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Introductions

14 Jan

I’ve been doing a downright shitty job of posting on this site for a bit. But you know what? I have a drinking problem. Oh well! Here’s one of the latest and greatest:

He sent this photo and wrote the following:

“This is what I want you to say to everyone you meet from now on.”

From his favorite Reality TV show, The First 48.

From his favorite Reality TV show, The First 48.

 

Never Stop Keeping It Real

4 Dec

Or you will die…

“I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and successful meetings with MTV and Bravo, I will be hired as a secret plant or mole for the next seasons of these amazing shows. For RWRRC I will bring three others with me– one super tough dude and two chicks who kicked Crystal Meth and don’t take shit from anyone. We will have no plans of winning the game, because who the fuck would embarrass themselves for two months to split $250,000, which after taxes is only like $40K. I made $40K last week and then lost it at a coke dealer’s pool party. Anyway, the reason we’ll be there will be simple. The first time one of those Roided up 5’7” pussy of a dude or fake tittied 6 of a chick gets buck, talks shit to the “new team” and gets in one of our faces and says the famous RWRRC line, “Hit me bro! Hit me!” we will. And hard. And all four of us at once will attack everyone on the show with a bloodlust usually reserved for people high on Bath Salts. And shit, maybe we will be high on Bath Salts. It’s working out for that anti-virus guy. We’ll be kicked off, but we weren’t really playing anyone. Just teaching young punks lessons about life like we’re a white teacher in a black school in a 90’s movie. 

Now, onto Top Chef. If they’re planning on having 15 contestants to start, they’ll add me for 16. Or 12 and I’m 13, you get it. It won’t matter that I’m there because I’m not going to win, but in a twist of Top Chef genius to fuck with the contestants, I will continue to advance week after week cooking only grilled cheese sandwiches. And in the elimination round jury panel thing they do, I will RELENTLESSLY hit on Padma. And despite it obviously being untoward and lascivious, she will eat it up! I envision one point where I say something like “Ow! Spicy Curry!” after she critiques another contestant, and she’ll laugh but some assclown from Williamsnerd, Brooklynwith a knuckle beard and purple high tops will be all like, “Bro that’s racist! And you’re not even a good chef!” and then Tom Colichio will scream at him, “Unless you can turn that attitude into salt and re-do your dish, shut your mouth! That grilled cheese was the best I’ve ever fucked!” Eventually I will reveal to them that I’m not actually a chef, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. It was all a clever ruse to peddle bed bugs.”

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

Get It Right

29 Nov

or face the consequences…

“Was at this chick’s house last night trying to find a snack while she cleaned herself off from what I just did to her, and discovered her pantry’s best option to be REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs. Who in the fuck buys REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs? If there’s a fucking “Z” in the name of the food, go ahead and get full-fat. Just go for it at that point. Well, needless to say, I ate none and then broke all her wine glasses before yelling “You’re doin’ it wrong!” and leaving the front door open behind me. That’s my new thing– “You’re doin’ it wrong!” I like to just randomly yell it at people while I’m driving, or while they’re shopping or something. Could be a good reality TV show where I help people stop being so shitty at everything. Something to think about.”

GREATEST PHOTO ON THE INTERNET.

Watch And Learn

18 Aug

And grow…

“If you only masturbate to ONE reality show this Summer, make it “Love and Hip-Hop” on VH-1. It’s the only show where you can hear lines like “I ain’t seen Little Stevie since I punched him in the head at the therapist’s office,” said BY A WOMAN! So sit down, line your stomach with a eleven paper towels, press play twice on the Tivo so it does that cool slow-motion thing, and enjoy yourself!”

He’s in love with two women.

One Weird Minute At A Time

13 Jul

It’s no problem when you’re completely insane…

“Someone should have been following me around with a camera while I went through the first 72 hours of quitting smoking cold turkey. I’ve been talking to myself, breathing really heavy and  covering my mouth while making a face like someone just told me my dog died. The other 40% of the day I’m ravenously eating rare roast beef and coffee ice cream, bitching people out in public for doing fairly normal things, and sleeping. If that’s not a fucking reality show, I guess I don’t know what is. Seacrest out.”

I shit you not this came from a website called “What’s Happening Myron!”

Really?

28 Jun

Really?

“I can’t believe The Real World is still on TV. Didn’t it get AIDS like 17 years ago?” 

Awwwwww shit!

How Things Change

16 May

with time…

“Are any of these bitches actually even married to basketball players? This is a question I asked myself tonight while watching the show Basketball Wives. I once had a threesome with the starting point guard and backup center of the Fresno State Women’s Basketball Team. And now I watch Basketball Wives alone eating microwave popcorn that said “Best by March 2012.” And guess what? That popcorn HAD seen better days. Fuck me.”

The one in purple used to be Shaq’s wife. Understandably, she always has that look on her face now.

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