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New Pickup Line

17 Feb

For any of you who HATE getting laid:

“BOOM! I did it again. Just came up with the sickest new pickup line in history. Here’s what you do– Go up to a hot girl at a bar and say, “Hey did you hear that Subway’s running a $5 footlong special?” She’ll be all like, “Sure, what? Okay, like, so…” or whatever girls blather. Then you say, “Yeah it sounds like a pretty good deal, until you find out that my apartment is running a SIX-INCH SPECIAL FOR FREE!” Then you pop your eyebrows up and down and hail a taxi because that bitch is coming home with you! When you get there make sure you’ve purchased at least two but preferably four six-inchers from Subway because who knows what she’ll be in the mood for.” 

Years ago he made a song about Subway called, “There’s a Fly On Everything.” It ruled. I will try to find it. 

This can be yours!

This can be yours!


Terrible Pick Up Line

5 Jan

courtesy of the best there is at terrible pick up lines…

“Ran into a girl I used to have sex with the other day and attempted what I thought was a stellar pickup line. I told her “I’ve been wanting to get back in that butt like a homesick poop!” She hated it and slapped me.” 

This seemed to sum it all up.

This seemed to sum it all up.

New Pickup Line

19 Sep

I’m sure it will work!

“Here’s a dope new pickup line for you– “Hey girl. Wanna hang out later and review my Internet history?” And, you’re welcome.”

Remember This

10 May

or don’t…

“Saw this beautiful girl at my usual lunch place today (McGillicutty’s Ham and Egg Dream Palace on Jupiter Street) and couldn’t help but get the feeling that I knew her. So after doing my usual “Stalker Staredown,” wagging my tongue, making it seem like my eyes were bulging out of my head by doing jerk off motions with my hands from the eye socket area, I decided to go deliver the best pick up line of all time: “Do I know you?” Turns out I did. We dated six years ago for a few weeks. And she was not happy about it. So be careful when asking questions like this, because women hate to feel like no one remembers them, even though no one ever remembers them. And next time you’re at McGillicutty’s, try the Bacon Wrapped Turkey Dick.”

Like trying the bacon wrapped turkey dick.

Attach Yourself

2 May

And reap the rewards:

“Remembered a great rule for taking chicks home just now. Get to the point where it’s reasonable to ask them to go home with you (you’ve been flirting/touching, everyone else is leaving, her eyes are rolled back in her head, etc) and then ask her very straightforwardly. When she blushes and starts to say no, tell her with the utmost seriousness that she should feel okay doing this because there’s “no strings attached” in her doing so. It’s not that you want to have sex, you just don’t want the night to end. Like Scarface said in his epic love song “Goin’ Down” when told by his female companion that she wouldn’t have sex with him, “No sweat. Not even on my mind. We just met.” Make her feel safe with a guy who nearly took offense to the idea of sex when she brought it up. You’re not a whore for goodness sake! But then when you get home…


Just make sure to wear a rubber so you don’t get one of those nasty STD’s– Shitty Toddler Diapers.” 

Ready to play.


And here’s the Scarface song in question:

“Great New Joke”

30 Apr

For a guy who says he wants me to get laid all the time, his pick up line advice is some of the worst…

“Great new joke to tell this coming weekend at a party. Totally out of nowhere, in one of those moments where a conversation within a group naturally falls silent, lean forward and say “More like Vincent van Stop– Don’t cut your ear off dude!” Make sure you have condoms in your pocket because a couple of the girls present will probably just fuck you right on the spot. You’re welcome!”

He makes a bandage just like my brother does.

A New Way To Catch Women

25 Apr


“Boom. Figured it out. The best way to figure out which girl you’re going to marry (JK! I mean fuck. But tell them marry because it will remind them of that magazine article they read in “You’ll Never Be Good Enough Quarterly” about how single girls die young ) is to go into a bar, stick your arms straight out like Christ Jesus on the cross, and then go into a spin cycle like you’re some sort of awesome drunk helicopter made out of man parts. Your arms will naturally, eventually, wrap themselves around a woman’s shoulders, after hitting like 7 people in the face of course. Once they do, yell out “It’s fate!” and then explain to them how important it is that you get to know one another. Women like to hear stuff like that. “I want to get to know you.” Gross. I don’t want to get to know anyone. I’m complicated enough for me and the eleven therapists I run through each year. Anyhoooooooooo, let me know how many pounds of skirt steak you take to the register this weekend. Gracias.”

Make sure to stiff-arm your friends too.

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