, you go into ABC mode, and close out what you’ve started. Try something fool-proof like pulling your dick out and saying “King Cobra needs to breathe.” That one always works for me. Come to think of it, you should print this all out and laminate it maybe. And check out that movie. It looks boring but it’s pretty awesome.”

Heading to Kinko’s now! Here’s the clip he’s talking about:



Sex Sounds

14 Jun

I really hope he does this:

“I was thinking about how Summer School dorms are more spread out, and have less people, and therefore sounds carry farther than normal. Then I was thinking about the power of sex sounds, and how you can use this combination to your advantage. When women hear sex sounds they first think about how sex is occurring, and next about how they wish it was occurring inside them, and thirdly about how virile the man in the room must be. To help you out, I’m going to make a Sex Sounds Mixtape for you using the harem of terrible terrible girls I’m currently fucking, featuring the hits:












(Guttural Demon Growling Noises Followed By Panting)

And many more!

Sex Sounds Mixtape will arrive at your dorm soon– don’t worry! Just lock the door, press play, and emerge covered in fake sweat with a smile on your face 22 minutes later. You’ll be fighting them off with a stick!”

I also really doubt he will follow through on this.  

Pickup Chicks

27 May

I meant for the title to be like that game Pickup Sticks, but I think if you have to explain a joke then it probably sucks. Anyway, here are some hot tips for the ladies heading into the weekend:

“This weekend you’ll be out at parties as usual, but on a new playing field. You have to remember that you now have the upper hand, and that anything you say will be immediately judged at a higher level of coolness simply because it came from your back-from-college lips. Use this advantage to get laid tonight and tomorrow night. The best way is to just have something to say- anything- and never let the conversation die. Talk about anything (except video games or computer shit) and you’ll be fine. Make random comments (“A lot of girls are wearing dresses at this party. Do you think I’m underdressed?”) to confuse them and keep them on their toes. Break up with them as your opening line, even if you’ve never met them, that one always works. Make them laugh, tell them a story, ask them about their life (I know– boring!). Whatever it takes. If you can control a conversation and hold their attention with what you’re saying, eventually you’ll basically wear them down. Think of girls like a homeless person you’re trying to beat the shit out of and rob: If you knock them on the ground (metaphorically, with your clever wordplay), you can rob and beat them all night (have sex with them).” 

Why would anyone be “robbing” a homeless person?

Lady and The Tramp.

Sky High

23 May

I got this when my plane landed, so it was of no use to me. It wouldn’t have been anyway, because it’s absurd, and I sat next to a man. But maybe it can help someone else. Just maybe…

“Dude-lick, pick up your phone! You need to use this opportunity to join the Mile High Club! Don’t let life pass you by without fucking a chick on a plane. Sooner or later the World’s gonna end, or you’re gonna get hit by a car, and as you’re lying there on the street with your brains pouring out of your head, you’ll be all like “Damn I wish I would’ve fucked on a plane once!” Well here’s your chance. I’ve done it 52 times, like the weeks in a year! Provided you sit next to a cute girl, strike up a conversation with her right away. Then order yourself and her a drink, on you. Ask her about herself, tell a couple jokes (no racist ones though. Chicks hate racist jokes for some reason). Pretend you give a shit about how she teaches school or whatever dumbass job she has. Then be the first to initiate contact. When she gets up to go to the bathroom, give her a minute, then follow. Stand by the lavatory she went into, and then when she cracks the door open just a wee bit, say “Hellooooooooooooooo Nurse!” and watch as she pulls you inside and practically sucks your dick OFF! Let me know how it goes.”  

This was not even close to who I sat next to...

Don’t Slow Down

14 Apr

Sage advice from an under 30 man who’s been arrested numerous times, kicked out of schools and slapped by dozens of women:

“A couple years ago I got a red-light camera ticket and a $500 fine while driving to get my dick sucked. I tried to make the girl pay for it, but she only accepted the deal in the metaphorical sense. I got the ticket in the mail, and the accompanying dumbass photo of myself staring at the camera, because when the light turned yellow I flinched, pumped the brakes and then floored it too late. Boom. Five hundo down the drain. I could’ve done great things with that money, like donated it to Charity, who is a stripper near my apartment. Zing! Anyway, this ticket helped give my life new focus. A new credo, if you will. And you will! So here it is:

Treat life like a yellow light. When it seems like you should hit the brakes, fuckin’ gun it.

Take that shit to the bank.”

So there you have it, folks. Live until you die.

And DON'T drive down escalators!

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