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“The Easiest Night To Get Laid In History”

6 Nov

Says it all…

“Election nights are the easiest nights to get laid in history. So make sure you attend any election party that has women, and just wait it out. Hit up a liberal gathering, and if Obama wins you get that wacky “We Are The World” celebration sex, and if Romney wins you get that sad, crying, life is over sex– which incidentally is the kind I’m most used to getting. Or go to some conservative’s apartment, and if Mitt wins you can get some of what I like to call “The Re-Heated Fish” which is when a normally boring, pasty white rich girl gets all crazy and actually moves her body during sex. Or if Obama wins you can get some of that hot, racist, “Secret Muslim Plan Stage Two” sex. I remember having an orgy after Bush beat Gore because I was in the South and all these farm girls immediately stripped as soon as that smiling huckster won. I didn’t know which way was up, or who’s tits were who’s, but I didn’t care. The next day I woke up in a trashcan covered in peanut butter, and my dick didn’t work for a month. God Bless America. And remember to cock the vote, unless the lines are too long, in which case just yell, “Fuckin’ Obama!” and leave in a huff.” 

Cock the Vote


Who To Focus On

30 Oct

this election season:

“When deciding who to listen to for this year’s election coverage, the decision is clear. On one side you’ve got this conservative Fox:

I’m concentrating on a particular part of her country…

The kind of broad that when you’re gonna go down on her, you take a glass of scotch and today’s Financial Times, because it’s GONNA BE AWHILE! And then on the other hand you’ve got this sixteen year old lesbian man on MSNBC:

Spanks but no spanks…

Who’s breath probably smells like expensive coffee and an old dog’s dick. Either way you’re just gonna hear a bunch of jibber-jabber and bullshit, so if you do have to listen to it for some reason, at least hear what Smokeshow Jones has to say about things and not Professor Pussywiggle.”

“Tonight I Ate Some Mushrooms”

3 Oct

And what follows makes perfect sense…

“Tonight I ate some mushrooms, watched the Presidential Debate and then went to a concert. What a night. Here are some things I realized:

1. One day I want to be one of those people they mention when they’re like, “I met a school teacher in Reno the other day, and she was dead. But I spoke to her via a medium and a Ouija Board. And she said we need more teachers.” I want to be that dead woman.

2. I want to make a blog called “When Hipsters Cry” that is simply pictures of hipsters crying. They’re all a bunch of bitches anyway so I bet we can do it. Did you know that people who are ACTUALLY COOL don’t want to live in Brooklyn anymore because they have dipshits on trust funds with rolled up jeans and projective personality disorders looking at them with scowls as they walk down the street? True story. My friend is a super cool Norwegian music video director, and he’s moving out because he’s tired of kids rolling their eyes at him while he makes cool shit happen and they have their parents beeping through on the other line trying to loan them money… AGAIN.

3. I’m going to start lifting weights again, get up to 205, grow my hair out JUST PRECISELY to the length where it requires berets (sp?) and then start wearing them in my hair, taking time to pin back my locks with my beautiful weightroom muscles while I block someone’s view at a clown college graduation or whatever it is I’m watching.

4. Did you know that if you’re on mushrooms at a concert and you go in the bathroom, the sound of people peeing and pooping will actually perfectly mimic the beat of whatever song  is playing> Try it! 

That’s all.”

Oh that’s all? Thank God. 

Genius. Pure genius.

A Vote Against

11 Sep


“With the election coming up, I want to impress one thing upon you– NEVER TRUST THE GOVERNMENT TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT. They just mailed me my Voter Registration Form, and guess what? It didn’t fit in the provided envelope until I folded it three times, and the envelope requires a stamp! Why? Because a government worker with no incentive to excel made the form, and then his boss decided to screw me right in my ass out of 45 cents or whatever the fuck a stamp costs nowadays. A nickel? I don’t know, Sandra buys them.”


Something To Study

5 Sep

Nothing should be studied, that’s the thesis:

“A new study indicates that repeated blows to the head were partly to blame for a number of former NFL players suffering from brain trauma later in life. No shit? Glad we did a study on that, because I’ve always wondered, “Hey if I bang my head a thousand times, will that be bad?” I’ve had so many concussions I can’t remember what I’m even emailing you about, but I sure do love pineapple. In the 80’s they told us not to eat eggs, then in the nineties it was “The Incredible, Edible Egg,” and then they were like, “Oh fuck only eat the white part not the yellow!” and then ten years later some asshole figured out that, “Nope, the yellows are good too,” quickly followed up by a different asshole who said the yellows are “Worse than a dog giving you AIDS.” I just did a study: Hey my dick’s hard! Study concluded, thanks to $30M from Uncle Sam, who it turns out is a kinda girl-next-door looking hot bitch named Samantha.”

“Uh… Don’t uh… Don’t rape me Bo.”

Also, here’s the “Incredible Edible Egg” commercial he’s referring to:

He Wrote A Speech

30 Aug

for the RNC. I approve…

“My speech was cut tonight at the Republucan National Convention, and I don’t understand why because it was mad short and MAD TRUE:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the President is black. Did you know that? It’s scary! Let’s get him out of here. He doesn’t understand people like us. We pulled ourselves up by our boot straps. The boots were purchased at Barney’s, and the straps were really nice and easy to pull up. In closing, the black president hates freedom. Guns!””


Free Political Jokes

27 Aug

This one’s made straight for Twitter…

“Hey here’s a free political joke for you to tell all the kids at school this year: Forget about Mitt Romney’s tax records, I want him to release his other six wives! From the dungeon they live in! It’s probably cold and dark in there! Why are you guys walking away?! Is this thing off?” 


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