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Pun Control

19 Dec

See what I did there? Genius…

“Working on a new rap song called, “I’ve Got A Hundred Round Clip and a Little-Ass Dick.” Should be a big hit.”

Phallic as fuck, dog.

Phallic as fuck, dog.

Figuring Yourself Out

26 Oct

He does it, and god dammit so can you!

“I’ve been feeling really down recently because the doctors keep telling me I’m “going to die soon” and “you have Aidsthma!” so I haven’t been going out or having fun like my usual self. Then it hit me. It wasn’t my Aidsthma acting up that was making me sad, it was that I somehow hadn’t listened to rap music for a week! So I put the video for “Oh” by Ciara (f/ Ludacris) on, danced around, thought about how cool I am, exploded some crazy liquid everywhere from my Schlamson Rod, and now I’m better. Don’t ever NOT listen to rap music for more than three days.”

This chick is hot in the weirdest way. Like I want to do pull-ups with her:

Writing Raps For Other People

15 Oct

We should all be so lucky as “Roger”…

“I’ve written a rap for my co-worker Roger, AKA The Most Boring Man in the World:

Let me tell you ’bout my fantasy team, and my dreams

After that, how ’bout a quote from the nineties movie “Scream”

And if there’s time, a dissection of my three favorite ice creams

If you love shit that’s boring baby get on my team.”

Roger’s coffee cup.

New Rap

6 Oct

Because why not?

“It’s important to constantly make up new rap lyrics and say them to yourself, alone in the shower or your car or when you’re trying to sleep on a sidewalk outside your apartment. Here’s my new one:

“I seen you out on the street like a bitch, sulkin’/ This that Home Alone rap, Macaulay Culkin. Seen them burglars tryin’ to get in my house, crap!/ Turn the tables on ’em like a game of Mouse Trap!”

See what I mean?” 

Oh I see what you mean alright…

On Being Good

11 Sep

or trying not to be…

“Only the good die young. I’ve been trying to O.D. or get killed in a nasty guitar accident for years to no avail, which is how I know I’m bad. Which reminds me– The song “I’m Bad” by LL Cool J kicks a ton of ass. A lot of people think that LL Cool J is just that black guy who makes the clothes they buy at Sears, but he used to be a great rapper too. Knowledge is Power.”

So just to clear that up: Only the good die young and knowledge is power. Pretty standard stuff. Here’s the song, which might be the best rap video ever:

Watch And Learn

18 Aug

And grow…

“If you only masturbate to ONE reality show this Summer, make it “Love and Hip-Hop” on VH-1. It’s the only show where you can hear lines like “I ain’t seen Little Stevie since I punched him in the head at the therapist’s office,” said BY A WOMAN! So sit down, line your stomach with a eleven paper towels, press play twice on the Tivo so it does that cool slow-motion thing, and enjoy yourself!”

He’s in love with two women.

A Simple Reminder

15 Aug

from a man who’s so close to dying in some weird way it’s almost not funny anymore…

“Just wanted to remind you that I’ve done all the drugs in existence and I’ve fucked all the girls. I’ve floated above my apartment on mushrooms and had a two Serbian twins tickle my balls with a feather from their dead bird Andre. And still, NOTHING COMES CLOSE to how good it feels to beat the living shit out of someone. I literally just got a boner when I put on the David Banner song “Might Getcha” because it reminded me of how amazing it feels to see someone else’s blood, to dominate another human, to experience what it truly means to be alive by flirting with death. Try it sometime!”

Here’s the song. No video, sorry, but it does feature the greatest spelling of Mississippi I’ve ever heard…

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