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Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!

 

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Creep Show

26 Jul

For a guy who talks about killing Jerry Sandusky so much, this email comes as a surprise…

“Have you thought about how hot Paris Jackson is gonna be/is now? You should pull a move her Daddy made famous and start dating that smoky-eyed, epically troubled bitch right now.”

Smokey eyed ho.

An Offer We Can’t Refuse

14 Jun

All we need now is the government’s help…

“After reading that Jerry Sandusky called himself “The Tickle Monster” when he would rape kids, I’d like to reiterate my offer to The United States of America. I will fly myself to Pennsylvania, and upon arrival, be handed a loaded, gold plated Desert Eagle .45 handgun. Jerry Sandusky will be brought before me in an open field. I will “tickle him” repeatedly, then shoot his dick off, then his hands, then his feet. After that I’ll probably black out from glee (not the TV show, that’s later!) and anything’s fair game. Cum one, cum all!” 

Shoutout to Israel!

Putting Things In Perspective

3 Apr

in a really weird way…

“A guy in my building (and I won’t say what race he is because I don’t see color and you’re racist) just told me about the time he was in prison and how it’s hard for him to sleep now because when you’re in prison sometimes you wake up to the sound of someone being either raped or murdered. Not surprisingly, that had a SOUR PATCH KIDS effect on his sleep schedule. I asked if he was able to purchase or obtain ear plugs, and he said that it was easier to get heroin than earplugs, but that he did manage to eventually steal some earplugs from the “guards’ commissary.” So if you’re ever feeling like everything sucks and you’ve got it bad, just remember that you could be stealing earplugs so you don’t have to hear rape sounds. Wait never mind, you live in a fraternity house, you’re used to rape sounds. ZING!” 

Weirdest way to mention Sour Patch Kids I've ever heard.

He’s A Helpful Guy

24 Feb

Worried about the kids and the creeps, as usual…

“I made this Public Service Announcement because I think people keep forgetting.”

Thank goodness for that *

Getting Your Money Back

21 Feb

Today he’s decided to mock my existence as well as the lives of many victims of something far worse than failing a class. 

“Hey man. I was thinking about that Sociology class you think you’re failing. First off, I think it’s so brave of you to take so many Soc classes. Merely pondering your bright future with such a firm foundation of talking about why poor people commit crime almost takes me to tears. Great choice. Fuck Economics, right? Secondly, I was thinking that if you’re really gonna fail, you might want to go to the Dean and tell him (or her– ugh) that your teacher has been raping you this entire semester and it’s made it too hard to focus. Say something like, “I figure I’d be doing better in the class because I frequently visit my professor’s office hours, but the problem is that my professor keeps raping me at the office hours.” Make sense? Afterwards we’ll look into getting your (Dad’s- ugh) money back for the units since you really shouldn’t have to pay for a class where you kept getting raped by the teacher, ya know? Okay so keep me posted!” 

Please also recall what the word “brave” now means to him. 

This is NOT what's happening to me, FYI.

Trust Your Gut

1 Feb

Gotta do it. I’ve found myself in some weird situations since school started back up, but nothing like this:

“Getting drunk with friends can be very fun. And when girls are involved, it’s only better. And when those girls are naked riding tricycles and you’re only wearing a bolo tie and a Magnum condom, it’s the best. But at some point in your four years in college, a fellow student of yours will die from drugs or alcohol. I promise you. It happens every single year on every single college campus in the country. I can recall seven in my six years at college off the top of my head. Don’t be that guy! Trust your instincts, whatever you do. If the driver’s too drunk, don’t get in. If it seems like there’s too many people on that deck, don’t go out there- it’s about to collapse. If a really sleazy “townie” gives you a pill, pretend to take it and throw it away later. Trust me, you don’t want to end up tied to a big block Ford engine behind a shed when an old illiterate guy named Chauncey comes out wearing an ill-fitting pink dress- I know it sounds cool, but it NEVER ends well.”

He’s either worried about me, or going even more crazy than ever. 

Bolo tie + "Tunnel of Love" = excellent job by me

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