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Long Time No Post

7 May

Please please pardon the long delay in posts. A lot going on here, but who cares about all that, let’s get to the terrible advice, shall we? Pretend this little thing never happened? Just call it even? Bygones being bygones and whatnot? Thanks! On with the action…

“I’ve been in hiding for a bit, biding my time and recording a rap album with songs like, “Cinco de Mayo Is Racist and for Faggots,” and generally just masturbating a lot. Also fucking occassionally. I’m in incredible fucking shape. My core is ripped and my dick has holes in it. But mostly I’ve been slanging the old ham hock around myself while listening to “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and crying. Research, I call it. And here’s what I’ve discovered– something incredible. Something that’s going to change the jerkoff game for good. I’ve discovered the A#1 search term for every site. What’s that? You didn’t know you could plug search terms into Internet Porn? What the fuck is wrong with you, amigo? It’s 2012! Anyway, as soon as it hit me, it all made sense. Sort of like the time I accidentally ate a quarter of mushrooms and had a long talk with Jesus about the band Cake and whether or not I was supposed to die in that moment or not. I wasn’t, thank God, because Cake was about to release ANOTHER SINGLE. Anyway times two, here’s the scoop, you flagrant piece of poop:

The word is LUCKY. 

“6 AWESOME WOMEN AND 1 LUCKY GUY!”

“HORNY TWINS MAKING A DICK LUCKY”

“TWO HOT ASSES FOR ONE LUCKY DEVIL”

and even: 

“LUCKY DICKFACE”

 The list goes on and on. Lucky guys get in the best sexual situations, and it’s high time we all took advantage of their good luck. Which brings me to my real point– You want to be perceived as lucky. That should be the goal. I remember being in a Blockbuster (which was a “video rental store”) as a teenager and seeing this dopey mope of a guy with his arm around a hot girl. “What a lucky fucker,” I said to my friend Rude (RIP Rude). And Rude told me something I’d forgotten until now: “Maybe he’s lucky… or maybe he’s the only dude that ever had the balls to hit on that super hot chick. And because he did, now he gets to lick her pussy, which I’d imagine tastes a lot like cinnamon applesauce by the Mott’s company.” Okay he didn’t say all that, but you get the point. People call dudes lucky who have a lot of money, or have a hot girlfriend, or drive nice cars way too fast in school zones while blaring Jethro Tull. But maybe they’re not lucky. Maybe they worked really hard to make that money, or had the Nuggershiwitz to hit on the tall blonde at the bar that all the other dudes were just staring at, or the gumption to ignore a crossing guard and mow down three disabled 8th graders because they needed both hands to do the air flute solo.

The point is, be that guy people call lucky. And let them call you that. Because you’ll know it’s not luck behind it all. It’s cocaine and revenge. Cocaine. And revenge. And I bid you goodnight with that, hermanito.”

He's right. Holy shit he's right.

He’s right. Holy shit he’s right.

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Thinking About It

14 Jan

Sometimes you have to…

“Laptop broke because I spilled baby oil all over it. Don’t worry, I wasn’t alone. My landlady was there too. AnywayZ, being deprived of the Internet at home has reminded me of how fun it was to beat it to thoughts. Tiring, but fun. The worst thing is when you’re about to burst because you’re in a large-scale showering facility with every girl you ever hooked up with and suddenly your 3rd grade teacher Mr. Fartsworth comes in and starts singing Huey Lewis and the News really loud like no one’s even in there. Um, hello???!?!?!?! We’re busy here.”

"Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl's showah."

“Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl’s showah.”

“Egg Roll Recipe”

12 Nov

That’s what he calls it, and that’s what it is. Its also the story of a sad, sad man…

“FUCKING AWESOME SECRET EGG ROLL RECIPE (Difficulty Level: Cool)

1. Buy one of those things of pre-made egg rolls at Whole Foods. I know, I hate going in there too but trust me, it’s the only way to make these! Maybe knock something over on your way out and stare at a hippy if it makes you feel better.

2. Go home and drink at least ten beers.

3. Now get super stoned.

4. Watch SportsCenter until it repeats. ALWAYS until it repeats.

5. If you’re feeling like maybe you’re not gonna still be super stoned in 10 minutes, get stoned again.

6. Drink another beer.

7.Get some paper towels, then get on the Internet and whip out your dick. Type in something crazy to your favorite porn site’s search engine. Something like “GLASSES SQUIRT NOSERING.” Do your thing.

8. Heat up a pan with olive oil on HIGH. Think, “I’m high too, pan, don’t worry!” and laugh hysterically. Alone. 

9. Microwave those egg rolls for 1:30.

10. Toss those soggy, gay egg rolls in your pan. Have some fun kicking them around that bitch until they’re dark brown and crispy all over. Maybe make up a song like, “Egg Rolls! Watch my eggs roll!” I dunno dude I’m not a song writing guy.

11. Go outside. You haven’t been outside for awhile. What the fuck is going on out there? Smoke a cigarette or two. Think about stuff like how lesbians use dildos. That hardly makes sense, am I right?

12. Go back in. Take a nap, dude– you deserve it!

13. Wake up whenever your body tells you to. DO NOT set an alarm. Alarms are for people who have things to do. You’re just eating egg rolls.

14. Find those egg rolls. You might have hidden them somewhere. Don’t give up easy!

15. Now, finally, pour soy sauce all over them and eat them. Aren’t they good????!?!?!?!!!!!

16. You’re welcome.”

Serves one.

You Better Recognize

26 Sep

Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…

“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”

I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…

“One day, a man will love me for me…”

You Can Use His Computer

12 Sep

except for the following…

“Anyone’s allowed to use my computer, so long as they don’t want to look at any websites that start with P, X, T, O, C, or W. All the other letters are at your disposal.”

F for forearms!

Some Questions Shouldn’t Be Asked

4 May

Especially of him, because he might answer them…

“Co-worker just asked me why I sometimes listen to music out loud and sometimes listen to music with my headphones on. I explained to him that I don’t listen to music with my headphones on. When I have my headphones on, I’m looking at porn.”

How To Tell If You’re Old

1 May

Just think about this:

“You know you’re getting old when you type “Jewish Porn” into Google.” 

So there you have it. 

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