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Big Girls Don’t Cry

12 Apr

They give you pedicures…

“I’ve got this girl I hang out with sometimes, let’s call her Two Ton Terri (she’s not actually two tons, don’t be an asshole), and she comes over and grooms me every now and then like I’m a baby monkey. She gets rid of my hangnails, uses a pumice stone on my big toe callouses, and sometimes when we’re feeling real crazy, we eat breakfast for dinner (her idea!). You should get a girl like this too. People forget about fat girls and their feelings and skills and then fellas like us come in and take ’em to the Hunger Games in exchange for a massage, two vicodins and my missing third season of The Wire– God only knows how she got her cute chubby hands on that one. Every now and then just tell her she’s beautiful, punch one of her boobs into the other, yell “Just kidding!” and then run out of the room. Come back in wearing nothing but a sombrero, and when she’s done laughing, extend your feet and pretend you’re a rich white girl and she’s a snarky old Korean lady, which maybe she will be! It’s all quite simple when you think about it, life.”

Photo courtesy of AARP. No seriously. It is.

Eat The 99%

28 Oct

That would be his slogan. Or maybe “Occupy That Fucking Park.” Anyway I’m hungover and hate everything so I agree with him…

“Look at this douchebag’s Prius. “99%” Oh yeah buddy. You’re part of the 99% except for the fact that you drive a Prius in America and are probably white and can also probably read and write and have three square meals a day and shelter and not AIDS. Oh wait, YOU ARE THE 1% YOU UNGRATEFUL, COMPLAINING, CRYBABY FUCK! PS wash your car it looks like shit.”

Here is the douchebag’s Prius in question:

Look on the douchebag's dashboard...

His Very Own NFL Mock Draft

27 Apr
When he was a teenager he used to type up every NFL team’s roster on a typewriter. No joke. I remember I was looking at them one time (because I thought everything he did was cool, even gay stuff) and he freaked out and beat the hell out of me. I was five. Anyway, I was wondering where he was all day today, and it turns out he was wasting his work day making his Annual NFL Mock Draft. Enjoy by clicking below…

"With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft-- Hey is someone huffing paint in here?"

OML

10 Feb

He’s outdone himself this time:

“Brosario Dawson- It strikes me that since there’s a lot of rich chicks at your school you’re probably being wrongly swayed by their hotness into thinking that they’re “the one” for you. I’ve made the attached chart as a reminder that the more money a girl grew up with, the worse she will be in bed. Maybe shrink it down and laminate it and keep it in your wallet so you can easily reference it at parties. As people I hate say… Cheers!”

Here you go folks. An absolutely ridiculous waste of his employer’s money, and a great waste of all of our time:

His penis is kind of thin, am I right? This is weird. Sorry.

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