And most of the time it’s about really weird shit…
“I bet you ugly people have an easier time when they’re stoned in public because no one looks at them anyway. They never experience the deep-seeded fear that I do when I’m high as F and everyone’s staring at me thinking “Man that fella’s a looker” but in my mind they’re thinking “Oh he likes getting stoned? Let’s stone him to death, then! Get him everybody! Get him!” And then I have to dip into Hot Topic just to escape the angry mob and feel at home with the other freaks.”
"Argh they've closed the gates!"
I really hope he does this:
“I was thinking about how Summer School dorms are more spread out, and have less people, and therefore sounds carry farther than normal. Then I was thinking about the power of sex sounds, and how you can use this combination to your advantage. When women hear sex sounds they first think about how sex is occurring, and next about how they wish it was occurring inside them, and thirdly about how virile the man in the room must be. To help you out, I’m going to make a Sex Sounds Mixtape for you using the harem of terrible terrible girls I’m currently fucking, featuring the hits:
OH OH YEAH. YES YES YES!
UHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHH! OH FUCK!
YEAH! FUCK ME! OH GOD!
OH IT’S SO BIG! HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE SO BIG!??!?!?!
WOW. WOOOOOOOOOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
YEAH. PUT IT IN THERE! SIDEWAYS! SIDEWAYS!
FLIP ME OVER! FLIP ME OVER!
UH-OH! WHERE DID IT GO?!?!
OH GOD! OH FUCK YOU’RE THE GREATEST!
OH GOD! OH FUCK YOU’RE THE GREATEST! (Indian Version)
(Guttural Demon Growling Noises Followed By Panting)
And many more!
Sex Sounds Mixtape will arrive at your dorm soon– don’t worry! Just lock the door, press play, and emerge covered in fake sweat with a smile on your face 22 minutes later. You’ll be fighting them off with a stick!”
I also really doubt he will follow through on this.
I got this when my plane landed, so it was of no use to me. It wouldn’t have been anyway, because it’s absurd, and I sat next to a man. But maybe it can help someone else. Just maybe…
“Dude-lick, pick up your phone! You need to use this opportunity to join the Mile High Club! Don’t let life pass you by without fucking a chick on a plane. Sooner or later the World’s gonna end, or you’re gonna get hit by a car, and as you’re lying there on the street with your brains pouring out of your head, you’ll be all like “Damn I wish I would’ve fucked on a plane once!” Well here’s your chance. I’ve done it 52 times, like the weeks in a year! Provided you sit next to a cute girl, strike up a conversation with her right away. Then order yourself and her a drink, on you. Ask her about herself, tell a couple jokes (no racist ones though. Chicks hate racist jokes for some reason). Pretend you give a shit about how she teaches school or whatever dumbass job she has. Then be the first to initiate contact. When she gets up to go to the bathroom, give her a minute, then follow. Stand by the lavatory she went into, and then when she cracks the door open just a wee bit, say “Hellooooooooooooooo Nurse!” and watch as she pulls you inside and practically sucks your dick OFF! Let me know how it goes.”
This was not even close to who I sat next to...