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Don’t Tell

16 Jun

If there is any truth to this, it’s a pretty classic all time dick move. And hilarious…

“Last night I had a funny experience with a girl I’ve been having sex with on-and-off for the last seven years. “Why haven’t I ever met any of your friends?” she asked, a french fry falling from her mouth as she spoke. “Because they’re always asleep when we hang out,” I responded, speaking the truth from my heart. “But we could go out to dinner sometime, and I could meet them then, right?” she responded, a tear welling up in her fat eye. How fucking cute is that? I had to explain to her that she was my “Secret Nighttime Friend” and not unlike a troll that lives under a bridge, she and I would never spend a moment together in the sun, and therefore she would never meet my friends. She took it well, mostly because before I hugged her I poured some ketchup on my shoulder, giving her something to snack on as I held her tight. The point of all this is that you should find yourself a Secret Nighttime Friend, and keep her happy as you have angry, regrettable sex with her over an incredibly long swath of time. Feed her well and fill her with hope (and your penis!), and she’ll keep answering your slurring phone calls and barely coherent 4AM text messages for the better part of a decade. And remember, if you ever accidentally kill her, I’m just a phonecall away. As people I hate say, “Cheers!””

Secret Nighttime Friends


The Secret Is Safe

4 May

Although I guess by posting this it’s not. Oh well…

“Don’t ever let girls in on the secret that the only reason we open doors for them is so we can stare at their asses. Which is the exact same reason why I DON’T let dogs through doors before me. Who wants to see that old poo-butt? Put some clothes on, freak!” 

Old wrinkly poo-butt. Self conscious poo-butt.

Practice Makes Perfect

15 Apr

Another good tip heading into the weekend:

“At some point or another some dipshit you go to school with is going to drive his car into a tree or accidentally hang himself while masturbating. Bearing this in mind, you should practice moderation at all times. Because the more moderation you practice, the more drugs and alcohol you’ll be able to consume! Sure, the kid chugging Captain Morgan looks cool now, but check in with him in 45 minutes when his hand’s broken and he’s crying under a beautiful ivy-covered campus bridge like some sort of elegant troll… Now who’s cool? Not him. And as movies have shown, doing tons of coke is awesome– but telling a stranger all your secrets while having a heart attack isn’t.  So practice moderation. Take a shot, not a chug, a bump not a line… and all will be fine.”

Just ridiculous. 

Keeping Secrets

3 Feb

Sage advice on keeping track of things:

“Brosephine Baker– you should probably be keeping a list of secrets in some sort of file. Maybe label it “NOT SECRETS” to throw people off. Just kidding dude! Can you imagine?!?!?!?!?!?! Mine would be like WikiLeaks– all sorts of lawsuits and lady riots would follow.”

I’m glad he said he was kidding. I was already starting to make my list.

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