He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:
“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”
Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!
For a guy who talks about killing Jerry Sandusky so much, this email comes as a surprise…
“Have you thought about how hot Paris Jackson is gonna be/is now? You should pull a move her Daddy made famous and start dating that smoky-eyed, epically troubled bitch right now.”
Smokey eyed ho.
All we need now is the government’s help…
“After reading that Jerry Sandusky called himself “The Tickle Monster” when he would rape kids, I’d like to reiterate my offer to The United States of America. I will fly myself to Pennsylvania, and upon arrival, be handed a loaded, gold plated Desert Eagle .45 handgun. Jerry Sandusky will be brought before me in an open field. I will “tickle him” repeatedly, then shoot his dick off, then his hands, then his feet. After that I’ll probably black out from glee (not the TV show, that’s later!) and anything’s fair game. Cum one, cum all!”
Shoutout to Israel!
in a really weird way…
“A guy in my building (and I won’t say what race he is because I don’t see color and you’re racist) just told me about the time he was in prison and how it’s hard for him to sleep now because when you’re in prison sometimes you wake up to the sound of someone being either raped or murdered. Not surprisingly, that had a SOUR PATCH KIDS effect on his sleep schedule. I asked if he was able to purchase or obtain ear plugs, and he said that it was easier to get heroin than earplugs, but that he did manage to eventually steal some earplugs from the “guards’ commissary.” So if you’re ever feeling like everything sucks and you’ve got it bad, just remember that you could be stealing earplugs so you don’t have to hear rape sounds. Wait never mind, you live in a fraternity house, you’re used to rape sounds. ZING!”
Weirdest way to mention Sour Patch Kids I've ever heard.
Worried about the kids and the creeps, as usual…
“I made this Public Service Announcement because I think people keep forgetting.”
Thank goodness for that *