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Long Time No Post

7 May

Please please pardon the long delay in posts. A lot going on here, but who cares about all that, let’s get to the terrible advice, shall we? Pretend this little thing never happened? Just call it even? Bygones being bygones and whatnot? Thanks! On with the action…

“I’ve been in hiding for a bit, biding my time and recording a rap album with songs like, “Cinco de Mayo Is Racist and for Faggots,” and generally just masturbating a lot. Also fucking occassionally. I’m in incredible fucking shape. My core is ripped and my dick has holes in it. But mostly I’ve been slanging the old ham hock around myself while listening to “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and crying. Research, I call it. And here’s what I’ve discovered– something incredible. Something that’s going to change the jerkoff game for good. I’ve discovered the A#1 search term for every site. What’s that? You didn’t know you could plug search terms into Internet Porn? What the fuck is wrong with you, amigo? It’s 2012! Anyway, as soon as it hit me, it all made sense. Sort of like the time I accidentally ate a quarter of mushrooms and had a long talk with Jesus about the band Cake and whether or not I was supposed to die in that moment or not. I wasn’t, thank God, because Cake was about to release ANOTHER SINGLE. Anyway times two, here’s the scoop, you flagrant piece of poop:

The word is LUCKY. 

“6 AWESOME WOMEN AND 1 LUCKY GUY!”

“HORNY TWINS MAKING A DICK LUCKY”

“TWO HOT ASSES FOR ONE LUCKY DEVIL”

and even: 

“LUCKY DICKFACE”

 The list goes on and on. Lucky guys get in the best sexual situations, and it’s high time we all took advantage of their good luck. Which brings me to my real point– You want to be perceived as lucky. That should be the goal. I remember being in a Blockbuster (which was a “video rental store”) as a teenager and seeing this dopey mope of a guy with his arm around a hot girl. “What a lucky fucker,” I said to my friend Rude (RIP Rude). And Rude told me something I’d forgotten until now: “Maybe he’s lucky… or maybe he’s the only dude that ever had the balls to hit on that super hot chick. And because he did, now he gets to lick her pussy, which I’d imagine tastes a lot like cinnamon applesauce by the Mott’s company.” Okay he didn’t say all that, but you get the point. People call dudes lucky who have a lot of money, or have a hot girlfriend, or drive nice cars way too fast in school zones while blaring Jethro Tull. But maybe they’re not lucky. Maybe they worked really hard to make that money, or had the Nuggershiwitz to hit on the tall blonde at the bar that all the other dudes were just staring at, or the gumption to ignore a crossing guard and mow down three disabled 8th graders because they needed both hands to do the air flute solo.

The point is, be that guy people call lucky. And let them call you that. Because you’ll know it’s not luck behind it all. It’s cocaine and revenge. Cocaine. And revenge. And I bid you goodnight with that, hermanito.”

He's right. Holy shit he's right.

He’s right. Holy shit he’s right.

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Helping Your Friends

19 Dec

It’s the best thing you can do in life. But you can’t do it like this:

“Good buddy of mine tore his ACL in a flag football game recently. This is what happens when you get older. One minute you’re trying to rip fabric off of a man running away from you carrying a strangely shaped piece of animal skin, the next you’re lying on the ground in tears. Anyway, the doctors told him he’d have to get some weird surgery where they replaced his ACL with a dead man’s achilles, and I had to step in. So tomorrow the doctors will be removing some tendons from my penis and putting them in my friend’s knee. It turns out the reason my penis is so long is that I had a bunch of extra tendons normally meant for legs and shit in there, so I was all like, “Buddy just take these for God’s sake and I’ll finally be able to fit inside an Asian!” The doctors are pumped because everyone loves a challenge and my friend doesn’t have to get some weird old serial killer’s achilles tendon which would probably make his knee do weird stuff like kick old women in their cooters. Seacrest out!”

Boner time!

Dude is open to your left you dumbass!

Morning Meltdown

28 Feb

He’s mention this “invention” to me before, but not with such detail…

“Woke up this morning with such a raging boner that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to urinate the normal way. I spent a few minutes kicking myself for not inventing my buddy Mike’s idea– the “Morning Wood Urination Station” – which of course is just a pull up bar with feet straps that hangs you upside down over the toilet so you can pee properly. Because I didn’t have the guts or the time to invent such a complicated piece of machinery, and with RAGING boner in such a dire situation, I did the only thing I could. I knocked on my neighbor across the hall’s door and asked her if I could start peeing from her apartment. The process would be simple. Since my toilet is 25 feet directly centered in front of my front door, and her’s is directly across from that, I would begin urinating from inside her apartment and then “walk my boner in” towards my own toilet as the power of the urine began to make it wilt. But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her pretty little head around that idea, and now supposedly “the cops are coming you freak!!!” or so she says. Another day another lawsuit, that’s what I always say.”

That’s what he always says…

Creepy and funny, just like him!

Big Man Little Man

21 Feb

It’s not his first email about the size of his own penis…

“Some days I think I have a really big dick, and then other times I pull it out and I’m all like, “What the Hell is this– my Dick’s kid brother????” Anyway just thought I’d tell you that you’re not always gonna have a great big day. Some days are little dick days. It’s how you jerk the day off that matters most.” 

Bullshit Lies And More Bullshit

30 Nov

I called home tonight at 10PM and “proved” that I wasn’t drunk. Well guess what I am now! I hate everything in life and I have finals coming up. Wish I was doing what he claims to be doing:

“Just saw a dude walking down the street carrying a yoga mat and destroying the concept of manhood for everyone, so I smashed his head in with an electric guitar. What’s that you say? Why did I have an electric guitar on the street? Because I was doing my 6 O’Clock Sidewalk Guitar Solo, mind your own business! But now I guess the Guitar Solo Extravagasm® is on hold until I can afford a new axe, isn’t it Yoga Boy?!?!?!?! (cool people call guitars “axes” by the way)”

Another registered trademark thingy by him, so no one use that! We’ve been talking on the phone a lot recently and as much as I want to record the conversations so you can hear them, I can’t. So you’ll have to settle for these randoms. But just so you know, he’s very proud of me and said something to the effect of “If I was caught pissing they’d have gotten me for indecent exposure too because it takes me 18 minutes to put my dick away on account of how long it is.” Yep, I think that’s exactly what he said.  

Dude has a cool axe.

Music Man

1 Sep

I hope even half of this story is true:

What a night. Around 1AM I discovered something I’m calling “Advanced Dubstep,” and it made me have a seizure. If you don’t know what Dubstep is, I hope you also enjoy the movie ‘The Help’ when you see it later tonight, you white-guilt, no rhythm having nerd. Dubstep takes your dick and borrows it for a week and then returns it one inch longer and with two tiny speakers attached to the base. Well worth it. I was listening to the Internet and drinking bourbon (by myself, of course) and all of a sudden a new, experimental track made me have a seizure. I mean the dude was advancing the note structure MID-CHORUS (of course there are no choruses in Dubstep I know, but figuratively)!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I woke up to practically the entire apartment complex in my living room smiling, and when I asked what happened they said, “You were having a seizure, but the seizure itself was this really beautiful form of unconscious interpretive dance to this intensely good Dubstep song, and so we decided to let you finish before we woke you.” More than a dozen of them were crying, and Apartment Six just gave me their baby. All’s well (except that I was 5 hours late to work today), don’t worry.” 

I think we can all agree that we’ve learned something today. 

What a powerful moment.

Trouble Down Below

6 Aug

I wish I was there. It sounds fun…

“Got my dick rocked off last night at Lolla. Hoping to find it today sometime but that park is huge and I bet a bunch of people have stepped on it by now and probably someone took it home like it’s a fucking souvenir. That’s my dick, lady! Not a damn commemorative t-shirt.” 

True.

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