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It’s Not Over

16 May

Until your old shitty body says it is. This makes me so sad about getting older:

“Oh I’m sorry dick and bladder, I figured we were done peeing when you completely stopped peeing and let me zip up my cool new summer shorts and walk back to the living room. But then you were all like, “Oh wait! One more teaspoon!” Who pees their pants? Men do. Because as any good man can tell you, “Please someone kill me now I thought it would be better than this.” Anyway, sure you’re having a fun night not pissing yourself. Congrats, Cocktongue Baby. PS that was a U2 joke which makes me even sadder.”

Thumbs up for incontinence!

Thumbs up for incontinence!

“Tonight I Ate Some Mushrooms”

3 Oct

And what follows makes perfect sense…

“Tonight I ate some mushrooms, watched the Presidential Debate and then went to a concert. What a night. Here are some things I realized:

1. One day I want to be one of those people they mention when they’re like, “I met a school teacher in Reno the other day, and she was dead. But I spoke to her via a medium and a Ouija Board. And she said we need more teachers.” I want to be that dead woman.

2. I want to make a blog called “When Hipsters Cry” that is simply pictures of hipsters crying. They’re all a bunch of bitches anyway so I bet we can do it. Did you know that people who are ACTUALLY COOL don’t want to live in Brooklyn anymore because they have dipshits on trust funds with rolled up jeans and projective personality disorders looking at them with scowls as they walk down the street? True story. My friend is a super cool Norwegian music video director, and he’s moving out because he’s tired of kids rolling their eyes at him while he makes cool shit happen and they have their parents beeping through on the other line trying to loan them money… AGAIN.

3. I’m going to start lifting weights again, get up to 205, grow my hair out JUST PRECISELY to the length where it requires berets (sp?) and then start wearing them in my hair, taking time to pin back my locks with my beautiful weightroom muscles while I block someone’s view at a clown college graduation or whatever it is I’m watching.

4. Did you know that if you’re on mushrooms at a concert and you go in the bathroom, the sound of people peeing and pooping will actually perfectly mimic the beat of whatever song  is playing> Try it! 

That’s all.”

Oh that’s all? Thank God. 

Genius. Pure genius.

Knowing When

6 Aug

to say when. Isn’t that a saying?

” “If the Playoffs started today” is a stupid sports phrase meant to get fans of overachieving shitty teams like the Pirates excited in the middle of the season, but it’s also a good way to think about your life. Just change it to, “If I got married today…” and ask yourself if you’d be happy. The answer until you turn 40 will be no, so use that as motivation to climb a mountain, go skydiving, or let a really skinny German girl pee all over you. Something to think about.”

Go Reds!!!!!!!

Knowing Yourself

21 May

is incredibly important…

“There’s this blind spot in my mirrors– the front and the side wall– where when I’m peeing I can’t see myself. Nothing infuriates me more, because at this age, one of the little pleasures I can get out of life is looking at my own dick as I urinate, and maybe occasionally winking at myself in the mirror. Time to get a new apartment? Methinks yes.”

Dumbass cat thinks he’s a lion!

Let’s Go Crazy

29 Feb

Apparently anything goes today…

“Guess what motherfucker? It’s a Leap Year day today! And you know what that means– anything goes!!!!!! You see, Leap Year days aren’t real days, so you can literally do whatever the fuck you want and there will be ZERO CONSEQUENCES! Go ahead, call 911– no one’s going to answer. Cops aren’t even allowed to work today! Last February 29th, in 2008, I spent the entire day having sex with animals and smoking crystal meth. So I advise that you take this opportunity to do all the wacky stuff you can’t normally do– skip class, walk around without pants on, shoplift, talk to minorities, etc. I think since I got my animal fucking out of the way last time, I’m gonna take it easy this year and just do some check fraud or public urination. Keep me posted on your progress today!”

I will take him up on the class skipping, but nothing else. 

Morning Meltdown

28 Feb

He’s mention this “invention” to me before, but not with such detail…

“Woke up this morning with such a raging boner that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to urinate the normal way. I spent a few minutes kicking myself for not inventing my buddy Mike’s idea– the “Morning Wood Urination Station” – which of course is just a pull up bar with feet straps that hangs you upside down over the toilet so you can pee properly. Because I didn’t have the guts or the time to invent such a complicated piece of machinery, and with RAGING boner in such a dire situation, I did the only thing I could. I knocked on my neighbor across the hall’s door and asked her if I could start peeing from her apartment. The process would be simple. Since my toilet is 25 feet directly centered in front of my front door, and her’s is directly across from that, I would begin urinating from inside her apartment and then “walk my boner in” towards my own toilet as the power of the urine began to make it wilt. But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her pretty little head around that idea, and now supposedly “the cops are coming you freak!!!” or so she says. Another day another lawsuit, that’s what I always say.”

That’s what he always says…

Creepy and funny, just like him!

What To Do When You Piss The Bed With A Lady In It

22 Jan

Pretty self-explanatory…

“Woke up in the middle of a sick dream about surfing last night to find myself in the Pissific Ocean, next to a SUPER chubby girl. If you’re not catching my GD drift, I pissed the bed, and subsequently, all over this young woman, who if I had to guess was probably named Tiffany or Kim or Idiot. Anyway, if this ever happens to you, all you have to do is quietly get up, change clothes, remove all of your valuables from the apartment (or frat house room), and then set the entire place on fire. The Fire Department will be all like, “Oh man three alarm blazer down on Johnson Street!” And you’ll be outside smoking a Virginia Slim talking to neighbors like, “Everything happens for a reason…” CASE FUCKING CLOSED.” 

Not exactly sure what the "case" is that's closed, but...

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