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Bad Jokes, Good Friday

6 Apr

We get it all at once here:

“Hey bro. Have a BAD Friday! Get it? See what it did there? Do you FUCKING SEE???????? It’s Good Friday so I said the opposite! What is this Bizarro World? 

Seriously though, I really hope you have a BAD Friday wink wink wink! These are the kind of jokes you should tell at parties tonight. They’re called “Buzzsaws” or “Roomstoppers” or “Jing Jongs.” People love a good Jing Jong every now and then. Indisputable.” 

How We Begin

11 Jun

Why/How/Where does he think of stuff like this?

“One of the first things that happens in life is an old Jewish man comes up to you and cuts part of your penis off. That’s pretty fucking crazy when you think about it.”

 Yeah, when you put it like that, it is pretty crazy.

The Rapture Explained

19 May

Finally…

“Leave it to the Asians to break it all down for us with Avatars.”

Here’s the YouTube link he sent:

Getting Rapt Up

17 May

When you’re the first person to finish an exam, I think that’s usually a bad sign. There were literally some questions where I laughed at my lack of knowledge on this last one. Looks like it won’t matter anyway:

“Dude some crazy fuck just told me it’s the RAPTURE this Saturday, so do not attend any more exams, and fuck as many women as possible between now and then. Also go to church and accept Jesus. STAT.” 

I was considering not showing up to my last exam anyway. 

The Warning Email

10 Mar

As if the previous ten or so weren’t warnings enough…

“Hey Dumb Dumb. Just wanted to warn you that some of my friends can be pretty weird. I know you’ve met a lot of them over time, but Vegas has the same effect on men that feeding a Mogwai after midnight did on them. If you don’t get that reference, I mean to say that my friends will all be acting like demons this weekend, hell-bent on the destruction of their own bodies, careless to the safety of others. This is what we call “fun.” You see, as you get older, you start subconsciously trying to kill yourself more and more often. Hence the popularity of sports cars and war. We’re trying to get the fuck outta here! And for some reason, they all seem really excited about you coming with me. You’d think they were a bunch of closeted pastors gearing up for a secret hotel rape-jam, but they’re not. They’re businessmen, some with wives, one with a kid (“Brendon” GROSS!!!!!!), and one pretending he’s never going to cheat on his future wife so this is his “last night of freedom” (cute). They all have some serious pent-up frustration that they’ll be taking out on craps table, nightclubs, and women’s self-esteem. Hope this isn’t scaring you, because if it is you’re a total pussy and not the brother I thought I knew and loved. See you tomorrow night!”

That would not have fit on Twitter. Speaking of, (like that segue?) make sure to check the Twitter feed starting tomorrow night, until Tuesday @brosbadadvice where I’ll be doing my best to tweet what he says and does on our trip without getting caught.

Don’t Believe The Hype

23 Jan

In case you guys were worried:

“Just remembered that the world’s going to end next year. George Lucas and the Mayans agree! I’m thinking that you and I need to get some religion, and fast. We don’t have to really follow it, just pick one and attend some functions- ritual slaughters, circumcision parties, basement secret touch-games, etc. One of these fuckers is bound to be right. Maybe we could each choose a different religion and hedge our bets? I call being Jewish! Let’s give it some thought. Either way, like Bart Scott says: CAN’T WAIT!”

Here’s the now famous interview his last line refers to:

********UPDATE to this: Looks like people should be careful saying they “Can’t Wait!” for things… like the Steelers, or the Apocalypse.********

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