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How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

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Never Stop Keeping It Real

4 Dec

Or you will die…

“I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and successful meetings with MTV and Bravo, I will be hired as a secret plant or mole for the next seasons of these amazing shows. For RWRRC I will bring three others with me– one super tough dude and two chicks who kicked Crystal Meth and don’t take shit from anyone. We will have no plans of winning the game, because who the fuck would embarrass themselves for two months to split $250,000, which after taxes is only like $40K. I made $40K last week and then lost it at a coke dealer’s pool party. Anyway, the reason we’ll be there will be simple. The first time one of those Roided up 5’7” pussy of a dude or fake tittied 6 of a chick gets buck, talks shit to the “new team” and gets in one of our faces and says the famous RWRRC line, “Hit me bro! Hit me!” we will. And hard. And all four of us at once will attack everyone on the show with a bloodlust usually reserved for people high on Bath Salts. And shit, maybe we will be high on Bath Salts. It’s working out for that anti-virus guy. We’ll be kicked off, but we weren’t really playing anyone. Just teaching young punks lessons about life like we’re a white teacher in a black school in a 90’s movie. 

Now, onto Top Chef. If they’re planning on having 15 contestants to start, they’ll add me for 16. Or 12 and I’m 13, you get it. It won’t matter that I’m there because I’m not going to win, but in a twist of Top Chef genius to fuck with the contestants, I will continue to advance week after week cooking only grilled cheese sandwiches. And in the elimination round jury panel thing they do, I will RELENTLESSLY hit on Padma. And despite it obviously being untoward and lascivious, she will eat it up! I envision one point where I say something like “Ow! Spicy Curry!” after she critiques another contestant, and she’ll laugh but some assclown from Williamsnerd, Brooklynwith a knuckle beard and purple high tops will be all like, “Bro that’s racist! And you’re not even a good chef!” and then Tom Colichio will scream at him, “Unless you can turn that attitude into salt and re-do your dish, shut your mouth! That grilled cheese was the best I’ve ever fucked!” Eventually I will reveal to them that I’m not actually a chef, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. It was all a clever ruse to peddle bed bugs.”

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

“The Easiest Night To Get Laid In History”

6 Nov

Says it all…

“Election nights are the easiest nights to get laid in history. So make sure you attend any election party that has women, and just wait it out. Hit up a liberal gathering, and if Obama wins you get that wacky “We Are The World” celebration sex, and if Romney wins you get that sad, crying, life is over sex– which incidentally is the kind I’m most used to getting. Or go to some conservative’s apartment, and if Mitt wins you can get some of what I like to call “The Re-Heated Fish” which is when a normally boring, pasty white rich girl gets all crazy and actually moves her body during sex. Or if Obama wins you can get some of that hot, racist, “Secret Muslim Plan Stage Two” sex. I remember having an orgy after Bush beat Gore because I was in the South and all these farm girls immediately stripped as soon as that smiling huckster won. I didn’t know which way was up, or who’s tits were who’s, but I didn’t care. The next day I woke up in a trashcan covered in peanut butter, and my dick didn’t work for a month. God Bless America. And remember to cock the vote, unless the lines are too long, in which case just yell, “Fuckin’ Obama!” and leave in a huff.” 

Cock the Vote

More About Getting Old

27 Aug

Something that apparently comes quicker than you’d imagine…

“Last night I walked down to the ocean, which is something I like to do to remind myself how scary it might be to toss myself against the unforgiving waves one night, knowing that I’d be smashed to bits and this whole charade would finally be over with, and anyway there were some teenagers there, smoking weed, as teens are wont (look it up) to do, and as soon as I arrived they got all weird and put their joint out. I was slurring at this point, because it was 2AM and if you talk to me at 2AM I’m either slurrin’ or blurrin’, my friend. Anyway, these motherfuckers looked at me like I was a fuckin’ cop, and I wasn’t able to satisfy them that I wasn’t when I yelled, “I’m not a funky cock!” over and over again. I tried everything. I pulled my dick out, I slapped BOTH the women in the group, and I poured a bag of mushrooms into the sea (retail value: $60). Still, they walked away. Point is, if you have a chance to do heroin and die heroically this semester, take it. Even the coolest 31 year olds get treated like a pound of monkey shit at a Mandarin Funeral, ya know?”

No idea what this is, but if you type “a pound of monkey shit at a Mandarin Funeral” it’s the first thing that comes up.

On Jewish Girls

22 Aug

He forgot!

“I can’t believe I haven’t educated you about Jewish girls yet. Good God (PS they can’t write God they have to write like G*d or something gay like that!)

Anyway, when I was growing up there was a kick-ass movie called “Earth Girls Are Easy” about a couple handsome aliens who came to Earth and did a ton of fucking. Think of yourself as one of those aliens and replace the word “Earth” with “Jewish” and you’ll have all the info you need. But remember: their bodies deteriorate quicker than produce, so love ‘em and leave ‘em. And… You’re welcome.”

Wait a second… Geena Davis was hot?

On Studying Abroad

21 Aug

Which I am currently ineligible to do, but working on that…

“Unless you sign up late and everything else is taken, I’d recommend going somewhere they don’t speak English. Studying abroad in a European country will allow you to visit all of the contiguous (look it up, fuck!) countries therein. So basically you can sign on for Spain but then spend a week doing ecstasy meatballs in Italy, a week in France being rude to everyone, and another week in whatever other countries are in Europe (Korea?). Every one of my friends who did this had an amazing time, and overall their reports of fun were much more consistent than people in other countries like South America where everyone got kidnapped and, of course, raped. Plus, European women love Americans because we shower and refuse to wear shiny fabrics. Asia, on the other hand, is a disgusting mess. Sure the sex parlors are incredible (and cheap!) but people spit everywhere and have no sense of physical boundaries or space, meaning you’ll constantly have weird little people wearing brown bumping into you on the sidewalks. Plus, you’ll have all the time in the world to learn about China when they’re running our country in ten years!” 

I thought this was a fucking MC Escher painting at first. Dudes are organized!

No Excuses

17 Jul

and no surrender! Okay I made that part up but you get the idea…

“If you’re a white man in America, you have no excuse for not doing awesome. Take a look around for a second and tell me women aren’t fucked and minorities aren’t poo-poo’d and patronized, and then tell me why you sat around getting stoned today instead of having sex with everyone on top of a pile of money, you racist piece of shit!”

Figures they’d be white ducks. Ridiculous.

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