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Jack Of All Trades

17 Jan

That’s how he’d describe himself…

“You should strive to be like me– a modern day half-assed, three-quarters drunk Renaissance Man. Learn a little about a lot, and never turn down beers, broads or buffalo wings. Check your bank account once a week, and your dick twice a day. Punch shit-talkers and shit in punch-bowls. Ask questions after you’ve determined the answer, and always remember that you don’t HAVE TO keep living– the exit door is always open a crack.” 

Don’t really feel like checking every single category box, so I’m filing this under Philosophy. 

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“Don’t Get Scared”

15 Dec

Guys don’t. For real…

“Don’t get scared if you ever meet a girl that can carry a conversation, or handle an intellectual one. Tonight a girl and I got stoned and realized that when you have a child, you can no longer be guaranteed anything, because you can only guarantee what you can control yourself (and not even that sometimes, am I right???). We were stoned. But I wasn’t afraid to philosophically and intellectually encounter her– and that’s why later, she wasn’t afraid to physically and internally encounter my penis. Boom!!!! I always win!!!!!”

I hope they used a condom so he doesn’t have to stop “guaranteeing” stuff…

Fuckin’ Philosophical And Shit

23 Nov

I think that explains it…

“Was just walking down the street towards two pretty girls when a leaf fell from a tree and cascaded down between us. I caught it at about waist-level and gave them a smile. They both giggled flirtatiously as they passed. Did I get either of their phone numbers? Fuck no! But I did jerk off to thoughts of them as soon as I got home. Man I’m feeling existential today!”

That’s not what my understanding of Existentialism is but whatever…

He’s A Philosopher

6 Sep

A modern, drunk philosopher. And maybe a sociopath too…

“I’ve figured out what I am as a person. I’m one half Nihilist, because I STRAIGHT UP DON’T GIVE A FUCK. And the other half is Utilitarianism, where I take the three things I do care about (being awesome, banging chicks, and family (- Dad)) and make decisions regarding them based on a system of Happiness Points, i.e. Wearing a Cowboy Hat While Banging a Chick = 72 pts., whereas Visiting Mom and Dad = 9 pts (all Mom), and whatever has the most points wins out, which is why I didn’t come home for Thanksgiving two years ago (banged a girl in Kentucky instead). This is why I’m the greatest.”

He said he was overwhelmed with work that Thanksgiving. Good to know the truth.  

"We believe in nothing, Lebowski."

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