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For Break-Ins And Escapes

1 Jun

This is such a supremely amazing waste of his work time that I kind of can’t believe it…

“Dude! I just realized that I’ve never told you how to get over a barbed wire fence! So sorry bro. Hope this isn’t too late–

 At some point or another in your life, you’re gonna have to get over a barbed wire fence. Did you know that barbed wire fences cover approximately 92% of the United States? They don’t, but it sure feels like it sometimes, am I right? Hopefully you’ll use these tips to break INTO somewhere, and not OUT OF, because that would mean you were in some sort of secret rape tribunal and I’d be all on the news like “Let my brother go!” with a bunch of big fat black women with me (for effect). Anyway, there are a lot of theories about what the best way to get over barbed wire is. But they’re all just that– theories. You don’t need to look for an uneven section of fence, or throw a rug over the wires (what are you Persian???) or cut through the fence with bolt cutters. It turns out that the best way to get over a barbed wire fence is the old fashioned way– Naked. Clothes often get caught on the barbs, but skin doesn’t- the barbs just slice right through it. Center your chi force energy beforehand– just kidding, get drunk– strip down (you can keep your underwear on if you don’t want your pussy to get scratched) and then just scale that bitch. One time my dick got caught in the barbs but I didn’t even notice until I started running. Because my dick is super long. Artist’s depiction attached.

 All of the other methods take too much time. This one gets you over in like ten seconds, and sure you’re bleeding, but injuries always make you tougher, and chicks love scars. Especially ones that look like you were mauled by a panther. I know what you’re thinking in your baby voice– “But my clothes would be on the other side of the fence! Waaaah!” Well, how about this– FUCK YOU YA FUCKING CRIMINAL!!!!!” 

And here it is folks: A drawing of “the time he got his dick stuck in barbed wire.” 

I guess the colorful blob is his clothes?

 

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Know Who To Trust

3 May

I think that in this case it would be obvious but I guess not. He sent this photo this morning:

“Hired this guy as my lawyer and he totally screwed up the case. Never saw that coming. Back to jail I go! I guess the bottom line here is– never trust someone to help you if they drive a shittier car than you. PS what did I tell you about the Ivy League??? Sure did a lot for this fuckhead.” 

I'm gonna have to hire a lawyer to get a restraining order on my Dad if I do as bad as I think I'm going to this semester.

On Jail…

8 Apr

And how to not be a pussy when you get sent there:

“Inevitably in your time at college, you’ll be arrested for something. If you’re not, you’re being a real pussy about things. When you are, don’t have a fucking nervous breakdown like some white bitch. You won’t get raped unless you literally parade your naked butt around yelling “poke it, poke it!” Everything’s going to be okay. Instead just take a deep breath and don’t look anyone in the eyes other than the cops until it’s over. Provided you’re arrested for one of the myriad drunk crimes there are (my favorite is “Lewd and Lascivious Conduct”), you’ll be out soon enough and never have to go to “population” which is where people actually do get raped. Especially handsome white boys. On “The Wire” they say that you only do two days in jail– the day you get in and the day you get out. Fucking awesome as that slogan is, try to keep your stints shorter. The longest I ever spent in jail was 18 hours, most of my other times ranged from 8-12. And the worst thing that ever happened to me was they put us all in small separate rooms, like 25 to a room, some big black dude took a shit on the floor and the guards wouldn’t open the door despite me and this hilarious pimp’s cries for help. Not so bad, is it? Have fun this weekend!”

Yeah, that sounds great. Not bad at all!

Also, request that you be sent to the "Kinda Sexy Ladies Jail" down the street if possible.

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